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A couple of nights ago I met up with my old pal Big Al for a proverbial “swift half”.

On entering the pub I headed to the gents for a slash, and on approaching our table, I saw to my dismay two halves of what looked suspiciously like Guinness sitting there. “What” says I, “is that?”.

“That”, says the Big Man, “is one of my New Year resolutions. I’m determined to educate your palate in the appreciation of the black nectar. You just need to acquire a taste for it”.

“We’ve been through this before Al”, says I with a sigh. “I told you the last time you tried this. To me this stuff’s as bitter as fuck, and right sickly to boot. It tastes like a burning tyre to me. How do you ‘acquire a taste’ for that? It’s bloody rank”.

“I reckon it was badly pulled last time” says he. “Go on, indulge me. Take it slow”.

So for the next twenty minutes or so, I struggled to neck this noxious brew, but had to give up. “Sorry Al” says I. “It still tastes you got it from a farmer’s cesspit to me”.

“Gaaahn you jessie” says he, “yer ‘opeless. What d’ya want then?”.

“A malt. Glenfiddich if they’ve got it” says I. “I need to get rid of the taste of that muck from my mouth”.

“Guinness is good for you”, the adverts used to say. Yeah, that’ll be right. Good for giving you the shits, more like. I’ll pass.

Nominated by: Ron Knee

The so called “Norman Conquest” and what a load of nonsense it really was.

It has been alleged by some so called “historians” that William the Conqueror scooted over the English Channel in 1066, did a bit of invading and took over the Country.

I have often suspected this was nonsense made up by Frenchies who are jealous of our burgeoning deodorant and shower products industry and hate the fact that the British are taller, better looking and harder.

And it turns out I was correct – I was recently skulking around Sir Fiddlers vast Country estate stealing turkeys and Christmas trees when in an abandoned building I happened across some ancient documents written at the time by “Kev ov Hastings” and a newspaper report from Ye Daily Mirror clearly stating what really happened – a drunken German accidentally wandered across the border into France, the dreadful smell of the place being temporarily obscured by the strongly flavoured “Schnautzerhimmel” sausage he was stuffing himself with at the time.

Upon seeing him the entirety of France immediately surrendered with a few of them, all coincidentally called “Norman”, being so scared they stole some boats from Ye Olde Dinghy Invaders and scooted over to Hastings. They went to a bus stop to ask for directions to the nearest garlic farm, were bitten by a Staffie called “Tyson” and all went home. I have interroga, er, “chatted with” several people named Norman and they all deny taking part in any kind of invasion so that’s good enough for me!

I am glad to be able to perform a public service by sharing this vital and historically correct information with you and as I am now putting the word “FACT!” in upper case letters I believe under IAC law this correction of history can now never be questioned!

However, a caveat – I believe my malevolently magnificent mind may be slipping – while I was finding out the info I kept imagining hearing a voice saying “Please help me – my name is Gemma, I am being held captive, please contact the police and my agent – I have money, lots of money”..

Nominated by: Vernon Fox

My first cunting is this: Marks and Spencer (Welcome to ISaC and your first cunting – Day Admin)

They are changing the name of Midget Gems because it could offend people. How fucking stupid can they be?

Next will be dark chocolate, then white chocolate, then chocolate.
So just point at it. Then it will be pointing!

Mirror News Link

Nominated by: Attrix

And here’s another one, this time from Liberal Liquidator

More M&S Wokery.

Do M&S actually spend their time selling overpriced pretentious food and sensible pants anymore or fighting the ridiculous culture wars and kowtowing to whiney bedwetters? They have decided to rebrand the sweets Midget Gems as ‘Mini Gems’ to avoid causing offence following a single complaint from disability campaigner Dr Erin Pritchard who said the name amounted to “hate speech”.

What kind of a cunt gets offended by this? One who is looking to make a name for themselves on social media probably. Why not rename Smarties for offended stupid people or pick out the black jelly babies (actually I used to do that anyway)
Rather than ignoring this nutter and people like them, they fold like the England Ashes team.

Time to grow up.

BBC News Link

Bit of a bad start to the new year for M&S. Here’s another cunting, this time from Cuntstable Cuntbubble

Get a fucking life.

No, not you fuckers but fuckers like this:

”A shopper is fuming at an “outrageous” Marks and Spencer chocolate product, which he claims is sexist.
The product in question was a Where’s Wally advent calendar depicting a cramped skiing scene.”

How many of these cunts are there who get ‘outraged’ by fuckall but then get disproportionate coverage? In this case ‘Where’s fucking Wally’ for fuck sake.
Lefties, trannies, effniiks, peacefuls, middle class metro ponces – They get offended or ‘outraged’ over some minor bullshit and then the media will give them oxygen.

And M&S – the malefactors in this case, said this:-

”An M&S spokesperson said: “We are grateful for the customer’s feedback and will pass it on to our product team so it can be taken into account ahead of next Christmas.”

A spokesman for ISAC said -‘ Fuck off you pathetic fuckmonkey and get a life ahead of next Christmas’

MSN News Link

and supported by Onceacuntalwaysacunt

I’d like to second this nomination but on a slightly different angle as aimed at those pedantic cunts that like to argue over basically nothing.

There was a video on YouTube on Alex Belfield’s site about some effnick who was so poor she had to eat a tin of dog food as she had no food.

I pointed out that for 20p you can get 500g spaghetti £1 for four tins of tomatoes and £1 for a couple of tins of tuna or maybe £2.50 for 500g of mince.

Some cunt replies “ooh where are we? In the 80’s for the price of tuna?” or something to that effect.

Well you fucking pedantic cunt, in Aldi it’s £2.39 for 4 tins so yes roughly 50p a tin and no we are not in the 80’s!!!