Pigeons.

After enduring months of lockdown dog days, the wife and I are looking forward to heading off into the quiet beauty of Northumberland for a ‘socially distancing’ cottage break.

This morning I spent an hour giving the car a thorough clean inside and out by way of preparation, and it gleamed like new. But returning from putting away the sponges and buckets, what did I find? A fucking manky, flea bitten pigeon sitting on the car roof is what I found. The cunt saw me coming and promptly took flight, leaving behind a spray of shit on the roof, windscreen and bonnet.

Now I’ll admit that just occasionally, I do feel a twinge of pity for these flying rats. It can’t be an easy life, hobbling around on rotting feet, scavenging a living by pecking at a pavement pizza. Then at the end of a weary day, it’s back to the comfort of your rusty, dripping railway arch, to relax on top of a six inch pile of your own rotting shite.
Sympathy tends to be short lived however when you have to return to your newly washed car to shift dollops of cack from it. Don’t even get me started on the damage that the bastards do in the garden…

My birthday’s coming up soon, and when the missus asks me what I want, I’ll ask for a powerful air rifle to clear the vermin from around the house. That’ll learn the cunts.

Nominated by: Ron Knee

Karen Carney.
Short and sweet this one – she’s annoying, she has no idea what she’s talking about, she has the voice of a 12 year old, and she’s EVERYWHERE. The BBC have perfectly good female football pundits in Emma Jones and Sam Quek (say what? – admin) – so why do they repeatedly use Karen fucking Carney?

Nominated by: General Tso’s Chiggun

A House of the Lord cunting for Sheffield Cathedral and why would I want to cunt a grand and historic Cathedral, well it’s not the actual building but the cunts who run the place.

The Choir which was mainly white and male (adults and children) has been disbanded due to lack of diversity, the great plan is to reform the choir in a years time to better reflect Sheffields diverse community, but the current members will be welcome to return (maybe, if they can can change sex and colour).

Rather than encouraging effnicks (which the choir claim they have been doing) to join the choir, the infinite wisdom of the grand masters of the Cathedral is to completely dump it and start again.

There must be case for racial discrimination, the poor kids in the choir just can’t help being white, perhaps blacking up as per the black and white minstrels and singing mammy would tick the right boxes.

Cunts!

Nominated by: Sick of it 

I’d like to nominate the massive cunt that is Michel Barnier, the froggy little pompus cunt that thinks the EU has the right to continue plundering our fishing grounds.

We left your shitty little club and you can’t play in our front garden anymore so Fuck Off!

Nominated by: Little Lord Fontlacunt 

Michael Sheen is a cunt, isn’t he?

After receiving a recommendation, I had a quick glance at ‘Staged’ starring both this oily luvvie and David “eyebrow acting” Tennant. What a shit sandwich of a show. A dreary wankathon between two garrulous dullards. Time I could’ve spent watching the kettle boil or pulling out my finger nails.

It’s not often you watch something starring David fucking Tennant and he’s not the most hateful prick in the programme. Sheen is passable doing a Culshaw/Bremner-type impression though stretched out in a film (Clough, Tarrant, Frost) it’s a bit thin. Otherwise, watching Sheen is about as enjoyable as eating Welsh Rarebit with extra defecated, runny excrement. His performing seems to involve spasms of wild-eyed over-acting, flashes of his bleached gnashers then leaning back stroking his face whilst gurning.

He once did a 72-hour live Christ Passion melodrama set in a coastal village in hWelsh hWales. It involved dragging a cross up from the beach then walking through town with his grimacing visage smeared in Ketchup. This pointy-faced drip really loves himself.
Naturally he’s an anti-Brexit, anti-Trump, woke leftie. Go on Sheen, tell us about your charity work again, you fucking bore.

How does one say “Cunt Off You nauseating mook” in Welsh?

Nominated by: Captain Magnanimous