Bit of an unusual one here. Ufologists. Thanks to my Asperger suffering nephew, I’ve had to endure SIX fucking hours of documentaries that he’d recorded on the subject of UFO’s and aliens. Now, I do believe that there is intelligent life on other planets. It’s mathematically impossible (improbable surely? – NA) that Earth is the only inhabited planet. But I don’t believe for one second that other civilisations are coming here with the frequency that the fucknuts I’ve just had to watch reckon they are.

I certainly don’t believe that the US Air Force has hangars full of alien spacecraft that just happened to fall out of the sky. Are you seriously going to tell me that an advanced alien race can create something capable of crossing the vast depths of space, but can’t fly in a planetary atmosphere, especially when its raining? Seriously, to listen to some of these people, they are literally crashing all the time. Bollocks!

And then there are the tales of abductions and medical examinations. A scientist on one of these documentaries said that any civilisation capable of travelling from their world to ours would have to be at least a thousand years ahead of us technologically. If that’s the case, then surely they have the means of carrying out a medical exam from orbit? Or, maybe, aliens are just dicks.

Now we have the former head of Israeli Space Security, General Haim Eshed, claiming that a few decades ago, a ‘Galactic Federation’ contacted the US and Israeli governments and made a pact with them. They want to help us and give us at least some of their technology. But not yet. They want to remain hidden from the wider human populace, because we’re not ready. In that case, why bother contacting anyone on Earth? Oh yes, they also have a base on Mars. Eshed also claimed that they had to intervene, because Trump wanted to announce their existence to the world. And yet they did fuck all when Eshed did the same. Picky fuckers, this Federation, aren’t they?

Some of these potty fuckers have even formed a religion around UFO’s, how demented is that?

Nominated by: Quick Draw McGraw

Gordon Ramsay is a cunt.

Yes I’m stating the obvious. This obnoxious cook, famous for being a foul mouthed bully cunt and nothing else, has been defending his ‘full’ English breakfast, which you can enjoy for the extortionate sum of £19 at the Savoy. He says if you think it’s expensive, it’s because ‘you can’t fucking afford it’. Bollocks. Most people think fuck all on spending twenty quid on a meal if they are out, but his pathetic breakfast is just small for the sake of it, and he can shove his snobbery up his arse.
The guy is a wanker, who hangs around with other wankers like the Beckhams and Jonathan Ross, and hope he insults the wrong person one day, hopefully in America, where the aggrieved person might have access to firearms.

https://www.indy100.com/people/gordon-ramsay-full-english-breakfast-b1776009

Nominated by: Gutstick Japseye

Supported by Quick Draw McGraw:

I’ve just seen the photo of it. Calling it a ‘full’ English breakfast surely breaks some kind of advertising law. Two eggs, one sausage, a bit of bacon and some other crap. It’s not that the people complaining can’t afford it, it’s that we’re smart enough to see when we’re being ripped off by a smug, bad tempered gobshite. In my part of the world, a full English is eggs, bacon, sausages, beans, fried tomato, fried bread, mushrooms and a couple of black puddings. Toast is on the side. And you can get that for less than half than Rodent Ramsay is charging.

Perhaps this has been nominated before but JC on a Pogo Stick, I’m losing the will to live. Why? Because I’ve finally had a guts full of “Trigger Warnings”! They don’t just appear at the start of the programme, oh no that would be too easy. They appear at almost every commercial break.

Not just the “Flashing Lights” one but now we are warned that documentaries such as “The World at War” contain “Violent” images and scenes. Well I think WW2 did involve some violence, that is why it was a War! The rot continues with these wretched things spreading like a stain across the world.
Why do these “People” think that the audience is so thick as to be incapable of deciding for themselves whether their spawn/sprogs may watch something? Are they THAT stupid? Yes, I know, rather answers my question but it’s getting beyond a joke.

Nominated by: Mr Angry

And added to by Sir Limply Stoke:

“Trigger Warnings” and pixellating out “distressing scenes” in archive footage. You never see the full head jerk and brain matter spray job that is the real President Kennedy asassination any more and certainly not in the original colour footage.

(Just a quick heads up – it all kicked off on Capitol Hill this morning (7/01/21) as news reports will tell you. But please don’t derail this or subsequent nominations discussing it at length. An emergency cunting nomination would be recommended. Thanks  -DA)

Apparently someone called HRVY, who appears to be related to Beaker from The Muppets, was on a fascinating social experiment for the digital age called ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ this year. Allegedly this is actually what he calls himself, because he ‘thinks it sounds cool’:

https://www.mirror.co.uk/tv/tv-news/strictly-star-hrvys-adorable-explanation-23025481

The Mirror is equally deserving of a cunting here for describing this bastardisation of an already pretty wanky name as ‘adorable’.

What kind of gurning, masturbating chimpanzee thinks removing the vowels from his name makes him anything other than a TTL WNKR?

Nominated by: Gloria Stitz