The Ebola response

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Been greatly arsed by the cunt Cameron’s customarily incompetent response to the Ebola thing. HMG hopping from foot to foot while trying to toss itself orf. Usual arrogant assumptions that the NHS can cope, that border controls will spot any diseased swartzer trying to sneak into the country ect ect. Like bugger hell they will. Remember that these are the same dismal twats that nearly fucked the Union. Tell tell signs orf Ebola are red eyeballs and vomiting and border staff are going to tell these cunts apart from pissed punters returning from an all inclusive all you can drink holiday?

As hordes of diseased African cunts try to come into the country we are sending large numbers orf our troops and NHS staff over to Bugger Bugger Land where they will duly become infected and be brought back here to have every opportunity to spread the virus. On top of all this there are any number orf Christian Missionaries pouring into the region hoping that sporting a pair of Marigolds, a face mask and an erection will protect them if their prayers do not. Now call me an old soldier and an old cunt but thought that the classic way to bring an epidemic under control is to contain it and let it burn itself out.

Point is the jaspers are used to this kind orf thing. They consider a spot orf plague or Deng virus as a natural form orf birth control. All very tragic, every sympathy ect ect but Africa requires its pestilences to keep it vast populations in check. Then the next step is inoculation followed by castration.

You know it makes sense.

Nominated by: Sir Limply Stoke
Sent from my cheapo chinko crappo smartmoneyphone

(…and that Jeremy Hunt’s a cunt too. Ed.)

Maroon 5 [2]

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Maroon 5 are easily the worst musical bastards to be found anywhere, at anytime during all of human existence.

I’d preferably listen to jazz or, and it cunting pains me to say this, Muse!

I dunno who the lead singer is but his voice is so absurdly cuntish it defies all conceivable logic that any sentient person would go out of their way to pay money to listen to it.

The first time I heard ‘Pay phone’ (if you haven’t been subjected to it, please, just… just listen in the once so you can stop it a short time into the ‘song’ and remind yourself that you however bad your life is you still have the control to abort such a terrible occurrence) on the cunt filled abyss that is Radio 1 I genuinely believed it to be a joke/comedy song that was released as a piss-take. It’s the worst song I’ve ever heard.

“I’m at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you
Where have the times gone? Baby, it’s all wrong
Where are the plans we made for two?”

Those are the opening lyrics to the cunt-heap of it.

Take off your caps and stand in a moments reflection on the death of sanity and taste because, you sweet, pure, innocent cunts, that monstrosity sat astride the top of the sales charts in this fair country for 2 fucking weeks.

A dirty, yank, cunt-weasel import that should be drowned in the mid-Atlantic. Maroon cunting 5.

Nominated by: Cunt O’MaCunto

Noel Fielding

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Noel Fielding is a cunt. Not only is this ‘Look at me!’ whopper vastly unfunny. He also looks like a total bellend: with his piss poor Bowie/Jagger/Bolan/Cooper ‘I think I am a 70s rock star’ bullshit.

And now that blonde hair and Stetson look makes him appear even more of a prize twat…

Nominated by: Norman

Colin Firth

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Colin Firth is long overdue for a cunting. Every time I’ve been to the cinema recently, the main feature and/or the trailers have featured this talentless cunt with his morose, hangdog face and dead eyes.

Firth’s screen presence is the cinematic equivalent of tumbleweed. He has negative charisma – whenever he’s on screen, the screen seems somehow emptier. What’s baffling is how the cunt ever achieved the kind of leading man status he currently enjoys. Personally I blame the female audience who swooned over him as Mr Darcy – although anyone who finds the idea of Firth in a wet shirt the least bit arousing must be the kind of frigid, sex-starved fat bird whose idea of raunch is a guilt-wracked rub to a Michael Bublé video.

Nominated by: Fred West

Lewis Hamilton

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Now I’ve not watched F1 much since the days when Michael Schumachers biggest rivals were Damon Hill and Mika Hakinnen and also I’m more of a bike man than a car man, anyway…..

Lewis Hamilton irritates me, moreso than any sportsman I’ve heard of for several reasons.

1) He is a monumental whinger. He is Nigel Mansell MkII. Nothing is ever good enough for him and he seems to think the world owes him something.

2) People like to point out that he came from a normal background. Sorry to piss on that parade but the man who has won more races and championships than any other in F1 is the son of a bricklayer and another F1 champion Kimi Raikonnen is the son of a man who drove steamrollers so unless those professions pay a lot more abroad than they do in the UK, Lewis isn’t unique in the “normal” stakes.

3) He moved to Switzerland for “privacy” – now we know he went there to avoid tax and to be fair I don’t blame him. I’d do the same but I’d also just say “I’m moving to a tax haven because I don’t see why the UK government should take 50% of my earnings when they didn’t contribute a penny to my career during the years while rising through the ranks”. Simple. Also people who value privacy don’t date a woman who was in a pop group known worldwide and continues to be in the public eye to this day.

Lewis you may be an awesome driver but you drive a Mercedes and that (and the above), my friend, makes you a womans front bum.

Nominated by: Mr Cunty Pants