Christmas Drinkers. You know the drinkers that are nowhere to be seen for 10 and a half months of the year then invade their local pubs and behave like they fucking own the place.

I have drawn up a list of rules for my local pub to try and make these supermarket plonk swilling cunts a bit of an idea how to behave in any of our fine drinking establishments.

RULE 1. – KNOW WHAT YOU ARE ORDERING BEFORE GOING TO THE BAR
We understand that you don’t know the entire list of items that a pub stocks, but for your convenience most pubs have little drinks menus on the tables and posters showing special offers. Other than that unless you are in a hipster haven, snowflake ridden gastropub the choices are reasonably simple. Lager, Cider, Bitter and Guinness with a range of standard spirits and mixers.
If the pub serves food which you have to order from the bar make a note of the table number that you are sat at. You only slow down service for other customers while you walk back to your table and find out. Also saying “I am sat over there” does not work in a busy establishment.
Guinness takes longer to serve as it has to settle so ordering it last will only annoy other customers and the bar staff. Same goes for coffee. If you want a fair trade double half caffeinated decaf latte made with soya milk. YOU SHOULD NOT BE IN A PUB!!!
Have your money ready. Don’t order a round of drinks and then start rummaging round in your bag, pockets or anything else. It just slows down service.

RULE 2 – MOVE AWAY FROM THE BAR AFTER BEING SERVED.
Once you have received and paid for your drinks move away from the bar. This allows other people to be served quicker and allows the pub to operate more efficiently.
There is nothing more infuriating than a group of middle class Christmas drinkers stood in a semi-circle blocking half the bar. This makes you a “BAR-SOLE” and just annoys the hell out of the staff and regular customers.
The bar is a fixed installation and will not be moving anywhere until the next major refurbishment, so you don’t need to be there all the time.

RULE 3 – YOU ARE NOT NEXT.
The bar staff do a pretty good job at remembering who arrived at the bar first and try to serve in that order, however mistakes are made.
Banging your change on the bar, Waving a note, clicking your fingers or whistling is not going to earn you any brownie points. If anything, it will put you further down the queue.
If you notice a bloke getting served before you without even apparently ordering a drink this is “Chris” He is in here 5 days a week, 51 weeks a year. (1 week away in Ingoldmells at his mate’s caravan) Chris is the type of customer who keep this place open. He pays the bills. There are lot’s of people like Chris who although at times annoy people, ensure that this business remains operational.
Pretty girls will get served quicker. Nothing we can do about that. It’s just the way of Western society.

RULE 4 – PHONES IN THE PUB
Pubs appreciate that the background music is not to everyone’s taste, but it has been selected by the guys at head office to cater to the majority of people and reflects the time of day and the ambience that the pub is trying to achieve. Playing your latest Spotify playlist through the crappy speakers on your IPhone is just going to wind up the whole pub. If you want to do that stay at home and continue to buy your beer in Tesco.
Walking backwards and forwards in the pub with your phone on hands-free is also likely to cause someone to want to drop your shiny new smart phone into the nearest pint. We get it. You have a phone. It’s not the 1980’s. Everyone has one. Keep your phone conversations private and preferably in the next town.
When at the bar ordering drinks. Put your phone away. The bar staff deserve your full attention and will move onto the next customer if you are chatting or texting away on your phone. Facebook is not going to crash if you are away for 5 minutes.
We do not charge phones behind the bar!!! – This is not a phone shop. If your phone runs out of charge, Tough crap.

RULE 5 – BUYING STAFF DRINKS
Pubs do not have any objections with customers purchasing drinks for staff members. After all it is the season of goodwill, but please remember that they cannot drink them until after their shift is over and that they may choose to save them up until they have a night out.
Do not think though that it will get you served any quicker and that you deserve special treatment just because you have bought a drink for the staff.
Asking the staff if they want a drink will not get you a date. “Would you like a cheeky shot Darlin” or “what time do you get off?” is not romantic. It is creepy. Same goes for passing numbers written on a napkin/beer mat.

RULE 6 – PACE YOURSELF
Christmas drinkers are not equipped to handle a decent session. If you come out from the office at 4.00 pm on your party and start on the shots you will not last the evening. It is a marathon, not a sprint. Mixing drinks does not get you drunk faster either. It is down to the amount of booze in your system vs the amount your body can metabolise.
Throwing up before 9.00 pm is not acceptable and quite frankly embarrassing. Trust us guys it is not a good look.
The pub accepts no responsibility for ruined clothing, unplanned pregnancies, shagging the boss or hangovers from hell.

RULE 7 – CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS
Pubs buy Christmas decorations designed to last for several years not from the local pound shop and therefore it is unacceptable to take down the garlands and tinsel to use for your own personal fun and to accessorise your outfit.
Tinsel does not look good in your little black dress. If anything it makes you look like a slapper. This is not TOWIE or Geordie shore.

RULE 8 – DJ’s AND ENTERTAINMENT
The DJ’s employed here are not your personal jukebox. We hire them to provide a balanced mix of popular music and to enhance the evening for the whole venue.
Do not shove a phone into the DJ’s face shouting play this. It is just rude. If the DJ is taking requests simply ask nicely.
The DJ does not have a jack socket for you to plug in your phone to play a clip from youtube that you find funny. The DJ also does not have access to the internet as the laptop processing power is needed to ensure smooth audio playback.
If you make a request do not expect it to be on next. It is bad form to expect the DJ to change the entire genre of music just because you want to hear “Despacito” Also do not try the old line “Can you play it next because I am leaving” The DJ’s job is to keep you in the venue.
The DJ’s decision is final. If they think the song is inappropriate for the night or time they have the right to tell you to “F**K OFF” Another classic line is “If you play this everyone will dance” The DJ won’t and neither will the bar staff, so that’s your theory blown out of the water.
“Play something good” is not a request.
No, you cannot have a go and unless it is a karaoke, you cannot use the microphone.
The DJ is also not a coat, bag or shopping storage facility. Keep your own shit with you.

Nominated by Lickety Clit