Citizen Kane
Down the years, Orson Welles’ 1941 drama “Citizen Kane” has consistently been voted “the greatest film of all time” in polls conducted on the subject. In particular, film-makers, critics and academics deem it “numero uno”. I believe they feel obliged to do so, in order to demonstrate an appreciation of “film as art” on their part which exceeds the capacity of your regular cinema-going punter. It’s a “masterpiece”, they gush; “hugely influential blah…”.
Personally I’ve always considered this saga about the rise of a newspaper tycoon (supposedly based on W.R. Hearst) to be the most overrated film of all time. Okay, I’ll grant that there’s some technical flair and innovation on display, and I’ve honestly tried to appreciate it if I couldn’t enjoy it, but I’ve never been able to watch it through at one go. It simply leaves me cold, and utterly uninvolved emotionally. For the most part, it’s an exercise in nut-numbing tediousness. So it’s right at the top of my “most overrated” list, propped up by the likes of “2001”, “Gone With The Wind” (wonderful Max Steiner score notwithstanding), “Top Gun”, the gruesome “Titanic”, the ludicrously pretentious “Black Swan”, and anything to do with bastard “Star Wars”.
Anyway, a couple of days ago my little treasure was raking through a box of old VHS cassettes. “Oh look”, she says, “here’s ‘Citizen Kane’. I’ve always meant to watch it. We could do that after tea”. “No way Pedro” says I, “it’s a couple of hours I’ll never get back”. “Oh don’t be a grumpie old meanie” says she, “I’ll make a big pot of tea and open a packet of McVitie’s dark chocolate digestives I’ve been hiding from you. Then afterwards *knowing little smile* we could…”.
Well of course she had me at “then afterwards”. No to be honest, she had me at “McVitie’s dark chocolate digestives”, but I think you get the point. So we sat down and watched (or in my case, endured) it, and of course it wasn’t too long before the fidgeting began. By the time that the enigmatic “Rosebud” came to be uttered, it was very clear that she was bored stupid, but bless her little cotton socks, she was never going to admit it.
Nevertheless I’m extremely pleased to record that my patience and fortitude were duly rewarded in full measure by my little minx, and I slept very well that night. Good things do indeed come to those who wait…

…and “Citizen Kane” remains the most overrated film of all time; unless of course, YOU know differently.

Nominated by Ron Knee

Personally Ron I would give that award to the Godfather trilogy – tried to watch it (well, the first two at least) multiple times only to be bored shitless by its tediously slow pace on each occasion.

THE MARKLES; an everyday story of cunty folk.

The story so far; Meghan and the Half-blood Prince have fled smog-bound LA for a
mansion in Santa Barbara, from where the Mistress of Malice continues to plot her remorseless ascent to the Presidency. Now read on.

Meagain gazed rapturously across the immaculately cropped lawn of her new home to the California hills, shimmering in the haze of the afternoon heat. “Ain’t it just all too wunnerful” she gushed greedily, “wine cellar, library, swimmin’ pool, nine bedrooms, sixteen bathrooms… all for a mere fifteen million bucks. This is A+ list territory Harry; we done got Oprah Winfrey an’ Ellen DeGeneres livin’ right next to us in the hood!”.

The Prince of Sighs blinked rapidly and an expression of doubt flickered across his gormless features. “Er, it’s all very well and all that rot, pumpkin” he whimpered, “but a chap’s never had the need to take out a mortgage in a chap’s life before”.

“Now you listen”, hissed the Princess of Perfidy, her tongue flickering across her thin lips. “In this marriage, you leave the thinking to me, okay? ‘Finding Freedom’, the shocking, sensational story of how we were side-lined and betrayed by your family, is all set to fly off the shelves, an’ soon I’ll work out a movie deal for it. Might even play myself. The cash is gonna roll in. It’s all part of The Plan”.

“If you say so, sugar lump”, replied the Duke of Dim vaguely. “I say, hang on. Did you say that we’ve got that DeGenerate woman as a neighbour? Creature’s a damn tuppence licker!”.

“For Gaawd’s sakes Harry” rasped Meghan, “how many more times? Don’t talk like that! We’re playing the Duke and Duchess of Diversity, you idiot!”.

“Oh sorrers again, old thing”, muttered Halfwit remorsefully, “just that a chap’s got to draw a line, and what have you”. His attention wandered once again, but then his face brightened. “I say sweetness”, he burbled, “why don’t we throw a house-warming bash? We could invite the Obumas, and Bill and Hillary Clintstone, and that George Clueless chappie. We could do fancy dress. I’m sure I’ve got my old Nazi costume somewhere…”.

The Duchess of Deceit clamped her eyes together, shook her head, and drew in a deep breath. “Now listen to me”, she snarled, “very carefully. I’ve arranged for you to make another video to keep us high profile with the common people, and show how much we care. There’s a film crew out front, and I’ve written out what you’re gonna say on big white boards. C’mon, let’s go”.

“Right ho, my belovéd”, said the Pussy-whipped Prince, trotting along at the heels of his mistress with puppy-like devotion. “Erm, will you stay and hold my hand?”.

“No Harry”, explained the Mistress of Manipulation patiently, as though speaking to a child. “I’m off to fire the new nanny. Now try to sound concerned and caring”.

The Duke stood in front of the camera and began to murmer woodenly. “Hi, I’m the Duke of Sussex, but you can call me Harry. My wife has told me to tell you all how concerned we are about climate change and all that stuff. In fact, we’re soooooooo
concerned about damage to the environment that we’ve taken extreme measures to limit our carbon whatnot and do our bit to preserve the world’s scarce resources. We’re absolutely determined to lead by example; so much so that our modest little house in Santa Barbara only has sixteen bathrooms, and the pool isn’t even Olympic sized…”.

To be continued.

Nominated by Ron Knee

Lance Armstrong is a cunt, isn’t he.

A bicycle shop in Austin, Texas owned by substance-abuser Armstrong has suddenly refused to provide and repair bicycles for the cops because of police brutality. This is a tad odd as they’d been awarded a $300,000 contract in order to….provide and repair bicycles for the cops. As only $52000 has been spent, that’s rather a tidy profit.

They then had the brass to say that they “are not anti-police” and that they trust “our local police force will protect us from the very threats we are facing right now.”

Therefore, it’s not alright to provide and repair police bicycles because 0.1% of police are racist but it’s alright to cheat by injecting drugs into your scrotum then continually fibbing about it to win seven Tour De Frances.

There hasn’t been such an arrogant, cheating, junkie shitbag since that fat, hoodwinking Maradona cunt.

Get on your virtue-signalling bike to Oprah Winfrey, Armstrong.
On your marks, get set, fuck off!

Nominated by Captain Magnanimous

Caroline Flack whinging cunts.

Absolutely sick of hearing about this cunt. She fucking hit her partner, caused injury and got arrested. The same as any other cunt would. Why the fuck do all these people think she should have been exempt from the rules for being a fucking useless celeb cunt? Don’t get it at all – she was bang to fucking rights. If I went home and twatted my missus I’d be Instantly arrested for domestic violence, charged and sentenced – regardless of any underlying mental health issues. CPS got this one 100% right. People commit suicide in jail frequently- shall we start letting them all out now and never charging anyone again just in case?

It seems to have got to a stage in this country that unless your a white working class male, everyone has an excuse, defence or “valid reason” as to why they can break their own rules- think BLM criminally damaging statues, Dominic Cummings doing what he wants, MPs (say no more), women crying wolf and equal rights shit- until the bills need paying, the PC brigade, the Asian invasion, the surge in half of society seemingly having mental health issues now it seems to be “in” etc etc. Absolutely sick of these types of cunts effectively having a laminated invulnerability card they can pull out and wave around to get away with shit.

Nominated by Jack Cunt

It goes without saying given the sensitive nature of the topic but be careful about what you say on this one – Admin

A ‘would you like fries with that?’-level cunting for students and their cunt parents and even bigger cunt teachers who are blaming the nasty tories and exam board that they didnt get the grades their woke instructors predicted, with some 36% lower than predicted (despte more A and A* this year) and more than few being off by two grades.

Weirdly this external moderation system Labour are now pointing fingers at was agreed with by the big teaching unions as far back as April. This was to take into account work done in earlier terms and help weigh the grades ro a standard, set of criteria, rather than just give students wildly optimistic grades as done in bedwetting socialist Scotland where teachers were worried about the effect such standards might have on less privileged pupils.
Expect each pupil in Scotland to get a small trophy, a rosette, a pouch of Capri-Sun and a Cadbury’s Creme Egg for turning up.

If the pupils in England and Wales arent happy they can take an exam in the Autumn and see which grade is higher then use that as their grade when applying to study Fashion and Media with Gender at East Anglia or Bangor.

Degree free with your tepid pint of Fosters at the union bar. Just dont skip Freshers Week.

Cunts.

Nominated by Cuntamus Prime