Forget the ‘Rumpole’ idea of a lawyer being a cuddly old rogue with a tattered wig, half moon glasses and a liking for foul-smelling cheap cigars, Wordsworth and Pomeroy Wine Bar´s house champagne. Even the lowest of the low, crackhead, child molester is a pillar of virtue compared with lawyers, most of whom sleep in coffins and flee in terror at the whiff of a clove of garlic.

Opinionated, corrupt, mercenary, inhuman, parasitical are only a few of the adjectives that spring to mind in relation to this abject bunch of bloodsuckers who have been around forever and are everywhere.

From the bullying ‘Jaggers’ in “Great Expectations”, who lets poor orphan ‘Pip’ delude himself that crazy old bat ‘Miss Haversham’ is grooming him to become a gentleman and get his sweaty hands on nymphet ‘Estella’, to showman Johnnie Cochran, who used racist smear tactics to free O.J. Simpson from the electric chair after he had slaughtered his wife, they are a disgrace to the human race.

They love the publicity and delight in defending the indefensible.

Remember that creepy little Frenchman ‘Maitre’ Jacques Verges from the 80s whose “clients” included Nazi Klaus Barbie, terrorist Carlos the Jackal and Khmer Rouge boss Khieu Samphan?

Still they don´t always get their own way as shown in the Netflix series on the Ukranian mass murderer known as Ivan the Terrible. His lawyer so enraged Israelis that he had acid thrown into his face by a Holocaust survivor.

Surely the time comes for some honesty with scum who are blatantly guilty?

“Yes your honour. My client is a disgusting piece of shit who committed all these crimes. He does not regret them in the slightest and wishes he could get off, but realises he can´t as he was filmed in the act. Therefore, I don´t intend wasting your time with excuses and am placing him at your mercy. It doesn´t really matter to me as I´ll get paid anyway. Oh, by the way, I intend appealing anyway to spin this circus out even longer”.

Nominated by Mr Polly

Of course we all know petulant Reg Dwight loves to prostrate himself before whichever royal parasites are available, (‘use my jet, I’ll plant a tree’) however, there are many more who know their place and tug the forelock:

Rod Stewart: Why for fuck’s sake?
Michelle Obama: Inferiority built in, I suppose.
David and Victoria Beckham: Personality vacuums to match any royal halfwit.
Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman: Compensates for him being a dwarf, I suppose.
Cara Delevingne: Dont really know who, or what this cunt is, but no doubt fits in well.

Add in the silly cunts who work for a living, but still worship, and of course pay for, a bunch of inbred, foreign, workshy, over-privileged buffoons and you get the set.

And lest we forget – Savile was a dear friend of Died and Jug Ears.

Cunts, one and all. But why?

Nominated by Cuntstable Cuntbubble

Gwyneth Paltrow – she’s selling a £57 candle that supposedly smells like her vagina.

According to the ingredients, Gwyneth’s vulva candle smells like “geranium, citrusy bergamot, and cedar absolutes juxtaposed with Damask rose and ambrette seed”.

I wonder if anyone has put that to the test vs the real thing.

It’s already sold out on her ‘Goop’ website, but if you want your house smelling like rancid fish, supplies of said item will soon be available again.

Nominated by Mystic Maven

A scented candle cunting for “doing my bit for the environment” glitterati whore – Gwyneth Paltrow – is richly deserved.

I thought it was April 1st but no, Ms Paltrow has released a scented candle called “Smells like my vagina!” from her cosmetics/household range. She does not state if the smell essence is taken before or after bathing for the day but I would imagine:

“Scent of Brad Pitt’s Gentleman’s Relish Remnants!” or “Eau Du Effeminate Chris Martin’s Leg Dribbles!” would be more appropriate.

So modern society now monetises internet skank, dirty bathwater and now le parfum of Iron Man’s squeeze’s snatch!?!

Oh, and apparently she’s sold out too. Go get ’em beta soy neck-beard cunts!

Nominated by Rebel without a Cunt!

Tom Bradby is a huge cunt.

We all know that, but if anyone Googles this link in the future, I want to leave no doubt.

Bradby has set himself up as the friend and confidante of Ginger Pubes and Little Miss Sparkle. Before the settlement was reached, he stridently announced on the ITV News that if the couple didn’t get the deal they wanted then there could be a ‘kiss and tell’ expose on the inner workings of the Royal Family.

You could almost see Bradby pissing his TENA pad with excitement in his expectation that he would get the scoop if this was the outcome.

Luckily, the Queen has thrashed out a deal so this is now unlikely to happen, unless Little Miss Sparkle dumps Hewitt and spills her story. Hopefully, MI5 have a case on Bradby and that a mysterious and unexplained disappearance of the ‘UK’s Favourite Newsreader’ can’t come around too soon, as far as I am concerned.

Bradby is a giant turd sprayed in glitter and a massive cunt.

Nominated by Paul Maskinback

This feudal pit of undeserved privilege needs to be reformed: filled with people who are not very good at what they do, but do not wish to be attended to in their dotage by teen Latvians, so they put on their dead animal badges of furry superiority and shuffle into a rich white Gods waiting room in a haze of Yardley perfume and piss, but no need to hang around long, thirty seconds of clutching a signing device in a withered old claw will guarantee an immediate payment of up to £500 (I kid you not) per day, then away for lunch old boy, in the subsidised restaurants and bars, then put the expenses claim in for the food and grog.

800 utter fucking parasites! Can’t get a job as lollipop lady or Man with a criminal record, but if you have form for fraud, theft, perjury or sex offences, the red leather is that way M’Lord!

Clean out this nest of self-serving, democracy-hating, piss-stinking rats and replace the House of Lords with a new chamber where 300 members of the public chosen without bias or favouritism from a wide cross section of society are given five Year contracts to debate and scrutinise Parliamentary business and legislation.

Can’t be arsed turning up, but still want paying? Fuck off.
Want to fall asleep at work? Fuck off.
Convicted criminal? Fuck off.
Using political allegiance to promote agendas? Fuck off.
Pervert? Fuck off.

Monday to Friday, nine to five, an hour for dinner, a salary of £52,000 PA and four weeks holiday a Year like we get.

Don’t like that? Fuck off.

And not to mention the tidy saving achieved by removing 500 irrelevancies who cost us – get this – two hundred and fifty Million a Year to keep them in brandy and adult nappies! This saving will of course be welcomed by a Government “Committed to savings in the public sector”.

House of Lords? Cunts.

That is all.

Nominated by Vernon Fox