As one of the previous posts has devolved into a fanny cradock cooking club, Here is the place to post your apocalyptic cuisine tips.

No bat soup recipes please .

Admin.

Local supermarkets have been stripped bare, literally everything gone except the vegetables and.. Uncle Ben’s rice. 52 fucking varieties of rice, that no one wants to buy.

Typically, I’ll buy plain brown rice, of which there’s only ever precisely ten bags on the bottom shelf because evidently, no one else buys them besides myself – let’s be fair, most people in this country can’t handle boiling water and an egg timer simultaneously. But now it’s all gone and all I can get is 52 fucking flavours of rice in individual packets. No, I don’t want bean flavoured rice, or chingchong style rice, or chiggun flavoured rice.

Fucking waste of rice and waste of packaging. I was going to broaden this cunting to include Colgate toothpaste, which too thinks it has the right to occupy half an aisle with its 52 fucking varieties, but gooey shite made from industrial runoff isn’t quite as wasteful it seems.

Ben. You suck. Accept the fact rice is rice and that if you wanted a diverse portfolio you should have chosen a different foodstuff to hawk.

Nominated by The Big Chunky Cunty

Jeremy Kyle, probably one of the easiest nominations to make.

You may remember this smug prick had a TV show that had all the enticement of dried dog turd. It basically involved him belittling a bunch of council estate chavs whilst parading their dirty laundry in public.

Well, all was great for creepy face until he gave the same demeaning act to a bloke called Steve Dymond. Clearly vulnerable, Kyle and his production team didn’t care one jot about his welfare – this is how they made sacks full of cash after all. After being on the show, Steve sadly killed himself and the self-centred fuck Jeremy, rightly had his show canned.

Although now, his new agent (the same agent as Peter André) has said that Jeremy will be making a comeback to ITV with a new show, one where he will “get his say”. Fucking brilliant, that’s all we need. There are enough fucking wankers already given platforms to have their say. The last thing we need is this punchable, self-righteous cunt let loose on TV again.

Why do we crave this reality TV shite? It’s the lowest form of entertainment, watching a bunch of LGBT, Leftie, snowflake cunts do everyday shit. And it isn’t fucking reality because there’s nothing real about it. It is all staged to keep the mindless viewers ‘entertained’. Fuck off Kyle, we don’t need you back.

Nominated by elcuntio

An extra special, ‘Fuck off and die’ cunting, for Tim Martin. Who?, I hear you ask. Well, this selfish prick is the boss of J.D.Wetherspoons.

His opening gambit was to tell the meejia, that this ‘Coronavirus’ was getting blown up all out of proportion. “You’re more likely to catch it in crowded supermarkets – no need to avoid pubs”…

No, of course not. Drag your family down to your friendly neighbourhood Wetherspoons. Sit closely round a sticky, beer-stained table. Thumb through the unwiped, touched by thousands menu. Order a shitty burger and chips, drink heavily and for God’s sake, keep your money rolling into this fucking cunt’s pockets. Having witnessed this wanker’s appeal to the great unwashed, the Govt. quickly moved from, ‘we advise you not to gather in pubs’, to ‘All pubs, bars and restaurants must close’.

So, not getting his way, and despite the Gov’t guaranteeing to pay 80% of workers wages provided businesses don’t sack them, this turd throws his toys out the pram. Refuses to pay his staff for hours they’ve already done, and tells them “that govt money will take too long to come through. Go get a job at Tesco. When we re-open, we’ll consider you when recruiting!”

What a fucking Uber Cunt!

Well now, what if your pubs never re-open? Because I suggest everyone boycotts this cunts pubs and drink anywhere but. Nail the fucking bastard to one of his pub signs and place beer mats over his eyes. If I knew where the wanker lived, I’d burn his fucking house down, with him still in it.

Nominated by Lord of the Rings

A self-important, ‘it’s all about me’ cunting, to the world of celebrity during the apocalypse.

Despite the rest of us worrying about our loved ones, jobs, homes and sanity, these fuckers just can’t handle not being the centre of attention for five minutes.

We then get ‘treated’ to their ‘self-isolating’ videos. Some worrying that they or a family member has got a cough/loss of smell (Lineker). Others tell us how to manage our mental health (Stephen Fry).

Well you bellends, it’s easier to manage your mental state throughout this with £20 million in the bank, isn’t it? Not so much when you’re living month to month, or can last about 2 or 3 months more of this before losing your business.

I’m not saying celebs don’t have a right to be concerned. They are humans and have families too. However, they do not have the financial, or career worries that the rest of us have.

Therefore, these cunts need to keep their gobs shut during this bollocks (well, perhaps apart from Arnold Schwarzenegger, who has produced some amusing videos). It’s as if these self entitled cunts think they have a duty to ‘inform’ us. We’ve got more problems thanks, so unless you can come up with a vaccine, stick your attention-seeking attitudes up your arses.

Nominated by Cuntybollocks

Celebrity Coronavirus.

Yet again we Plebs are getting the thin end of the wedge. The Coronavirus that attacks “ordinary” people can kill…Celebrity Coronavirus, which only attacks the famous, does not.

Indeed, Celebrity Coronavirus seems to be fairly innocuous. Famous people who have oh-so-kindly reported their symptoms via Facebook report that they have virtually no symptoms at all. A slight cough perhaps, or maybe a headache at the worst….certainly nothing serious enough to prevent them using their celebrity insider knowledge to self-diagnose and tell us how they are bravely battling on as an example to us lesser mortals.

We really are lucky that we live in an age of social media where our betters from the world of reality shows, soap-operas and pop singers can tell us mere mortals of their struggles….it really is inspiring to read about these selfless heroes.

Perhaps we could have a Wankathon where we all stand at our front doors, or open windows and furiously wank ourselves stupid, just to show our gratitude to the real heroes of this emergency….THE CELEBRITIES.

Nominated by Dick de Pfeffel Foxchaser-Fiddler