I’d like to nominate cowboy garages, specifically mechanics who are clueless.

Now before I start, I’m not a mechanic, my knowledge comes from forums and haynes manuals, however, I do have some knowledge of what faults are what and with my car being 25 years old it has a few of them.

So, booked it in to get an alternator replaced, got a reman off the web since new are fuckin extortionate, knew it was a risk but thought it’s warranted so fuck it.

Next day gets a phone call off the garage, alternators bad, not accepting charge on the positive, should have bought brand new, I suggested that the positive cable might be fucked as this happens, was told, and I quote

“Well I can’t see it being that, there’s no way that would be the problem, how’s about we sort this out and just get you a proper one”

“Ok then” I said

So never heard back and couldn’t get hold of them until first thing the next morning and by that time I’d thought fuck it, it’s a cunt of a job to do but I’ll persevere and do it myself, rang the garage told them to leave it because it was gonna cost a fortune and I’ll sort it myself.

Got down there, paid the bill and got my car, first thing i noticed was my fusebox and wiring loom were sat on the floor, thought you fuckin wankers, though I’d told them not to finish so I can’t moan too much, drove it on the battery to work then noticed my SRS light was on, again, fuckin wankers, went home, bed, calm down assess it tomorrow.

Next day realised their “brand new” alternator was the wrong one, was fuming, thought right I’m pulling the cable and putting a new one on, gut feeling and such, fired the car up, 14.5 v, fuckin absolutely pissed myself laughing, was over the moon, straight on the phone to the garage, told them their mechanic was wrong, their part was wrong, and I’d fixed it myself, he wasn’t happy but offered me to refund the part, got down there, got the money back then I dropped the bombshell that they’ve fucked my SRS sensor pulling fuses with the battery on, he said they’ll refund me the cost for the part I’ve had to buy and fit myself.

Away I walked feeling like a dog with two cocks, now I know car electrics are a bastard, even for those qualified, but these wankers would have fleeced me for a fuckin fortune, they did on my MOT and to be fair I should have learnt my lesson but it was a needs must situation, nobody likes being told their job by a novice, but when you’re wrong, you’re fuckin wrong.

Nominated by GrandCuntRailRoad

Spike.
Not the word but the perverts who misuse it.
Spike, a good old English word that has served us for centuries.
You know what a spike is. Especially if your tyre goes over one, or you stab your thumb with one.
Graphically it rises quickly to a pointy peak and then drops equally quickly to the previous level.
But cunts have decided to abuse this word as a verb meaning to rise, slowly, quickly – doesn’t matter – to a higher level and stay there. Like a plateau, or a step. Just because “spike” sounds exciting and slightly scary.
If we don’t stop cunts abusing this poor, venerable word it will go the way of “ultimate”,” awesome”, “gay”, “incredible”, “spiral”, “like”, “quantum”, “infinite” – please add your own pet hates.

Nominated by Fud-man

Rupert Bear 50p coins and the dippy cunts who buy them.

Flicking through our ‘What’s On TV’ this week (to ascertain when the wife might be safely occupied watching some shite like ‘Killing Eve’ or ‘Mrs Brown’s Boys’ so I know when I might have a nice quiet uninterrupted wank) I chanced upon an advert by some cunts called The Westminster Collection who are selling 50p coins for £6.25 each +£2.99 postage & packing.

You fucking what?!

Furthermore, if you buy a set of 5 of these 50p bear coins you can have them for the knockdown price of £31.25 (+£3.99 p&p), though because there’s such high demand sets are being strictly limited to 3 per household. Which is a crying shame as I was hoping to order a thousand! With current interest rates at 0.1% I thought they would be a great investment during these troubled times. A bit like gold.

https://www.westminstercollection.com/landing-pages/rupert-bear-50p-video.aspx

So it’s send us £35.24 and we’ll send you coins to the value of £2.50…

What sort of total and utter retards fall for these obvious scams?

Nominated by Ruff Tuff Creampuff

Advertisers cashing in on Corona Virus are complete cunts.

It didn’t take them long did it? cunts like Co-Op, Tesco, Sainsburys and so on cashing in on the national hand-wringing by coming out with some truly sickening commercials.

Spewing utter shite like “We’re with you all the way” and “Feeding the Nation”?

No you cunts, you’re making profits, cashing in on mass panic and hysteria caused by a noob government and the BBC and lining the already ample pockets of your senior management and shareholders.

Not only did they seem to put this butt cheese together really quickly but it’s also full of right on OK yah, BAME folk and the people of many colours.

There’s even one begging for money for victims…I rest my fucking case.

Nominated by Spanky Mc Spank

The Guardian Newspaper

I actually used to avidly read and pay for the occasional copy of The Guardian when I was young and foolish but I had trouble taking this article seriously when I stumbled across it earlier today:
https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2020/apr/15/coronavirus-pangolins-protections-us-trading
Donald Trump is responsible for the demise of the pangolin- is he fuck.
Of course ,whatever the tiddledywinks/splitlinks/rinkydinks (delete as appropriate) choose to have with their chips, peas and gravy has no affect on the pangolin numbers.
I didn’t even know what a pangolin was a few months’ ago so my gripe about this article is the bigotry of low expectations exhibited by The Guardian. Yeah, that’s right Mr Guardian newspaper, people of colour have no agency so it must be the fault of old YT. Give it a fucking rest will you.

Anyway, Frasier can sum up the Guardian way better than I can:

Nominated by SimmyJavill