Sadly we’re all too familiar with that breed of wanker known as Cycle Cunt. You see them everywhere, racing along pavements and streets with blatant disregard for the Highway Code, or even basic civility.

Unfortunately Cycle Cunts are now being aided and abetted by a new form of two-wheeled tosspot. You’ve probably noticed him infesting the highways and byways of our fair land in increasing numbers of late. Let’s dub him (or her, or them, or it; we wouldn’t want to discriminate) Electric Scooter Cunt.

Earlier today the wife was driving us sedately along the main drag when one these twats shot straight out of a narrow side street literally feet in front of us. The missus just about stood the car on end, causing agonising pain to shoot through my dodgy back as a consequence. The lout absolutely tore across the road (fucking hell, I didn’t realise that these things could travel so fast!) and shot off down the opposite street, but not before he had the time to glance back and give us that arrogant sneer so beloved of anti-social cunts everywhere.

I take it the deal with these scooters is the same as with their two-wheeled relative? No instruction or test required by the user, no tax, no licence, no helmet , no lights, oh, and no regard for anyone else out and about, in to order to be a fully qualified Electric Scooter Cunt.

I’m reminded of the classic Monty Python sketch about there being ‘just too many Whickers’. If they were making that today, it would have to be ‘just too many cunts on two wheels’.

Nominated by: Ron Knee

We can all do with a bit of light relief in these trying times, so hats off to the good burghers of the Shetland Islands for giving it to us, via a real poke in the eye for those twats in the SNP.

Shetlanders, who have never been keen on the notion of Scottish independence from the UK, seem to be increasingly frustrated by the attitude of the Holyrood parliament.

Concerned at what they see as the ‘hoarding of power and money’* by Holyrood, and cuts in funding to the islands, councillors in Lerwick have voted overwhelmingly to pursue self-determination.

Apparently this would effectively involve becoming a self-governing Crown dependency along the lines of Jersey and the Isle of Man, thereby remaining part of the UK whatever the future governance of Scotland turns out to be.

Oh the delicious irony of it. It’s audacious and hilarious. So come on Wee Jimmy Krankie, let’s hear the SNP’s position on this. After all, you and your Westminster mouthpiece Ian ‘Bloater’ Blackford do nothing but bleat on incessantly about how ‘the democratic aspirations of people must be met’. Why aren’t you endorsing the Shetlanders’ call for a referendum on the proposal?. Perhaps you’re troubled by the paradox of how you can keep Scotland together whilst trying your utmost to tear it out of the UK?. Who’s next, the Orkney Islands, perhaps?

Mmm, silence has been the deafening reply so far… go on Krankie, put that in your bagpipes and fucking smoke it.

* approximate translation into English; ‘it’s Shetland’s fookin’ oil!’.

Nominated by: Ron Knee 

They defaced the statue of Winston Churchill (again) while praising Josef Stalin – a man who murdered millions of innocent people, oppressed millions more and despised foreigners.

Nominated by: Cunt me in

Let’s have a what’s-her-fucking-problem-now-stop-trying-to-pretend-you-are-doing-this-for-the-benefit-of-the-British-people cunting for our favourite Guyanan immigrant.
I’ve got nothing specific to say about likkle Gina apart from I think she’s a bit of a cunt and all the hard work and stress of protecting the British public from itself is having a detrimental effect on her looks.
For those of a nervous disposition I suggest you look away now.
https://images.app.goo.gl/xcjbGpsEGECNeddY8

If that doesn’t put you off your Shreddies then nothing will.

I wonder if her sugar daddy still fancies her?

Nominated by: SimmyJavil

Once a-fucking-gain.

Since the advent of the Kung Flu, folk around the world have been in various varieties of lockdown, and The Guardian has been releasing a steady stream of articles along the lines of ‘how I gave up drinking in lockdown’, and ‘how lockdown taught me I didn’t really enjoy alcohol’ blah blah blah you get the idea, and just in case you don’t, the killjoy miserablist New Puritans of The Guardian are not-so-subtly spelling it out: you should give up the booze.

If I were of a nasty suspicious turn of mind, I would imagine that they were perusing this argument so that we can all the better accommodate a certain non-drinking religion of peace, but as a man who enjoys a good bourbon it doesn’t really matter to me why they want what they want, because they can get to fuck, and once they get there, they can fuck off all over again.

Nominated by: Chimp Licker