(I suppose the world’s media will transcend on Paris for this lovely jubbly work’s outing, while banging on about Climate Change!- Day Admin)

As I’m sure all you avid sports fans are aware, Paris is hosting this year’s Festival of Sports Performance Enhancement sponsored by Eli Lilly, Moderna and Astra Zeneca. Yes, it’s the Olympic Games.

To showcase French culture to the world the organisers decided to have an Edith Piaf song performed at the Opening Ceremony. All well and good. Except the person they’ve chosen to sing it is an African hip hop artist, and my Gallic friends tell me anyone over the age of 35 in France is extremely pissed off about it.

Cue the inevitable cries of ‘far-right racism’ from the French Liberal Establishment aimed at anyone daring to criticise. The organisers are digging their heels in, so make a date in your diaries for 26th July Cunters to hear ‘La vie en rose’ performed chimpanzee-style.

France 24 News

For the benefit of the Horn Section, the lady in question performing in her underwear:

You Tube

Nominated by: Geordie Twatt

India Willoughby’s a bit of a twat.

For those of you who may not know, Presenter and ‘celebrity’ Willoughby is a biological male who has had the full nip and tuck, and now lives as a female.

Fair enough I say, not really anybody else’s business. The trouble is, Willoughby keeps making it our business by going on and on about it. The latest is that following a soshull meeja kerfuffle, Willoughby has reported Jo ‘Jugs’ Rowling to the Hurty Wurty Feelings Police for ‘hate crime’, as ‘Jugs’ refuses to acknowledge that Willoughby is a woman.

‘I’m legally a woman’ bleats Willoughby. Well so fucking what? That’s fine by me, and society has gone a long way towards accommodating your aspiration. But that’s not enough, is it? Because YOU believe that you’re a woman, everybody else has to fall in line and believe it too.

Well I’m afraid that the world doesn’t work like that. Jesus was born in a stable; that didn’t make him a donkey. The fact is that you’re becoming a crashing bore on the subject. Just remember; ‘oh the gift that God would give us, to see ourselves as others see us’.

I’m fed up of hearing about it, so pipe down, there’s a good chap, er lass, whatever…

Daily Record

Nominated by Ron Knee.

Additional link by Sam Beau.

youtube

This afternoon reminded me of the reason i don’t really enjoy a buffet or spread, even with family.

Unfortunately my brother is prone to sniffles and sneezes over anything, my foghorn sister-in-law coughs loudly and obnoxiously (there is very little she does that isn’t obnoxious) and my dad coughs, sneezes and splutters over anything with a kick, be it white pepper, horseradish, mustard or chilli.

I decided I’d had my fill after a plate of this weekend’s offerings after the family had been in the kitchen, coughing, spluttering and sneezing.

No dessert thanks. I don’t care how nice it would’ve been, or that I paid for half the food. it’s now covered in droplets of sputum.

As the relatives on my dad’s side are all quite greedy (they have always been keen groakers at family meals), i wonder if it is a way of marking the food they intend on ingesting later in the evening. All I can say about it is it’s fucking disgusting, and the main reason i never use buffets in restaurants.

It also seems those who use the buffet, particularly those who frequent AYCE emporia/barns on the outskirts of large provincial towns are malnourished members of the underclass, strangers to green coloured food (they probably eat more blue food than green – wonder if there’s a ratio of green to blue for fat cunts on mobility scooters NHS dieticians have developed) and thus prone to coughing, spluttering and sneezing from a lack of vitamins, and in turn, infect each other via ladles of lurid sludge steeped in MSG.

Heart News

Nominated by: Cuntamus Prime

There have been a few ‘gates’ over the years. Cunters will no doubt recall the likes of Watergate, Irangate and Whitewatergate, not to mention our very own (much more recent) Party gate.

All of these are eclipsed however by the very latest bombshell to hit the news; a saga the like of which hasn’t been seen since the abdication crisis, and which has plunged the Royal Family and the nation into utter turmoil.

I refer of course to what I’ll term ‘Photogate’. In a calculated and cynical attempt to deceive the world, Princess Catherine issued a picture of herself and her children, wishing everyone a happy Mother’s Day. Immediately the media sensed that something wasn’t right. A massive investigation began, leading to a shocking, staggering conclusion. The image had been ‘altered’, leading many news agencies to withdraw it from circulation.

Just what the hell was going on? Clearly sinister forces were at work here, and a global furore erupted. Just what was the Palace trying to hide? Was the princess much sicker than we’d told? Was the ‘doctored’ photo hiding the fact that a body double was in play, Putin style? Did the original image reveal signs that the princess was part lizard woman? Has she been abducted by aliens?

A statement has now been released, claiming to come from the princess herself. This says that she’s an amateur photographer herself, and that she often ‘tweaked’ photos on her computer, which was the case here. It concluded with an apology for any confusion.

Pathetic and deceitful. This just won’t wash, particularly as the palace refuses to disclose the original picture. The ‘deep state’ is clearly at work here, and will resort to any measure to keep the facts from the people.

Well I say this. We are entitled to the truth. A conspiracy of silence will no longer suffice. The nation which survived the worst that Hitler could throw at us can take it, however bad it is. We should be told.

The Sun

Nominated by Ron Knee.

Sending your kids to school in nappies.
Really? If you do this, you really are a cunt.

The Independent

I almost didn’t believe this, but I asked Aunty Google, and it’s true.
Not only are some parents sending their kids to school only partly toilet trained, but some roll up with a pack of pull-up and wipes, and seem to think it’s not only the teachers job to clean shitty arses, but also to complete the toilet training.

Fucking unbelievable! I’d reserve the right of any teacher to refuse a place at the school for any child aged 5 who wasn’t ( excluding the odd accident) fully toilet trained.

Nominated by: Jeezum Priest