I nominate UK TV Licensing. Let’s not pussy foot around: this only pays for the BBC and their services.

Note to admin: This picture is the email headers sent to me
up-to 2 weeks before my license was due to expire. The final
reminder 3 days before it was due to expire.
http://www.filedropper.com/tvlicense

Not only have they stopped free licenses for the over 75s, they will now waste
£100M of your money on Black, African, Mexican and some other shit Entertainment.
Want to watch programmes on prime time Saturday night which says at the
end, “If you have been affected by any of the issues in tonight’s programme, call the BBC Action Line” (Casualty)?

Did you order your first license on 31st September? Don’t do that
or your license will only be valid until the 31st August. You have to renew on
that day. Always order a new license on the first day of the month or in the
first year you lose a month.

The money grabbing bastards also try to get your renewal money early
by sending threating emails up-to 2 weeks before the bastard is due, and a final
reminder 3 days before it is due. If I had time on Monday I would have waited for 1 hour before it is due to expire before renewing it.

Up your cunt Auntie and the tax disguised as a TV licence.

Nominated by Anton Pillar

Software developers are cunts. There are a myriad of reasons why this is so, but I will restrict my venting to just 3.

This nomination is a bit specialist, so I’ve edited it multiple times to make it as concise as I could and understandable to non-IT folk. Here goes…

1/ Because they trade off non-IT people’s insatiable desire to see something ‘cool’ and ‘amazing’ on a computer screen.

IT infrastructures which are well designed, engineered, maintained and documented and which are also secure, scalable, resilient and highly performant don’t happen by accident. It takes much time, effort and no little skill to create these platforms. But to software developers, it’s boring. Nobody really sees it, so to them it doesn’t matter. However, Little Johnny Programmer creates a new pull down menu option on the Accounts Payable screen and everyone whips their dicks out and wanks over his keyboard. That’s where the real IT skill is, right? FFS! The systems, network, storage, database and security administrators all collectively shake their heads, roll their eyes and think to themselves, “If we hadn’t done our jobs properly, Little Johnny Programmer WOULDN’T HAVE A FUCKING JOB”!

It’s a bit like an architect and construction company which designs, plans and builds a beautiful mansion. Then some spotty 17 year old intern shows up 5 minutes before its unveiling, attaches a front door bell and promptly wins an industry design award.

2/ Because they get away with fucking murder disguised as (a lack of) productivity and progress.

IT professionals with top skills, knowledge and experience are in short supply. The demand for new software systems has outpaced that supply by some margin for many years. The IT industry’s answer to bridging that gap was to dream up a new approach to software development called Rapid Application Development (RAD). RAD has evolved and mutated many times over the years. A current incarnation of its bullshit is known as Agile. Agile is NOT a software development methodology. It’s a manifesto and anyone who says different is an ignorant cunt. Agile does away with the traditional phases of software development (Analysis, Design, Development, Testing and Implementation). Instead, it focuses on just writing software in short bursts called sprints. A sprint is often just 2 weeks long!

Capturing end user requirements has always been a challenge. Users lie, mislead and leave out important details about how they do their jobs and what they need a new computer system to do. One technique which can help flesh out user requirements is called Prototyping. It pre-dates RAD and Agile by decades. With Prototyping a dumbass programmer with a paper thin understanding of a business process will quickly code some basic screen layouts with minimal field validation, process flow or interfaces to other systems. Once a user can actually see something working on a screen, it’s more likely they’ll be able to provide greater detail about what they actually want and need from the finished software. In the Agile universe, that first bare bones prototype IS the finished software. Detailed user requirements documented, validated and verified? Nope. All data elements with their validation rules defined? Nope. All business processing and interface rules defined? Nope. System and integration test plans designed and executed? Take a fucking guess!

To the IT Manager it looks like progress because Little Johnny Programmer wrote 1000 lines of code in the last 2 weeks. The follow up question should be, how much of that work adheres to the coding standards (if they have any), is reusable and won’t need to be re-done over and over again as new requirements emerge or evolve? Try 10% and you’re being optimistic. It’s a bit like some arse clown making all the doors and windows for a new house without knowing how many walls or rooms it will have. Too few? Too many? The right size? The right style? Who fucking knows? It’s all guess work and a perfect example of simply making it up as you go along. You just couldn’t make this shit up!

3/ Because they’re fucking lazy.

In over 30 years of working within the IT industry, I have yet to meet a programmer who actually gives a shit about efficiency and performance. Once a programmer solves a problem, they move onto the next one. They never take an objective look at their code and ask themselves if there’s a more efficient or faster way to achieve the same thing. The result is crap and inefficient code which causes system bottlenecks, slow downs and in some cases, whole systems to just freeze up once they go live. While all the Little Johnny Programmers are high fiving each other in the break room celebrating a job well done, the system, network, storage and database administrators are trying to figure out why a process which should be sub-second is actually taking an hour to run. After all, it’s THEIR problem now!

So stop calling yourselves Software Engineers because you’re not. You’re all lazy, incompetent and bullshitting cunts.

Nominated by: Imitation Yank 

Just seen this cunt on CNN reporting on ‘peaceful protests’ in front of boarded-up shops.

This is the same cunt that has reported from in front of of a burnt-out car dealership and a ruined warehouse. All of which happened peacefully… apparently.

He’s a FACKIN’ (sic) CUNT.

Nominated by: Dark key cunt

(So he’ll be equally delighted should he have to report on his own home going up in flames then! – DA)

A take my money cunting for the increase in the charge for single use plastic bags.

The government have decided that from next April the charge will double from 5p to 10p and the exemption for small retailers will disappear.
The charge is supposed to be used (after appropriate deductions) for good local causes decided by whichever outlet is issuing the bags, all fucking yippee.

Since the charge was introduced the reduction in single use bags has dropped by 80% and some shops don’t even offer single use bags, so why put up the charge, why not just remove the exemption which would probably account for a large part of the 20%.

It’s because they had a consultation and the majority were in favour of increasing the charge, absolute bollocks, as most people now don’t use single use bags they don’t give a fuck what the charge is, maybe they should have just consulted those customers who still use single use bags, they may have had a different result.

All this to keep plastic out of the Ocean and off the beaches, except when it the chicken cookin cunts from East London invading Greatstone beach, but they aren’t the only cunts who have no social responsibility whatsoever. 5p or 10p won’t make any difference to the chav types!

When the 5p charge was introduced it put a small firm in Nelson out of business overnight, but I guess that’s progress. I used single use bags, and reused them until they became a bit to tatty and weak and then used them in my waste bin, the only difference now is I buy more pedal bin bags, I wonder if anyone has done a survey to see if sales of pedal bin bags has increased over the last few years.

Pandering to the environmental lobby!

CUNTS

Nominated by Sick of it

The United Wildlife Union are definitely deserving of a nomination. I have to admit, I couldn’t find their website when I googled them. I found about them from a YouTube channel called HeelvsBabyface. I nominating them, because one of their demented ‘journalists’ known as Cade 6, has recently published an article entitled “Why White People Owning Dogs is Racist”. It started with a brief history of our relationship with canines, except instead of simply putting it as human’s relationship with dogs, he chose to put it as “the relationship between dog and woman”. So, straight away, you just know that this ‘journalist’ is a complete and utter cunt. Basically, white people stole dogs from the Eurasian people who put in all the time and effort to domesticate them. He even uses the term “filthy white savages”. In actual fact, they were traded. Apparently, it’s appropriating “black culture”. Except, Eurasian people are NOT black, you smug, thick twat. Your ignorance of that fact is itself racist.

To be honest, from what I heard in the video, it wasn’t really anything to do with dogs, it was just some white skinned pussy trying to assuage their guilt at being born with white skin, by slagging off our ancestors. And he comes across as being more narcissistic than Lewis Hamilton. And frankly, I find assholes like this to be patronising and condescending to black people. THEY are the racists. And going off the TWO photo’s of him, one of which is huge. The prick even tells people that if they’re white and own a dog, they should consider “donating” it to no kill animal charity or people of colour. No thought to the psychological effect it would have the dog, suddenly finding itself being dumped into a place that it’s unfamiliar with, surrounded by other dogs and people it doesn’t know. And it’s pretty obvious that this preaching failed experiment knows exactly fuck all about dogs. I’m pretty sure the history lesson at the start was either made up, or copied from Wikipedia.

In a truly just world, this waste of genetic material would either have ended up in a condom or shot down his mother’s throat. Unfortunately, it isn’t a truly just world, so he was born. Cade 6, I reject your request to donate my dog. I would instead request that you do the world a huge favour, by jumping off a cliff, onto a nuclear armed sea mine, located in water populated by sharks. And piranha’s. Failing that, you cunt. Go kick a starving tiger in the balls.

Nominated by Quick Draw McGraw

And seconded by Chimp Licker:

UNITED WILDLIFE UNION. COM

This gaggle of stratospheric cunts published an article on their website on August 1st claiming that white people owning dogs is racist!

The article can be read here:
https://unitedwildlifeunion.com/articles/
…but if you wish to avoid your piss attaining temperatures unwitnessed in this universe since the Big Bang itself, I shall sum it up for you.

Basically, since archaeological evidence points to the dog first being domesticated somewhere in Asia, white people owning them is naughty cultural appropriation, and if you are a white person that owns a dog or dogs you must immediately donate them to ‘Persons of Colour’ where said dog or dogs will find their ‘perfect home’.

Just when you think the world can’t possibly sink to a still deeper level of sheer mouth-frothing berserk insanity…

I couldn’t find a picture for this lot, so here’s a cute image of baby penguins instead – DA