The sight of people grinning inanely and taking photos of themselves has become a familiar sight since mobile phones first got cameras bolted on to them. These geeks can even get a ‘selfie stick’ to add to this life enhancing experience.

Still, ‘selfies’ are a pretty inexpensive pastime; or so I thought until I opened my paper earlier to find one sent by (wait for it) the Mars rover ‘Curiosity’. This shows, in fascinating detail, a collection of wheels, gears and cables, against a stunning backdrop of, well, nothing much really. A cost of a cool $2.5 billion makes it the most expensive ‘selfie’ in history by a factor of a very large number.

Now if the American government wants to spend its taxpayers’ dollars on these mobile tin cans, that’s their prerogative. But ‘Curiosity’ is just the latest in a line, and I’m buggered if it will tell us anything that we don’t already know about the Red Planet, to wit; there’s NOTHING there beyond an arid wasteland of rock, dust, and rubble for mile upon endless mile in any direction. Zippo. Nada. Rien. $2.5 billion? I could have told NASA that for the price of a decent bottle of malt and a couple of tickets to the Villa (on second thoughts forget the tickets; Villa are gash under Steve ‘I don’t do tactics’ Bruce’). For an appropriate fee, I’ll make them up a dandy certificate on my computer, something along the lines of;

To Whom It May Concern
This is to certify that there is the thin end of the square root of fuck all on Mars
Signed
Ronald Knee (‘O’ level physics and chemistry, 1966)

Okay, I understand that need to ‘boldly go’, to push the boundaries of scientific endeavour. But in this particular case, just how many rock samples do we need to confirm that Mars is indeed nothing but 50 million sq miles of utterly barren and hostile wilderness? Apparently Europe is now planning to get in on the act, with a rover scheduled for launch in 2020. The Chinese probably have ideas as well.

Just a thought, but couldn’t we spend the money on something that might be of a more tangible benefit to the people down here on planet Earth who actually foot the bills, maybe environmental or health care projects, or cheap, safe energy alternatives? Ah, but I suppose this would turn off the gravy train of dollars, pounds and euros, and the nice big pay cheques these yield. There are vested interests to be defended here, so the tin cans will continue to scrape up dust at inordinate cost, leaving Joe Taxpayer to wonder what the fuck’s actually in it for him.

C’est la vie.

Nominated by Ron Knee

Ok cunters, here’s a chance to ‘declare your gender’.

A little confused? Fear not, all will be explained. It seems that students at Edinburgh University ‘welcome week’ (hold up, didn’t it used to be called ‘freshers’ week’? No, that’s discriminatory language against freshers) are to be ‘encouraged’ to wear ‘gender pronoun’ badges to indicate whether they wish to be referred to as ‘he’, ‘she’ or ‘they’ (‘they’??).

A written guide issued to students claims that ‘gender is fluid’ and that assumptions based on appearance can be ‘frustrating and harmful’; therefore the narrative that pronouns can be ‘assumed’ must be ‘challenged’.

So there you go, ladies and gentlemen SORRY there you go EVERYONE. Let’s see if we can broaden out this ground-breaking initiative to embrace the wider population, starting here and now. Now’s your chance to get with it and declare just how fluid YOUR gender is. Are you a ‘he’, a ‘she’ or a twatting ‘they’? (or perchance even an ‘it’; let’s have no discrimination against ‘its’!!!). Don’t worry about it if you’re a bit confused at the moment; remember, ‘gender is fluid’, so just pick one for now, and you can always change your mind next week if the mood takes you.

Now I appreciate that if you’re reading this, you’re probably of an age when boys were considered boys and girls considered girls, and vive la difference. Well welcome to the Orwellian Newspeak world of ‘gender politics’. It’s hard I know. Like me, you think it’s a total load of pretentious, pandering wank, but hey, that’s unprogressive, dude. It’s time to challenge your outdated, bigoted mode of thinking, time to liberate your consciousness and heighten your awareness dude. It’s a Brave New Snowflake World out there. Just write your pronoun of choice on a badge and wear it the next time you go out, secure in the knowledge that you’re hip, and absolutely nobody thinks that you’re making a complete cunt of yourself.

And don’t forget. Next time you’re introduced to someone (or something) remember to ask that all important first question, ‘what’s your gender pronoun?’ After all, you wouldn’t want to give offence. People have been strung up for less.

Right on, man, er woman er whatever….

Nominated by Ron Knee

Why is it now the thing for mostly generation snowflake to begin all sentences with ‘So’.
So, I am a bit of a cunt.
So, we want a People’s Vote
So, I know fuck all about grammar or syntax.

So fucking what.

Nominated by Cuntstable Cuntbubble

People who start their replies ‘So’. So fucking annoying. And to my ear ‘so’ incredibly rude. A classic culprit was Ollie Robbins at the Brexit committee-‘So Mr Rees Mogg…’ when asked a question by said. ‘When did the evolution of the Chequers position take place?’ ‘So Mr Rees Mogg…’ ‘What was the timeline?’ ‘So Mr Rees Mogg…’ He didn’t even have courtesy to even look at him half the time. Unlike Jacob. The model of courtesy. ‘So Mr Rees Mogg…”I am going to deliver the information I have decided you need regardless of the import of your question’. What it really signifies. All done with feigned humility; frequent appealing glances at Dominic Raab in supposedly surbordinate to minister look. Very slippery customer. Yes it’s feigned humility. Under it all a raging narcissist.

Nominated by Miles Plastic

Another cunting for the EU.
It is showing it’s democratic principles by looking to sanction Hungary. Now Hungary may not be the most fair and decent EU country but it is a sovereign state.
It has taken a hardline stance against immigration. It has fucked off the army of lawyer cunts who spring up to defend the incomers at every turn to frustrate the rule of law by obfuscation and delay. (Well, uncontrolled immigration has done well elsewhere hasn’t it?) Others will certainly follow. And this worries the gnomes of Brussels.
By the way. Where would we be safer, Paris or Budapest? I think we know the answer.

The EU is an undemocratic bureaucracy that functions to serve the Germans principally with sops to other members. French farmers come to mind. It has no business interfering in domestic politics and this demonstrates it’s true colours.

Nominated by Cuntstable Cuntbubble

I do believe Chelsea Tractors, specifically in the guise of pick-up trucks, are well overdue a platinum-Grade cunting.

Primary specimens “VW Amarok” and “Toyota Hilux”.

Invariably these oversized road menaces are pristine clean, never having been within a hundred miles of a builder’s merchants for which they were primarily intended. Indeed the 30 year old, backwards-wearing baseball cap cunt near me and his kids (Benedict and Maisie of course) take great pride in polishing theirs to within an inch of its life every fucking weekend whilst chewing up the pavement / grass verges in their “fuck you” approach to parking it.

Needless to say these selfish cunts and their ilk come barrelling down narrow country lanes, expecting every other fucker to reverse to let them pass, use 1.5 supermarket car park spaces thus requiring a can opener to get in/out of your own vehicle should you have the misfortune to get them park next to you. Then there’s the fucking superior “down their noses from altitude look” when waiting next to you at the red lights or selfish loud banging of doors when returning home at 2am.

Of course as with so much this is down to that fucking third rate Canadian parvenu and his 0.25% interest rates making these things so affordable when they shouldn’t be.

Quite often too Tractors are the preferred mode of transport for Eastern European drug dealers ( blacked out windows; crap but loud rap music etc etc) with no discernible means of earning an honest crust. This itself should of course trigger some sort of enquiry from Plod as to how the cunts manage to afford the lifestyle but it’ll be a combo of illegality and defrauding the poor old taxpayer and they’d rather stitch me up for doing 35mph instead of 30mph instead.

The use of these Tonka Toy Pickup Trucks , SUVs , 4×4’s to drop off precious darlings to school, blocking narrow roads in sheer ignorance of other drivers or pedestrians and invariably piloted by yummy mummies scarcely able to touch the pedals beggars belief.

I never ever allow the following out of a junction

1. All the above types of vehicle
2. Sportscars
3. Foreign Plated cars
4. Anyone who’s ever been cunted on ISAC (sadly that means Parking Stanleys etc – you know who I mean and it’s a comprehensive list!)

So…..here’s a plague on these oversized cunts and the cunts who drive them!!

Nominated by Isaac Hunt

An overdue cunting for cunts who drive their chavmobiles with those huge fat loud exhaust pipes. It might make you think that you are king of the road, but you are just a cunt, and your poxy little chavved up Corsa won’t even have the power to pull the skin off a rice pudding. So, here’s wishing that you quickly end up wrapped around the nearest lampost. Oh yeah, and before you have your fatal collision, turn off your poxy fog lamps too.

Nominated by Mystic Maven