Glitter


It’s that time of year again when I find that I have to let off a bit of steam. So it’s it the ritual dinner? The incessant commercialism? Perhaps the bombardment of charity appeals? No. It’s much worse than that. Something truly evil…

Glitter.

What evil bastard saw fit to unlease this on the world!?! My house is being submerged in a sea of tiny little glittery bits of the fucking stuff. Wherever you go there’s a little something that sparkles and catches your eye. Christ on a bike, I even found some on my pubes the other morning. How the fuck did it get there??

Glitter is truly evil. I honesty believe that if there is ever a nuclear war and mankind is erased from the face of the Earth then in a million years time when the aliens find this lifeless planet they will look down a catch a glimpse of a tiny little something sparkling in the dying light of the sun…

Fucking glitter.

Nominated by Dioclese

Bag. Humbug.

Person Christmas

(Person Christmas)

What’s Person Christmas? Well, it’s the non-gender version of Father Christmas and it’s coming soon. Apparently, according to a recent poll, a lot of people don’t care which gender old Saint Nick is. Gina Battye, an LGBT+ identity coach, tells BBC Three that it’s great that more than 17% of people reportedly want a gender-neutral Santa. Hmm. Which begs the question: What the fuck is an identity coach?

🎵 You’d better watch out, you’d better not cry,
Better not pout I’m telling you why,
. Non-gender Santa’s coming to town.🎶

Perhaps you want to ruin, befuddle and besmirch everybody’s Christmas memories through the decades, perhaps you want to re-write beloved children’s stories, perhaps you just want to shit on everybody’s fun.

🎵 “I saw Mummy kissing non-gender Santa, underneath the Christmas tree….” 🎶

Here we go. Another smash’n’grab to further belittle the male of the species. Dr.Who, James Bond, the madness will continue. Equal Opportunities for Myths! I’m surprised we still have snowmen left. I can just hear this sour-faced identity coach, “Why are they men? Why are they white? Why are they naked? PERVERT! Let’s teach the world to build non-gender snow persons without oppressive pronouns! Frosty The Snow-queer who identifies as an Easter Bunny!”

Listen Ladyboy, it’s FATHER CHRISTMAS and he’s a long-time, happy concept that brings a little bit of magic to a sombre Wintertime.. Why don’t you take your envy, your misery, your pc carping and shut the fuck up you malignant, titless bulldyke.

 

Nominated by Captain Magnanimous

Christmas Coming Early

Christmas Coming Early ….Commercialised Cunts !

I was in my local garden centre this morning for a bucket of fence paint. I’m stood at the till waiting to pay and having a look around … I then spot two big mock reindeer with a sleigh behind in amongst some fairy lit christmas trees … taking up about a quarter of the floor area … a quick check of the date at the top of my newspaper I’d just bought to check I hadn’t slept in this morning by two fucking months .. 19th September .. no, no, still three months until Christmas.

Me .. “Who’s idea is it to start the Christmas stuff in September ?”
Till woman … “You want to see some other shops, they’re far worse than us ”
Me .. “That doesn’t make it right though, does it ?”
Her .. (Sarcastically) ” When would you like us to do it ?”
Me .. “How about December ?”
Her ..”What difference does it make .. ?”
Me .. “Well,it’s a bit early for a lot of parents … you try telling a kid that it’s still three months ’til Christmas ”
… I get my change and tell the Till woman to have a Merry Christmas as she won’t be seeing me in her shop, because of their display, until after the New Year ….
I’m no ‘Humbug’ about Christmas, but for fuck sake, the kids are only just back from their summer holidays

Nominated by Boilsmypiss

Christmas In September

Compliments of the season to everyone.

Don’t you just love Christmas? Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose…

Er hang on, it’s only the middle of September. Be that as it may, the shelves of my local supermarket are already bulging under the strain of Christmas puds, wrapping paper, selection boxes and mince pies. Charity letters extorting (sorry exhorting) us to ‘think of those less fortunate than ourselves at this time of year’ are dropping through my letterbox like dead flies. Caterers are urging us to make our Christmas meal reservation NOW. Any day now, you’ll be flattened by a barrage of adverts which will hit you with all the subtlety of a brick behind the ear, aimed at twisting your arm into ‘showing how much you love them’ by laying out on that smart phone or playstation for JUST 299.99. I bet you just can’t wait to walk into any shop and find they’ve got THAT cd on, the one with ‘Simply Having A Wonderful fucking Christmas Time’ and all that other shite on it. I know I can’t.

Welcome to Christmas in September. Yes, only a little over 100 shopping days left to go. From here on in, every business big or small, every corporate money making machine has but one goal, and that’s to part you from as much of your hard earned cash with as little effort and as much speed as is humanly possible. They desperately need our help in every boardroom in the country. They’ve got the size of shareholder dividends and fatcat bonuses to think about, poor buggers. So come on everyone, get out your credit cards and get those tills going; it’s the only bells they’re at all interested in hearing ring.

But don’t worry, don’t panic. You can have your tea before you rush out. The clocks don’t even go back for weeks yet. If you miss Christmas in September, there’s always Christmas in October, then Christmas in November…

I would say roll on the 26th December, but then the fucking sales will be in full swing. Cunts.

Nominated by Ron Knee