Cunted up Biscuits

Nice biscuits with hairline cracks in. And or the fucking retards whose only job is to get them from the factory to the customer in one piece, not two pieces barely held together with sugar until they are wet.

Nice biscuits are an absolute nightmare if they break mid-dunk. There is barely two or three seconds before all the structural integrity of the broken off bit is gone and the last inch of your brew is fully buggered.

I appreciate this is a bit of a first-world cunting, but a brews a brew and two failed dunks in a week suggest a careless cunt at some stage between manufacture and my careful lifting and placing in a shopping trolley.

Nominated by GGRF

58 thoughts on “Cunted up Biscuits

  1. Hob nobs dunk well but I too like a basic biscuit. Nice, bourbon, cow biscuits, custard creams etc. All quality British stuff. I feel your pain, nothing worse, you lose the biccy and the tea. Sad, yes it’s a cunt when it happens.

    • Fucking rich tea biscuits.
      A whole pack of always ultra are less absorbent.
      They don’t need any construction faults in them to instantly turn a good brew into soup.
      Have I learnt my lesson over 50 years?
      Have I fuck.

  2. A friend of my wife introduced me to these poncey toffee waffle things that measure up perfectly to my favourite mug. The plan is that you sit it on top of the cuppa, like a lid. The heat from the tea melts the toffee layer into a wondrous sticky centre; before you lift it off just in time to stuff the gooey mess into your face. As I say… “just in time”… Can’t blame the carriers when this goes wrong and you pick it up by the edges and the whole fucking thing drops soggily and sticking to the bottom of your brew.
    I have been heard to shout “CUNT!” when this has happened more often than it should.

    • Those toffee waffle lids are all the rage in Holland and Belgium. Sit in the cafe and have one or two waffle coffees. That’s a great way to boost your shag energy in between trips to the brothels and whorehouses.

    • “Don’t drink tea”…. sorry, just having trouble computing that – never seen those 3 words together before? I’d have Tetley on a permanent IV drip if I could

    • I don’t drink tea either. Except occasionally when I pop next door to ogle the neighbour’s wife.

      It’s black coffee for me all the way. Yeah it’s racist, but I can’t help it.

    • I drink tea. Its what englishman do.
      And Yorkshire tea.
      2 sugars. Let it steep.
      Builders brew.
      Anything else is for gaylords and commies.
      Hope the tea pickers are mistreated, the idea that they are adds flavour.

      • As long as you stick to the tea and keep your hands off his mrs Ruff!! (Fit is she?)

      • Is this your gay next door neighbour, Ruff one?
        You seem quite intimate with his habits.
        I would guess you’re always dropping round to borrow a cup of sugar in your role as head of the local gayborhood watch.

      • Sorry RTC. That seems to be quite sinister – meant to put a smiling emoji after it!
        😀

      • Not those neighbours Bertie!

        The neighbour’s wife on the left is indeed well fit Cuntan. She’s Japanese you know…

      • Oooh fuck me I do like a Japanese piece Ruff. Never had the chance to partake unfortunately though

      • What, a hollow point from a 38 special in the brain?? No thanks MNC, rather have a Digestive (plain, the chocolate ones are for our good-with-colours friends)

    • Radio Frequency, Ridiculous Fuck, Rancid Feminist, Robust Fart, Rotund Flange, Rabbid Felcher, Rotten Fidget, Ribbly Flugglebug … take your pick 🐉🦥👨‍🦼

  3. Like dark chocolate ones me, like see them melt, reminds me of times in Africa tyres and dark ees melt the same way, what fond memories .

  4. Custard cream or ginger cream are the best for dunking. About 1.5 seconds is the optimum dunking time. It is quite simple, trial and error, as long as you count the time you can seldom go wrong. The only exception being a latent fault line in the fabric of said biscuit.

    Ginger creams are a bit more robust than custard creams. I’m sure there was some recent published experiment on dunking biscuits, e.g. time of dunk and type of biscuit.

  5. Ah the dunking of biscuits…I like milk chocolate digestives and custard creams…they dunk well.
    Trick is to buy one of those massive mugs so you can throw away the dregs at the end, anyways as it’s time for the feasting to begin I’m abaaaht to go aaaaht and buy some food for Chrimbo dinner…having Beef this year.
    All you Turkey eating bastards can go fuck yourselves (with a turkey leg).
    Anyone who says Santa Claus is a cunt also it’s Father Christmas.
    Merry Christmas and go fuck yourselves.

    • I’ve never dunked anything in my coffee and I can’t imagine why anyone would want to. But each to his own. No turkey for me either, it’s too dry, me and my cat will be on chicken as usual.
      And a merry Christmas to you too B&W.

    • BWC@
      Turkey is traditional! Its turkey or nowt!
      Hope the butcher gives you gristle n fat you traitor!😀
      Yours sincerely mr B.Matthews

      • Moderation! Word? “Grîstlë’
        Thats your fault BWC provoking me near Christmas over turkey!!
        Hope your cat shits in your stocking.

      • Yeah BWC we do use goose fat for the roasties!
        You eaten goose mate?
        Ive never had it, might try it.
        Plenty of meat on a goose,
        If im not on before father Christmas comes, have a merry Christmas BWC, good health to you and your family!🌲

      • I’m having a glazed Christmas ham MNC.

        That 3 bird roast thing is all a bit wrong to me.
        Like some weird human centipede-style experiment.

        On the subject of biscuits, its chocolate hob-nobs all the way, anyone who disagrees can go and teabag Dame Elton’s ginger bollocks for all I care.
        😂

      • Alright Harold!
        Apparently the true traditional bird was goose?
        Yeah i like glazed ham an beef too was teasing BWC.
        Milk chocolate hob nobs!👍
        To be honest ive never met a biscuit I didnt like, remember Gypsy cream biscuits?
        Used to love them!!💗

      • Always liked a Lincoln biscuit myself. Or the sports one with the little geezers playing tennis and whatnot on them

      • Not seen a Lincoln biscuit in years mate, still do em?
        Remember Dundee biscuits?
        Best ever! Had to use 2 hands to lift em!

      • Yeah you can still get Lincolns MNC. Dundees, blimey – as thick as yer todger!! (Bit nicer tasting though hopefully)

  6. Apparently, amongst biscuit connoisseurs, Rich Tea are known as Lionels….

    Making a dent in the Harvey’s Bristol Cream Sherry….
    Have a good one cunters….

    • It’s no wonder rich tea are so Messi when it comes to dunking then.

  7. Granny Swallop’s Home Made Ginger Biscuits form a local market on a Friday.

    Sometimes, if you catch them right, they are still slightly warm and they are the fucking Marines of the dunking world.

    They laugh at a 10 second dunk… Fucking fearsome, they are.

  8. Dunking anything in tea is a crime, as for biscuits I like what I call dead fly biscuits a hard plain biscuit with tiny flecks of currant in them (well that’s what I hope they are) don’t know what they’re called as rarely come across them these days

      • Long time ago I worked in a motorcycle dealership, one of the drivers always called me “Gary” (not my real name, that’s Cuntan obviously) – drove me fucking spare for about 2 years as he wouldn’t tell me why. Cornered him one day and he gave me the hint “biscuit”… which led me to deduce Gary.. Baldie…. Cunt! As my hairline was at the time starting to recede

      • He was mate. Reminds me of Alexei Sayle in the Young Ones, “surprising how many biscuits are named after revolutionaries – your Bourbon, your Garibaldi and of course your Peak Frean Trotsky Assortment”

  9. As long as you stick to the tea and keep your hands off his mrs Ruff!! (Fit is she?)

  10. Milk chocolate digestives and Cadbury’s chocolate fingers for tea dipping, especially the latter as it reminded me of an old ex who used to seductively suck the chocolate from said finger!

    Gosh she was good!

  11. I love those tunnocks caramel wafers and the teacakes with the mallow. I’ve not dunked them but I might consider it one day.

    Get a twix, bite the ends off and suck like a straw whilst it is dipped in cup tea. But please please make sure the tea isn’t boiling hot, make sure you don’t scald yourself.
    Try it with a penguin bar but nibble 2 corners off diagonally, dip and suck.

  12. Go to Home Bargains, find Abernethy biscuits (red pack – 49p) – Bloody delicious and belters fo’ dunkin’

    Just don’t clear out their stock before I get there, you cunts….

  13. Not just a first-world cunting, Apparently Haiti does a mean biscuit made of mud and cow shit, I’m assured that once dried in the sun by the side of the road that cunt never falls apart in your brew.

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