Some years ago I learned to my cost that sunburn’s a cunt.
In the early 80s, the wife and I took a holiday in Ibiza, then a hedonistic paradise offering many sensual delights, one of which being the freedom to sunbathe ‘au natural’. We spent many happy, idle hours on Playa d’en Bossa beach, slowly turning a beautiful shade of deep mahogany.
This experience was not however without incident. I should say at this point that I am fair skinned and have blond hair (Himmler would have loved me). I’m extremely sensitive to sunlight, second only to ginger nuts, and have to be careful to smother myself in high factor sun screen to avoid sunburn.
Unfortunately I made a costly first day error in Ibiza, and neglected to ensure that absolutely every bit of me was covered. Consequently by ten that night, my balls felt like a couple of well roasted plum tomatoes, which left me mincing about like Julian Clary’s houseboy for a day or so.
I learned a lesson which stayed with me; well, it did, until a very hot day last week. The wife had gone out to meet an old friend from uni, leaving me with the day to myself. I took off for a long walk, then came back to lounge about in the garden. About five o’clock, sipping wine, I began to be aware that my face was feeling a bit sore and itchy, and it dawned on me to my horror that I’d forgotten to apply sun screen.
As evening drew on, my face began to resemble a very red sweet pepper. Lying in bed feeling miserable, I made the mistake of seeking solace from Her Ladyship, reclining with her book next to me;

Me; (shuffling about) ‘my face isn’t half sore’
Her; (heavy sigh) ‘well don’t look at me. I bought you that beautiful Panama hat, cost me an arm and a leg. Do you ever wear it? I go to the trouble of making sure you’ve got factor fifty cream. First time I’m not here to ‘nag’ you as you put it, you forget it. It’s your own fault’
Me; (wheedling) ‘I fully acknowledge my ineptitude in your absence, my flower. I just wondered if you had any suggestions’
Her; (deeply exaggerated sigh) ‘actually I’ve got two. Firstly, on the dressing table you’ll find a tube of E45 cream. Stick some of that on it. Secondly, bastard well keep quiet, I’m trying to read’
Me; ‘as ever, ma petite choupette, you’re my one constant source of comfort and consolation when…’
Her; ‘oh haud yer bloody wheest!’

Well readers, you’ll be in one of two categories. Either you’ve already learned about sunburn the hard way, or it’s an experience waiting to happen. Take the advice of someone who’s almost certainly older and uglier than you. Wear a hat when in the hot sun, and smother every exposed area of skin with high factor screen. Even a mild case of sunburn’s a cunt. God knows what a really bad case would do to you. I hope I never find out.

Nominated by Ron Knee

A grace and favour, Land of Hope and Glory cunting please for these two up-their-own-arses, very minor Royals, who are so desperate to be seen as ‘ordinary’ that their arse-licking flunkies have given their new neighbours advice on how to behave in the presence of their Royal Wankers:

https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/9594704/meghan-markle-prince-harry-archie-list-neighbours/

Who do this pair of nonentities think they are?. He tries to look like King George V with his beard and imperial manner, and she is just a two bit actress, who, if she still had to work for a living, would be lucky to get a recurring role in ‘Emmerdale Farm’ as a dairy maid, and would forever live in fear of the day a new producer got rid of her and she was reduced to appearing on ‘Loose Wimmin’.

The hypocrisy of this pair of talentless cunts is staggering. They contribute little and take far too much. He is David Beckham without the talent and she is Kerry Katonia without the charm.

I think Harry’s dad, the Major, ought to take him in hand and remind him what a lucky little bastard he is – literally.

Nominated by W. C. Boggs

So we have had a bit of a heatwave and all of a sudden there’s mass hysteria in the streets about being too hot, and what should we do to keep cool?

Well the experts will tell you a number of preventative: don’t sit out in the sun too long; don’t drink booze in the sun before driving; wear sunscreen, take it easy; and don’t go swimming in pools, rivers and lakes to cool off!

And then you have the stupid cunts on social media, who tell you the complete opposite by saying “What the fuck do the experts know? You might get killed tomorrow, so do what the fuck you want today!”

A couple of days later, we see news item after news item, concerning some stupid cunt who wanted to cool off in a river “and got into difficulties and drowned”, or some cunt ends up in A&E with heat stroke, heat exhaustion or excessive sunburn, or a few months later, skin moles turn malignant and cancerous due to too much sun exposure!

And its not just hot weather that dumb cunts don’t heed advice on, but warnings to expectant mothers not to drink. smoke or do drugs while preggers, or not to use a hair dryer plugged into the mains while taking a bath, or to wear goggles when chopping wood or cutting through stone, or to use an electric cable finder when drilling through walls, or don’t go rambling up hills without the proper gear etc….. the list of warnings goes on and on, and yet people still do the fucking opposite, only to find themselves in shit street when it all goes tits up, and then they demand immediate attention from the local GP or A&E!

It’s as if some people think they’re immortal – totally immune from danger to want to be so reckless with their actions…and yet what really bugs me is the less than gracious attitude after the event when they complain about not being told about the warnings, or the hospital wasn’t good enough, or this that and the fucking other.

But they never point the finger at themselves – their stupidity is always someone else’s fault!

Nominated by Technocunt

Last week, Richard Gere, who was holidaying in Tuscany, travelled to Sicily and joined the charity to deliver food and supplies to the migrants.

Gere who is currently on the island of Lampedusa, Sicily, after a visit onboard a Spanish NGO ship, Proactiva Open Arms, where he met some of the 160 migrants the vessel rescued in the strait of Sicily. The ship has been stuck for 10 days off Lampedusa due to Italy’s ban on landing migrants.

A row has developed after the US actor urged the Italian government to ‘stop demonising asylum seekers’. Italy’s far-right deputy prime minister, Matteo Salvini, has clashed with Richard Gere over the migrant crisis in the Mediterranean, suggesting the Hollywood star should house himself those stranded on rescue ships after the US actor urged the Italian government to “stop demonising asylum seekers”.

The 69-year-old actor appeared in a video message urging people to support the charity and the people on board. “All hands on board would have been lost,” Gere said in the video.

“So, the people you see here on this boat, they’re only here because of the donations to Open Arms for the work they do.”

“I already came to Lampedusa two or three years ago,” Gere said, “to visit the migrants hotspot so I knew the situation first-hand: they are people who have lived horrible stories, they have suffered a lot, they call them migrants but they are refugees who need help.”

Gere also compared the crisis in the Mediterranean and the prohibition of landing migrants with the Trump administration’s policies on the border with Mexico: “We have our problems with refugees coming from Honduras, Salvador, Nicaragua, Mexico … It’s very similar to what you are going through here,” he said.

“This has to stop everywhere on this planet now. And it will stop if we say so,” Gere said, adding that he doesn’t want to get into a political fight.

On Saturday, Salvini, who last year declared Italy’s ports closed to migrant rescue ships, replied to the actor: “Given this generous millionaire is voicing concern for the fate of the Open Arms migrants, we thank him.”
“He can take all the people aboard back to Hollywood, on his private plane,’’ Salvini said, “and support them in his villas. Thank you, Richard!”’

“All hands on board would have been lost,” Gere said in the video. All Illegal immigrants (sorry, asylum seekers) Richard? Who’s fault is it that they were off the coast of Italy exactly?

“This has to stop everywhere on this planet now. And it will stop if we say so,”. Sorry Richard, didn’t realise that third rate has been actors were now in charge of other countries borders..

Lastly, if you don’t want to get into a political fight stop sticking your huge hooter into matters that don’t concern you and are NONE of your fucking business.

Nominated by willie stroker

Nominate anyone with zero exception who uses the words ‘straight white male’ as an insult, attempt to shame or otherwise demonise a significant proportion of the Western world’s population.

Such groups include feminists, second-generation goatfuckers/goatfucked towelheads, bitter blacks who still yak on about ‘muh slavery’, self-loathing soyboy white knights, and any other SJW with a fucking dildo to grind.

‘Straight white males’ made the West the forefront of technology, culture, civilisation, the arts and economic prosperity. And indeed they ended black slavery, while Africans still to this day enjoy a booming trade in enslaving dere bredren.

Straight white males created a world which the Middle-Eastern goatfuckers pack eighty to a raft to sail over and sample.

And straight white males – largely – are responsible for the technology upon which screeching millennials use their soy-infused digits to type out the latest virtue-signalling hashtags.

As Jim Morrison said, “the West is the best”. And that is all thanks to the straight, white male. So any scumcunt attempting to shame us for misfortune of everyone else in the world can fuck right off, and preferably die.

Nominated by The UMPIRE Cunts Back