ISIL Public Relations: Alright Jihadi Jack, you want to return to the UK.

JJ: Yes, I’m bored of kidnapping and murdering innocent people. I want to collect my benefits and have proper drinking water.

ISIL PR: Well don’t make the mistakes Begum made. Be contrite, do a sad face, don’t talk about heads in bins.

JJ: And then say, “Death to non-Muslims!”

ISIL PR: No, then mention your Mum, that always tugs people’s heartstrings.

JJ: My Mum? That unclean bitch. She’s a woman.

ISIL PR: No, speak sweetly about her.

JJ: And then say, “Death to non-Muslims!”

ISIL PR: No, no. Then mention a popular tv programme. Strictly Come Dancing or The X-Factor.

JJ: Hmm, no brown people and not pc enough.

ISIL PR: Alright, what about Dr.Who?

JJ: Perfect. And then say, “Death to non-Muslims!”

ISIL PR: No, never mention that. Keep it hidden.

JJ: Right. I miss my Mum, Britain, and Dr.Who. Blah blah blah. Hide my hatred of Britain, its history, its culture, and non-Muslims. That’ll get me returned.

ISIL PR: Then join the Labour Party

Nominated by Captain Magnanimous

The House of Commons is clearly loaded with cunts. Hardly a startling revelation, but it has become clear that a majority of MPs have no intention of honouring the referendum. They want another referendum, they want Mavis’s sell-out, they want Norway, Canada or fucking anywhere that ensures we never actually leave.
They talk slyly of democracy yet now go against the end date that a vast majority of the cunts voted for.
Cunts.

Nominated by Cuntstable Cuntbubble

Parking Space Hogging CUNTS. Apart from the fucking idiots who crawl up your arse while you’re driving, there is another motoring cunt that gets, kills, guts and barbecues my goat.
Ladies, Gentlemen and fellow cunters, I give you, fucking bastard, selfish cunting, shit-for-brains, CUNTS who park in TWO fucking spaces, right between our houses, so I can’t fucking park.
Now here was me thinking that you have to have reasonable spatial awareness to be allowed a driving licence, BUT NO, these cunts couldn’t fit a Smart Car in a space the length of the M1 without obstructing or inconveniencing someone.

At the moment some unspeakable MORON has stuck his/hers/trans/its VW golf right between the houses and someone else has parked in front, partially over our fucking driveway.
I wouldn’t mind so much, but I put a bloody great sign outside, saying “Please Park in ONE Space”. The Golf Cunt is either blind and shouldn’t be on the fucking road, or, as I suspect, just a SELFISH CUNT with a bloated sense of entitlement.
If I had my way, his car would be wrapped in cling-film with a fucking great sign on top “Driven by a SELFISH CUNT” superglued to the roof and a nice ripe dog-turd, stuffed into the heater vents.
I’ve had to park down the road, making it a right royal pain in the arse to unload and load my gear for work.
I have now stuck a sign on his/hers/trans/its windscreen, politely pointing out my displeasure and also put an even BIGGER sign outside, in the form of an EYECHART on the very reasonable assumption that if the CUNT does this again, he’s fucking blind and the DVLA will be informed. Selfish, obnoxious, pathetic cuntingly-cunting, CUNT.

Nominated by Sheikh Anvakh (Imam of all Cunts)

Generation Self-Harm/Suicide.

What is the matter with these fuckers? I see the tech companies are being urged to disclose details and blamed for suicides. But why the fuck do kids have an interest in this shit? I never heard of self-harming when I was young and can’t remember a single young suicide either.
This is a generation of half wits, me, me, me and taking no interest in a wonderful world outside of fucking social media.
Perhaps some parents should also be taking more notice of what their precious charges are obsessed with instead of blaming big bad tech Cos.
Cunts one and all.

Nominated by Cuntstable Cuntbubble

Kerry Katona is a cunt. This moron is in the papers saying the public are more forgiving to Ant McFarting than her and she wants the public to make a petition so she can get her Iceland contract back [sacked due to her cocaine addiction] and making a very regular cunt of herself.
The truth is Ant is also a cunt but nowhere near as much as Kerry the attention seeking slapper who is an uber cunt and as far as signing a petition to get her old job back …no fucking way and I’m sure Iceland don’t need any more negatives than they already get, the best thing they ever did was sack Kerry the cunt…..

Nominated by fuglyucker