Ticketmaster

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So it’s a right game in Glasgow. Commonwealth Games website overwhelmed by “unexpected demand”. Punters wasting hours trying to get on the site then unable to get tickets. Punters trying to book on the phone getting engaged tone then finding they have been billed £100 for the privilege. Sound familiar? London Olympics? You are not wrong. Same yank shower running the show? Correct. Ticketmaster.

The London tossers were apparently obliged to use the yank cunts because they have some rolling sweet heart deal stitched up with the world governing body. Land the Olympics then you have to use Ticketmaster to flog yer tickets. Not so Glasgow so why use the proven masters orf the fuckup? I smell dodgy jockeys and the big fix. Lay odds that there is plenty of cash in large brown envelopes circulating in certain circles in Glasgow.

They may have acquired a virtual monopoly on mass spectator events but once again Ticketmaster are revealed as incompetent cunts.

Nominated by: Sir Limply Stoke

Alex Salmond [5]

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Alex Salmond – cunt of McCunts. Not just for his peculiarly nauseating, clamouring desperation to take the throne of Scottish power, but for the cuntish way in which he exploits xenophobic and dated racial hatred in order to score political points against “the enemy”.

The smarmy desperate cunt then pontificates about “Scotland’s place in Europe” as if leaving one old system of oppression to join another, newer one that’s even more centralised will be a cure for all of Scotland’s ills.

Fuck off you ugly fucking McMunter and pull that haggis out of your fat arse.

Nominated by: Amy Turding

Internet groomers

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I would like to nominated “Mummy” as a cunt. She openly flirts with me on Facebook which was very flattering until I found she started life as a man called Marty and still has a dinklage!

I don’t appreciate having my feelings toyed with by some fucking tranny from Florida…

Nominated by: Adam Paul Cortez

No – I don’t want to meet up with you. Not only that but I don’t want to send you pictures of myself naked in compromising positions, give you my phone number or ‘go-private’ in your internet chat room.

However, if you’d like to give me your details, my daddy is a policeman who would very much like to get to know, you sick cunt!

Nominated by: Rolf

David Cameron [15]

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The posh twat Cameron just does what conservatives always do. Labour gets in and fucks up the economy, and then the tories get in and sell off whatever we have left to clear the debt, and claim they are fiscally responsible. Meanwhile we have to pay more money for everything to line the pockets of the newly privatised industry stock holders.

So guess what, we still get fucked!

Nominated by: The oncoming Fart

Sting [4]

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Why Sting?

Because he’s a pompous bastard. All that pretentious bollocks he has done since he disintegrated The Police (ie: everything since ‘Every Breath You Take’). That tantric sex bullshit. That revolting ‘last Police single’ (that total turd remix he did of ‘Don’t Stand So Close To Me’). Carping on about the rainforests while living like a king. He’s like a Bob Geldof with a bit more sophistication and brains…

Nominated by: Norman Whiteside