I’m teetering towards my mid 50s and having some decidedly odd side effects.

My eyebrows are starting to make me look like a Gallagher brother,
My nostrils have filled with hair,
But most worrisome the tops of my ears have sprouted furry points
Like a lynx.

What’s the evolutionary advantage of a middle age removal man having furry Vulcan ears?!!

Now I’m not one of those male grooming puffs.
As many of you know I sport a beard that would guarantee me a walk on part in the Hobbit.
But that’s by choice
I have control over that.
So what else is in-store for me?
A tail?
Will I moult in summer?
Am I more prone to ticks an fleas?
How did Lon Chaney deal with this?
Luckily vanity isn’t one of my failings.

Nominated by : Miserable northern cunt

For the avoidance of doubt, let me say from the outset that I don’t really have an issue with the fair Danniella. No, this is less of a cunting and more of a plea.

Please dear, just disport yourself less in front of the camera. I don’t want to see pictures of you ‘channeling your inner Marilyn Monroe’, or trying to recreate iconic Pam Anderson moments from ‘Baywatch’ (Jesus). I’m pretty certain that not many other people do either.

In particular I most certainly don’t want to see pictures of your latest boob job. Frankly to a tit man like myself they’re more than a bit offputting.

It’s not a good look, so cover up and stay away from the camera, there’s a good girl. Frankly, you’d be doing yourself as much of a favour as you would the rest of us.

The Sun Link.

Nominated by : Ron Knee

We all know it’s a seething nest of race baiting, climate change preaching, Brexit hating, Trump loathing, Biden loving shit.

But this nom is a little more specific in that my problem is with its utterly pointless and misleading ‘LIVE’ reporting feature.

Natural disasters, minor pop star funerals, Bank of England interest rate announcements and fucking Harry Kane for the 90th day running.
There’s nothing to report. Posting quotes from days or weeks old articles every 25 minutes is not ‘LIVE’ reporting. It’s fucking lazy, pointless, time filling dross masquerading as journalism.

And for a corporation that seems to have an endless supply of ‘reporters’ to fly round the globe, it never really has a man or woman on the spot. All the ‘news’ they obtain is second hand.

Yet more ‘quality programming’ by those lovely people at the BBC.

What a pile of shit!

Fake News Website.

Nominated by : Field Marshal Cuntgomery

An obese wheezing, grease-stained cunting for that Glaswegian delicacy, the munchy box.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Munchy_box

Are you a greedy fat cunt living on hand-outs?

Is one item of greasy, deep-fried muck no longer enough?

Do you desire an early death?

Look no further than the munchy box, the portable banquet designed by Glasgow’s finest epicures, food technicians and pest controllers, making it’s way across all grim, run-down towns and estates across the British Isles.

The munchy box (AKA shitbox to anybody whoes ever eaten anything green or from a butcher) offers the discerning council diner an array of deep-fried shit in a single grease-sodden pizza box.

Common items include doner meat, fresh from the elephant’s foot, chicken wings with no meat after being deep-fried, chips with cheese melted on them, a slice of pizza or perhaps a battered jumbo sausage, deep-fried macaroni cheese ‘bites’, deep-fried spicy chicken ‘goujons’, and perhaps a small tub of ‘dip’.
The Health fascists will be relieved that coleslaw is available in a small tub, even if that is made of mostly mayonnaise and salt

Members of the underclass may pay for their shitbox in installments, making sure their access to grease, salt, sugar and the occasional rat dropping isn’t hindered by the complete lack of earnings or waiting for dole money to drop into their account.

This is the closest you’ll ever get to experiencing Man vs Food as you’ll never be able to afford to visit America, but those in the know across the pond say yes, if we all wanted to die before 40 and live like the most wretched, toothless, gormless welfare recipients of the UK, we’d order the munchy box’.

The Munchy box. The taste of failure.

Nominated by : Cuntamus Prime

There has been a lot of talk recently about the dangers posed to the human race by artificial intelligence. Although it’s possible that machines may eventually take over from people, it’s unlikely to happen in the near future. The scientists say that 99% of all living species’ that have existed on Earth are now extinct, so why should anyone believe that human beings are nature’s ultimate creation and will always be the dominant lifeform? We are alive as a result of other species’ dying off so it would be fitting if we were responsible for creating the species that replaces us.

I don’t have a problem with this, in fact I see it as one more predictable example of natural selection. The benefits to the planet itself would be incalculable because decisions would be based upon logic rather than greed. For instance, wars are started by humans who are small in stature and are desperate to feel powerful, or who for decades have nurtured an irrational sense of entitlement. Can you imagine Italian machines saying ‘we don’t like these French machines, they’re a bunch of cunts, let’s wage war on them’? It’s called artificial intelligence, not artificial stupidity.

Everything considered, I think it would be a good thing. Unnecessary pollution would become a thing of the past, all known diseases would be eradicated except perhaps rust and metal fatigue, and their numbers wouldn’t be allowed to increase to unsustainable levels. Those of us panicking about their chances of survival can relax, it’s not going to happen in their lifetime. I wouldn’t care if it did.

Unfounded Fears Link.

Nominated by : Allan