‘Women are from Venus, men are from Mars’, so they say. It’s a useful turn of phrase to describe variations in attitude and outlook between the sexes. I reckon that a prime example of this syndrome can be found in relation to the use of mobile phones.

Yesterday I got on a bus and chanced to sit in front of a lardy scratter who was giving it what for on her mobile, verbal diarrhoea of the ‘so ah sez to ‘er ah sez listen ah sez’ variety. You’ve all been there.

After about ten minutes, a bloke opposite gets a call, which proceeded like this; ‘hello…yeah…yeah…right see ya’. Fifteen seconds max. Meanwhile the whale spouts on…and on… until lo and behold, a second phone in her bag goes off. Wtf??

A SECOND phone, presumably for when the battery in the first gives up the ghost.

Then it’s ‘gotta go that’s my other phone ring ya later’ (!!!!), on to second phone and off we go again… ‘yeah ‘ello like ah’m on the bus (no shit, Sherlock!) no ah wuz just speakin’ to ‘er no she ‘adn’t ‘eard so ah told ‘er wot ‘ad ‘appened like an’ she sez…’.

After 45 minutes of ear-bashing my journey came to a merciful end, and I walked up the road day-dreaming about taking that mobile and stuffing sideways into the fat sow’s fucking fat gob. Where mobile phone use is concerned, women are indeed from Venus, and men are indeed from Mars.

What on earth do they find to yak and burble on about for so fucking long?

Nominated by Ron Knee

Yet another cunting for May, if she survives the week.

Has any politician ever been so out of their depth? Ever?
She took on an already fucked up Home Office and managed to make it worse. Some feat.
She called an election where she went round saying ‘strong and stable’ like a twitchy, wooden robot and managed to make Corbyn and his band of nasty, incompetent, Marxist, Anti-Semites look credible.
She used craven appeasement as a negotiating tactic with the gnomes of Brussels.
She tried to sell N Ireland down the river before twigging that the DUP wouldn’t wear it. Thus looking completely stupid.
Last week Raab had to go to Brussels to ‘unagree’ some ridiculous legally binding appeasement negotiated by her chosen incompetent Whitehall Remoaner Oliver. Which she will have rubber stamped.
And she has achieved the seemingly impossible. After 2 years hard graft, and at the eleventh hour, every fucker, of all political hues and opinions on the EU, without exception are opposed to the silly cow. How the fuck is that possible?

Truly cunt of the decade. She should win the Chamberlain prize for her utter inability to negotiate or inspire.

Nominated by Cuntstable Cuntbubble

Bugger me, latest PC news fresh in the press is that Kleenex “Man Size” is to be re-branded as “Extra Large” due to complaints orf, you are ahead orf me, “it’s sexist” me dears.

Fine for those orf us with a generous Blighty Beezer and a todger to match but in this snowflake age orf all inclusive (went to Pontins Ramsgit once orn one orf those, never again) trans up-arsing it don’t cut the mustard. It short Yours Truly is oitraged and demands a re-branding orf the re-branding.

What turn-key phrase could immediately convey to the end user the product’s USP, its functionality in absorbing all bodily fluids in a non binary existential paradign sort orf way me hearties? Light bulb moment. I give you:

Kleenex Wank Size.

Nominated by Sir Limply Stoke

Waitrose is having to change name of its ‘Gentleman’s Relish Chicken Caesar Roll’ after a complaint by one Amy Lamé, who objected on the fatuous basis that she always assumed sandwiches to be gender neutral.

Following a bonfire glow of self-righteous rage from the Twitterati (well, half a dozen half-wits), Waitrose made a snivelling apology, and agreed to change this ‘sexist’ branding. I’m sure that the smug Ms Lamé (make that Lame) will have enjoyed her sandwich as she basked in the adoration of the righteous, and then returned to the demanding duties of being Sadiq Khan’s London Night Czar, whatever the fuck THAT is.

Personally I think that she should get out more, you know, GET.A.LIFE.

Nominated by Ron Knee

A massive cunting for companies who cave in to feminist demands. The makers of Kleenexe tissues for changing the name of the Mansize tissues to appease the whingeing wimmin, and also Waitrose for changing the name of a ‘sexist’ sandwich.
What cunts, grow a spine and tell those tiresome screeching feminists to fuck off.

Nominated by Mystic Maven

Shortish people are little cunts, aren’t they?

I’ve never liked the spooky fuckers and I simply abhor the way they are treated with reverence, doused with accolades just for being short-arses. Yes, yes, we all like a bit of Panto and frankly Time Bandits is a marvellous film. However these are exceptions. Let’s face it most of them are mean-spirited, nasty little shits with a permanent chip on their tiny shoulder. A smidgeon of meritocracy should be applied to prevent excessive praise just for looking odd.

Take one little fucker in the news today, John Bercow. Elevated far above his talents, everything is compact about this pint-sized prick except his modesty. This deformed baby howls at anything in targets (Trump, Brexit) whilst constantly bullying women, and all the while supposedly remaining impartial! Does he obtain special dispensation because of his stature? Is he treated specially because he plays the ‘short-arse’ card?

They seem to fall into one of a few categories:-
▶ Creepy: like that Mini Me or the one from Fantasy Island. Also that terrifying freak in Don’t Look Now.
▶ Overrated: Toulouse-Lautrec, any special Olympian athlete, Tom Cruise.
▶ Cunts: Wee Krankie (the hideous, angry one who fronts the SNP, not the weird, angry one who fronts the comedy marriage) and John Bercow.
▶ Not funny: Wee Krankie (the weird, angry one who fronts the comedy marriage, not the hideous, angry one who fronts the SNP) and Warrick Davies.

Kenny Baker (R2-D2) and that Peter Dinklage chap from Game Of Thrones were the only cool smaller people actors (especially Dinklage who spent the first few series whoring, drinking, and quipping).

My awkward anxiety is palliated if these height-challenged Napoleon clones are not in my immediate vicinity and are doing things like roly-polys or riding hilarious, miniature bicycles in a children’s Christmas theatre production. Otherwise they are creepy, insidious, traumatising, cunty runts of Nature.

Nominated by Captain Magnanimous