Spike.
Not the word but the perverts who misuse it.
Spike, a good old English word that has served us for centuries.
You know what a spike is. Especially if your tyre goes over one, or you stab your thumb with one.
Graphically it rises quickly to a pointy peak and then drops equally quickly to the previous level.
But cunts have decided to abuse this word as a verb meaning to rise, slowly, quickly – doesn’t matter – to a higher level and stay there. Like a plateau, or a step. Just because “spike” sounds exciting and slightly scary.
If we don’t stop cunts abusing this poor, venerable word it will go the way of “ultimate”,” awesome”, “gay”, “incredible”, “spiral”, “like”, “quantum”, “infinite” – please add your own pet hates.

Nominated by Fud-man

Rupert Bear 50p coins and the dippy cunts who buy them.

Flicking through our ‘What’s On TV’ this week (to ascertain when the wife might be safely occupied watching some shite like ‘Killing Eve’ or ‘Mrs Brown’s Boys’ so I know when I might have a nice quiet uninterrupted wank) I chanced upon an advert by some cunts called The Westminster Collection who are selling 50p coins for £6.25 each +£2.99 postage & packing.

You fucking what?!

Furthermore, if you buy a set of 5 of these 50p bear coins you can have them for the knockdown price of £31.25 (+£3.99 p&p), though because there’s such high demand sets are being strictly limited to 3 per household. Which is a crying shame as I was hoping to order a thousand! With current interest rates at 0.1% I thought they would be a great investment during these troubled times. A bit like gold.

https://www.westminstercollection.com/landing-pages/rupert-bear-50p-video.aspx

So it’s send us £35.24 and we’ll send you coins to the value of £2.50…

What sort of total and utter retards fall for these obvious scams?

Nominated by Ruff Tuff Creampuff

Advertisers cashing in on Corona Virus are complete cunts.

It didn’t take them long did it? cunts like Co-Op, Tesco, Sainsburys and so on cashing in on the national hand-wringing by coming out with some truly sickening commercials.

Spewing utter shite like “We’re with you all the way” and “Feeding the Nation”?

No you cunts, you’re making profits, cashing in on mass panic and hysteria caused by a noob government and the BBC and lining the already ample pockets of your senior management and shareholders.

Not only did they seem to put this butt cheese together really quickly but it’s also full of right on OK yah, BAME folk and the people of many colours.

There’s even one begging for money for victims…I rest my fucking case.

Nominated by Spanky Mc Spank

The Guardian Newspaper

I actually used to avidly read and pay for the occasional copy of The Guardian when I was young and foolish but I had trouble taking this article seriously when I stumbled across it earlier today:
https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2020/apr/15/coronavirus-pangolins-protections-us-trading
Donald Trump is responsible for the demise of the pangolin- is he fuck.
Of course ,whatever the tiddledywinks/splitlinks/rinkydinks (delete as appropriate) choose to have with their chips, peas and gravy has no affect on the pangolin numbers.
I didn’t even know what a pangolin was a few months’ ago so my gripe about this article is the bigotry of low expectations exhibited by The Guardian. Yeah, that’s right Mr Guardian newspaper, people of colour have no agency so it must be the fault of old YT. Give it a fucking rest will you.

Anyway, Frasier can sum up the Guardian way better than I can:

Nominated by SimmyJavill

Chick flicks need cunting.

Now don’t get me wrong…..

When cuddling up with her on a morning, I’m hardly gonna put on rambo:first blood or rape,kill,bludgeon 4…
But why does every chick flick have to have the same fucking story again and again and again…? And again….

Bird isn’t happy with her cuck soy boy boyfriend.
Fragile but rich, handsome and funny guy shows up.
Fragile rich guy acts all flustered and shy.
She is the same.
She leaves beta cuck.
Rich handsome guy asks her out in a really shy way.
She says yes.
He does something that hurts her and she wants revenge.
They get back together.
Her revenge thing happens and she hurts him.
They get back together.
I get a shag.

Now I like the ‘I get a shag’ part but why the fuck do I have to go through the exact same fucking script week in week out? Can’t these chick flick people come up with a different story for a few of these films?

Can’t someone just do something exciting?
It’s a film for fucks sake. Where are the car chases? Where are the terrorists getting splattered? Don’t they realise that men have to watch this shite too?

In fact, during the writing of this cunting I’ve realised that I’m complaining about nothing and in fact maybe these films are designed to keep women in the mood while I spend a while recovering and then moving in for the next one…
Fuck it. This cunting has been a total waste of time.
Chick flicks serve a purpose. A very important one.
But they’re still cunts coz the story is ALWAYS the same.

Nominated by Deploy the Sausage