I wish to nominate the movie ‘Braveheart’ for a Cunting. For the past 15 or so years this utterly shite movie had been pissing me off and I can’t hold it back any more.

First, there’s that premium cunt Mel Gibson exhibiting himself in a kilt with a 1980s mullet haircut. He looks a total cunt, with his face and ass painted blue and that phony Scottish accent.

Then there’s the appalling dialogue. Most of it is bombastic, grandiose and trite. To quote a few gems –

“Frrrreeeeedddooooommmmmmm”.
“ Don’t you speak Latin” , quoted to a 9 year old peasant living up the ass of the Highlands, “ well that’s something we shall have to remedy, isn’t it?”
“Your commander must cross that field, put his head between his legs and kiss his ass”.
“Your heart is free.. have the courage to follow it”.

And don’t get me started on the historical inaccuracies. This movie is just an over hyped vehicle for Scottish nationalism. The English are presented as having enslaved the freedom loving Scots for at least a generation. In fact the English had occupied Scotland for one year at the time of Wallace’s rebellion. The Scots did not wear kilts then – they were popularised by the Victorians. The Princess of Wales was actually 9 at the time and unlikely to have started an affair with Wallace as shown in the movie. And as for “ prima nocte”, this never even existed in the feudal period. Wallace is also portrayed as a rough neck, a sort of feudal Bruce Springsteen. In fact he had noble blood, was well connected and highly educated.

All this wouldn’t matter if it was just entertainment for ignorant Yank cunts. But Braveheart is the bible of the Scottish nationalist movement. The movie exacerbated nationalist sentiment and that cunt Gibson loved it. You will see many Scottish nationalists now getting themselves up like Gibson with blue faces and blue asses, displaying their gonads and shouting “ ffffrrrreeeedddddooooooommmmmmm”. Wankers.

There is only one good thing in this movie and that’s Patrick McGoohan as Edward I. Brilliant performance. I’m rooting for him all the way through. Loved it when he chucked his son’s pompous lover out the window. What a cool cunt. Cut out Wallace, the Scots and everything else and just leave in Longshanks. The rest can fuck off.

Nominated by Marvellous Mechanical Cunting Machine

Old girlfriends
I made a big mistake recently and did a Google search for the love of my life 40 years ago. I haven´t seen for decades and she has a fairly common name so it took some time to find her. After the effort, I wish I hadn’t.
The goddess whom I thought was the most beautiful girl in the world all those years ago – and she was – and captivated me has turned into a wrinkly old bag with glasses perched on her nose like an eccentric academic. She seems to spend her time baking as her Instagram account is full of pictures of cakes and scones along with “humorous” comments. There are also some pictures of her husband – an ugly, specky, bald prick with false teeth. The exact opposite of me.
I have had a few other girlfriends since then and have been married for decades but still think first love is true love.

Let´s end with Byron who summed her up in those days although the old bag has probably forgotten me.
There be none of Beauty’s daughters
With a magic like thee;
And like music on the waters
Is thy sweet voice to me:
When, as if its sound were causing 5
The charmed ocean’s pausing,
The waves lie still and gleaming,
And the lull’d winds seem dreaming:

And the midnight moon is weaving
Her bright chain o’er the deep, 10
Whose breast is gently heaving
As an infant’s asleep:
So the spirit bows before thee
To listen and adore thee;
With a full but soft emotion, 15
Like the swell of summer’s ocean.

Nominated by Mr Polly

Scotland’s bottle deposit scheme.

Oh fuck off SNP!! Leave us alone. I already recycle my bottles and because irresponsible chavs and spoilt children don’t have the sense of civic responsibility to put their plastic in the right fucking bin, I now have to return my bottles to the fucking retailer as well as all the other dividing and disposing of recyclable materials.

Get out of my life you Weegie cunts!

nominated by MandroidZ

The prototype sturgeon bank