In these dark days of Covid-2020, when we’re in need of a bit of a laugh, it’s nice to know that we can depend upon the Labour Party to lift the mood of the nation.
The Equality and Human Rights Commission has found ‘significant failings in the way the Party has handled anti-Semitic complaints over the last four years’, and has damned ‘a lack of leadership within the Party on these issues’. Former leader Jeremy Corbyn also stands accused of ‘political interference’ in the complaints process.
Needless to say this has prompted another outbreak of good humour, comradely love and unity within the ranks. Catweasle has popped up to claim that ‘the scale of the problem was dramatically overstated for political reasons’. He went on to state that this was done by his opponents within and outwith the party, and (of course) by the meeja.
Failure to retract his comments has led to the leadership suspending him from the party, ‘pending investigation’. As Jezza’s supporters rally round to condemn the suspension, it’s odds on that a new bout of back-stabbing and bitter recriminations will now erupt as Labour’s on-going civil war continues.
HM’s Opposition? You must be joking. What an absolute bunch of useless, self-regarding, navel-gazing tossers. They just can’t help themselves, but it’s great entertainment. The Labour Party; it’s the gift that keeps on giving to grateful cunters everywhere.
Let’s keep that red rag to a bull flying. Let’s keep that Momentum going.

Nominated by: Ron Knee

People on TV who wave their hands about when speaking.
Why does everyone on TV feel the need to wave their damn hands about when they speak?
Is it because they are puppets and an out of sight assistant is pulling their strings?
No – they are told to do it (especially politicians) by body language “experts” who seem to think it emphasises the point the talking heads are trying to make, and it gives them a change from their usual deflection tactics when refusing to answer questions – “You know, er, so, the thing is” etc.
It is a relatively recent thing but it sends me barking mad STOP DOING IT FOR FUCKS SAKE – WE ARE NOT CABBAGES AND DO NOT NEED VISUAL AIDS TO ACCOMPANY YOUR LIES!
Feel better now.

Nominated by: Vernon Fox

I’m having my daughter to stay with me this week for half term. Don’t see her as often as I’d like as she’s in Southampton and I’m in Bristol.
She’s 13 and is doing fine at school by the sound of it. She always gets good reports and does her homework diligently. So what’s the problem you may ask? The problem is that she knows Jack shit about fuck all!
Now don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t expect her general knowledge to be anywhere near the level of mine but she couldn’t tell you which city the Eiffel tower is in, who the Russian president is or which river runs through London. You know, £100 type questions on Who wants to be a millionaire.
God knows what they teach them at school these days although you’ll be unsurprised to hear that she seems to know all about slavery. I’m trying to keep her amused and busy this week but any spare time she has is spent staring at her smartphone or tablet playing online games with her friends.
Some of you may be familiar with the Einstein quote;
“I fear the day when technology overlaps with our humanity. The world will only have a generation of idiots”
Don’t know how Einstein managed to predict that happening 100 years ago. Apparently he was quite a clever bloke!
One could argue that general knowledge is a waste of time these days as any fact can be found in about 30 seconds flat with the smartphone in your pocket. You could also argue that there is no need to know where the Eiffel tower is. Personally I would argue that that’s bollocks.
These morons are going to be running the country in 20-25 years time. Be scared! Mind you, they probably couldn’t do a much worse job than Boris and his bunch of that’s!

Nominated by: Cupid Stunt

When I first saw this term, l thought forest fires had started ripping through Snowdonia or the Brecon Beacons. Then I realised it was being used for the 2 week lockdown which we in England would call a circuit breaker lockdown.
At the time of writing, we’ve now reached the ridiculous position of police checks on the ‘border’, stopping people from leaving or entering for ‘non-essential journeys’.
What’s so fuckin’ ridiculous is that Gloucestershire police are assisting these buggers by carrying out their own checks. WTF has this got to do with English police?

The Welsh government has stopped people from buying ‘non-essential goods’.
Picture the scene: a Welsh policeman pulls up a motorist crossing into England.
“ Good day Sir. Would you mind stepping out your car and opening the boot?”
Motorist: I don’t do drugs, officer.
PC : It’s not about that Sir. Please open that bag.
Motorist : unzips a hold-all and takes out items of clothing.
PC : Can you explain to me what 30 pairs of socks are doing on your person?
Motorist : I didn’t know they were an illegal substance Officer.(note – they should be in my case.)
PC : You say you bought them from Tesco in Pontypool? They are classed as a non essential item and I have no choice but to fine you £100 on the spot.
Motorist : Pays cash and PC pockets cash for the annual Christmas ball.

What a fuckin’ load of nonsense. What a load of cunts circuit breakers and the Marxist Welsh government are.

Nominated by: Bertie Blunt Tory Cunt

‘Holy hooters Batman; you’ve got er…breasts! Are you *gulp* one of those *cough* transexuals now?’
‘You oaf Robin! Ah ain’t no man, ah’m a woman, and these babies ah’m packing into this incredibly tight costume ah all mahn!’

Well it had to happen. The latest Bat-themed caped crusader to maraud around the mean streets of Gotham is *gasp* a woman.
(Box ticked).
Ah, but in the first ‘season’ of the ‘Batwoman’ tv series, Batwoman was, er, white. Now for ‘season’ two, she’s black.
(Box ticked).
She has a new costume, because the production team thought it important *quote* ‘to emphasise that Batwoman is a Black girl’. (her skin colour and hair wouldn’t have been enough to tip the viewer off to that one?).
(Box ticked).
Not finished virtue-signalling yet though. Batwoman is an ‘out an’ proud’ lesbian.
(Box ticked).
Still not finished. Batwoman is played by (wait for it) bisexual actperson Javicia Leslie.
(Box ticked).

Gosh but Hollywood just loves to show off its ‘right on’ credentials these days. Does anybody know when ‘woke’ Batwoman is due to air here? I can’t wait to see how they fake up our heroine parking the Batmobile perfectly.
(Box ticked).

Nominated by: Ron Knee