Christmas In September

Compliments of the season to everyone.

Don’t you just love Christmas? Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose…

Er hang on, it’s only the middle of September. Be that as it may, the shelves of my local supermarket are already bulging under the strain of Christmas puds, wrapping paper, selection boxes and mince pies. Charity letters extorting (sorry exhorting) us to ‘think of those less fortunate than ourselves at this time of year’ are dropping through my letterbox like dead flies. Caterers are urging us to make our Christmas meal reservation NOW. Any day now, you’ll be flattened by a barrage of adverts which will hit you with all the subtlety of a brick behind the ear, aimed at twisting your arm into ‘showing how much you love them’ by laying out on that smart phone or playstation for JUST 299.99. I bet you just can’t wait to walk into any shop and find they’ve got THAT cd on, the one with ‘Simply Having A Wonderful fucking Christmas Time’ and all that other shite on it. I know I can’t.

Welcome to Christmas in September. Yes, only a little over 100 shopping days left to go. From here on in, every business big or small, every corporate money making machine has but one goal, and that’s to part you from as much of your hard earned cash with as little effort and as much speed as is humanly possible. They desperately need our help in every boardroom in the country. They’ve got the size of shareholder dividends and fatcat bonuses to think about, poor buggers. So come on everyone, get out your credit cards and get those tills going; it’s the only bells they’re at all interested in hearing ring.

But don’t worry, don’t panic. You can have your tea before you rush out. The clocks don’t even go back for weeks yet. If you miss Christmas in September, there’s always Christmas in October, then Christmas in November…

I would say roll on the 26th December, but then the fucking sales will be in full swing. Cunts.

Nominated by Ron Knee

47 thoughts on “Christmas In September

  1. I have noticed perfume adverts fronted by cunts have been around for a few weeks. Have rushed out to buy some just in case they run low in next 100 days or so. And John Lewis are giving Queen a seeing to so all is well.
    We already have the sprouts on the boil.

  2. You know it is nearly Xmas when that festering heap of decaying shit *Simply Come Prancing* announces with all the tawdry glamour of the nude bed show in Soho that it has selected it’s “celebrities” (aged newsreaders, weathergirls pensioned off politicians and Vince Cable), and at the end of August they show the oily heap of shits that will be mincing round your living rooms every Saturday night till the week before Xmas. The glitter, the sequins, the tights, the heavy make-up, and that’s just the men.

    If it was only once a week, that would be bad enough, but it is every fucking night Saturday and Sunday on BBC 1 and the Monday-Friday exploitation BBC 2 “It Takes Two” which just shits out all the crap it farted out the previous weekend. The endless newspaper “stories” here is a typical one:

    just show how fucking desperate the BBC are. Granted ITV have their thick as pig shit X Factor but at least the public are not paying directly for that bollocks out of the license fee.

    My Sainsbury’s started putting the mince pies out the week before the kids went back to school. Mrs Boggs saw the first Xmas TV advert last Wednesday during the break on Emmerdale Farm – for Disneyland Paris – another fucking good reason to long for Brexit.

    Why people have to wish their time away like this looking forward to 48 hours of the darkest days of each winter I can’t imagine but all those that do are as big a cunt as Gina Miller, Anthony Blair and Mangledbum combined.

    Years ago there was just an ordinary Come Dancing which did nobody any harm as it was transmitted as the last programme of a Monday evening 10.15-11.00. It was just the Epilogue after that and not a knicker leg in sight

    • Oh, be fair, WC. If the BBC started putting out original, unbiased and genuinely entertaining programmes aimed at an intelligent audience, there’d be no money to pay management to invent new job titles for its friends. Less than half the license fee is spent on programming…

    • I guess that after Christmas come the New Year jollifications (I think it comes in that order, I’m usually too plastered…)

      Aaaaaargh, feck – The Jonaffan Woss Show.

    • Up above the streets and houses
      Rainbow flying high
      Bungle sticks his arse out the window
      And farts in Geoffrey’s eye
      Paint the whole world with a brown one…

  3. Perhaps Advent Calendars should be updated to reflect “99 days To Christmas Day” or some such retail bollocks!

    We haven’t even got to Halloween or Bonfire Night (although I have seen shops stacked with stuff for both way back in August!)

    That said, you’ll still get some cunts who will leave present & food buying right till the last fucking minute!

    Merry Christmas, Cunts!

  4. Not to mention the dual fiascos of Halloween and Bonfire night chucked into the mix.

    A “so called” religious holiday hijacked by retailers to part as much money from consumers daft enough to buy into it all.

    Even more sickening is the peer pressure kids and parents feel to keep up with this year’s fad (which is often forgotten about before pancake Tuesday).

    Please also notice how immediately after a toys/games advert there’s a Wonga or Amigo or A.N.Other loan-shark ad enticing parents to hock themselves to oblivion. It stinks.

    An absolutely hateful time of year which spans the 1st of September through to the 28th/29th February (to include the “January” sales). It’s loathsome.

    If it didn’t account for 70% of the retail year’s takings then Christmas would be banned by now as it’s offensive to our much more deserving “peaceful” contingent.

    “Look Johnny it’s Jesus! He has returned!”

    “Fuck Jesus! Where’s Santa? That fat cunt better bring me a PSXbox9000, the new iRate tablet and a shit load of chocolate otherwise I’ll scream the fucking place down!”

    Bah humbug! Cunts!

  5. I will admit I can’t resist listening to a few carols in late September. Although I don’t usually start listening to the usual Christmas songs like Fairytale of New York etc until after bonfire night.

  6. Project Fear Update

    The fifth annual report by EEF (who?) and Santander Bank (thieves) predicts 3/4 of small companies are cutting back on investment plans due to uncertainty over brexit.

    Today’s scare story brought to you courtesy of The Guardian (who created the uncertainty in the first fucking place)

  7. Can’t see the problem with Christmas in September. In fact I’d move it even further back. August would be perfect. We could all barbeque our turkeys and sit around outside opening our gifts. Far more hours of daylight for carolling and visiting relatives. Plus we’d miss that old biddy who crawls out every December to interrupt the big film on telly.

    Fuck them.

    • Yes,and just think of the fun kicking some chubby brat’s sandcastle into his turkey-twizzler dinner.

    • My daughter used to live in Galveston. We’d be on the beach on Xmas day, loads of others with bbqs, playing volleyball, swimming and what have you. Always seemed odd because over here at that time, the cold’s shrivelling your nuts. Nice change from the usual tho.

  8. I’m watching the Xmas films on True Christmas (Sky 319). Beats the rest of the shit that’s on TV and I am able to tune out adverts and/or songs with no effort.

  9. I used to work with this French bird and she asked me why everyone at work gave each other Christmas cards. I said well it’s the done thing and if you don’t do it everyone thinks you’re a cunt.
    Apparently, in France, you give cards to cunts you rarely see and she couldn’t get her head around the idea of giving cards to cunts you see every day.
    Anyway, I only mentioned it so I could tell you I fucked her at the Christmas party.

  10. One of the big London stores, Selfridges I think it is, open their Xmas decoration department in July each year. BBC Radio can never resist mentioning it. What grasping cunts that company must be.

  11. ‘the only bells they’re interested in hearing’ very brilliant that. This story is emblematic of what a horrible disgusting thing all this Capitalism is. I have a friend who’s a lorry driver. Emergency load Christmas Eve. Threat of the sack if he wouldn’t do it. All his holiday plans ruined. ‘Why such an emergency, what was the load?’ ‘Chinese Christmas decorations’.Firstly Capitalism has no respect for national holidays/traditions. Secondly the carbon footprint of not only his journey but the load’s all the way from China across Europe to Blighty. But thirdly WE should be making our own Christmas decorations. We don’t ‘make’ Christmas (in the old sense) any more. We are just passive consumers. I could go on. Capitalism detroys tradition. It destroys the will. It destroys beauty. It’s destroying the earth.The load was too late of course but what does that matter as long as the wheels keep turning.

    • It’s shit but it’s far better an animal than socialism.

      Just ask the Venezuelans how their totalitarian socialist government experiment is working out for them.

      It’s the blueprint that Comrade Steptoe, McNationalise and the DFS leather sofa hope to implement here should the country be foolish enough to vote them in. Mind you with May in charge of the other bunch of cunts who could blame them.

      The only fuckers talking any common sense is is UKIP. I watched Batten’s party speech and followed the content of their manifesto. Made perfect sense to me, so no doubt that makes it a fucking stupid idea as far as the political elite is concerned.

      Their undisclosed mantra (across the benches) is: you just keep paying the taxes, don’t expect any say in return!


      • ‘far better an animal than socialism’ yes like an animal it is raging out of control ravenously feeding.

  12. The AL-BEEB happy to name stabby bastard William Billingham for the cunt crime of killing his daughter.

    Had Billingham been called Khan, Latif or Mohammed then it would no doubt have just been “…a man from Birmingham…” and “… nothing to see here…” if it had been one of the dozens of honour killings (inflicted on daughters of one particular religion) swept under the carpet each year by the authorities and the (un)popular press.

    Just saying.

  13. Christmas is hyped up every fuckin year to such a farcical idiotic extent that when it actually fuckin arrives its cant help but be a gigantic fuckin anti- climax.. recently the Jonathan Ross show was mentioned. i’ve just seen the ‘guest list ‘ for last saturdays show. you ready for this? Paul Hollywood. Sandi Toksvig,, Prue Leith, Noel Fielding. with musical ‘ entertainment ‘ supplied by Olly Murs. jesus fuckin christ ! did they sit around and say ‘ lets see if we can come up with most mind numbing boring set of guests possible ?’ you did it !!

  14. Am just waiting for faux outrage by some celeb cunt declaring on social media that “I am personally offended by Christmas, and its Christian sentiment!”

    And of course there will be no more Father Christmas because that would be sexist as well as offending the Gender Zero types. Oh and you won’t be allowed to use stockings to put your children’s presents in because that too is sexist and discriminatory!

    Happy Holidays (because saying Merry Christmas, will also offend)

    • Santa Holidayperson is also a fat fuck (ooops sorry! No ‘fat shaming allowed!) and a lazy cunt who only does one night’s work a year.

      • Too right Jack.
        All that mewling, mawkish sentimentality at New Year upsets my guts and gives me the shits

    • Hark the Herald Tribune sings
      Advertising wond’rous things…
      God rest ye merry merchants
      may you make the yuletide pay…
      Angels we have heard on high
      tell us to go out and buy… Tom Lehrer.

  15. Let’s face it if it was down to blokes Christmas would be just 2 days of eating and getting pissed. It’s only wimmin who go for all the presents, cards, decorations and all that shit. It wouldn’t happen without them.
    From mid November onwards trying to get any sense from a woman about anything other than fucking Christmas is impossible. They are fucking obsessed with it.
    Daft cunts.

  16. Got dragged out shopping by Mrs Hunt last Weds. Lo and behold there was a brand new Xmas Display right where you couldn’t avoid it. Even the shop staff were embarrassed when I queried it. Thank fuck the accompanying “music” wasn’t turned on or you might have been reading a report of the Guildford chainsaw massacre.

    Apropos of which I saw a superb Greg Lake solo concert around 10yrs ago in which he played one of the better of the ilk. Despite it being early October he did at least have the courtesy to quip “and doesn’t Christmas seem earlier every year?” Legend.

  17. A cunting also for new year’s eve. A load of cunts paying through the nose to get into some poxy pub or club and then pay more exorbitant prices just so that they can spend new years day with their stupid head stuck down the lavatory bowl and thinking about what a great time they had the night before. Cunts, all of them.

    • Yay !! That’s my birthday… I’ve given up counting, not that I ever could.
      I shall stay at home, avoiding the amateur alcoholics that will no doubt be turning themselves inside out, delivering pavement pizzas &c.
      I shall stay at home, in true sociopathic mode.
      If you’re REALLY lucky, I might even share my profoundest end-of-year thoughts with you, my fellow cunters. Or not.
      Aaaargh feck – resolutions… bollox.

  18. Rejoice cunters, no fucking ToysRUs ad this year with the same repetitive, murderous jingle they used for the past 25 years because the cunts were too cheap to upgrade. Hooray.

  19. I see that insane Xmas consumerism is getting into full swing.
    The fucking Royal Mint is even getting in on the act, flogging boxes of crackers at a trifling £5k a pop, each one containing a bauble such as a gold ingot or diamond. Sounds like the indispensable dinner party table decoration for tosspots with much more money than sense.

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