I bloody well loathe telly soap operas, nearly all of which are well past their sell-by date and fit only for boiling down to make glue.

The sure sign that the well of inspiration for believable storylines has truly run dry on these cod dramas is when the production team has to fall back on ludicrous crime plots; serial killers, attempted murders, rape and kidnapping and what-have-you. Who among the more cynically inclined could fail to treasure the moment when ‘the Corrie Killer’ made his debut? Just one of many shark-jumping moments in the life of that wheezing old dinosaur.

My thesis was borne out a couple of evenings back when the wife looked up from her laptop and said “listen to this. Apparently Weatherfield is the most violent town in the world, worse than places in Mexico and Brazil, even”.

“Huh?” says I vaguely, sipping my wine and wondering if I’d heard correctly.

“No listen” she goes on. “It says here that ‘Corrie’ has clocked up 467 serious crimes, including 36 murders. ‘EastEnders’ has 437 serious crimes, including 42
murders. ‘Emmerdale’ and ‘Hollyoaks’ have…”

“Yes thank you my sweet”, says I, “for those fascinating yet ludicrous statistics”.

“You sarky old git” says she. “I was only trying to make a bit of conversation. Tell you what, lets talk about something IN-TER-EST-ING, like Villa’s new manager”.

“Touché” says I with a grin, as she gets up from her chair. “Where are you off to?”.

“I’m going through to the front room” says she with frosty sweetness. “It’s nearly time for ‘EastEnders’, and you know how much I like a bit of true to life drama”.

Yes indeed. It must be about time for a space psychotic astronaut to crash the space station on Albert Square, or for ISIS suicide bombers to hold fifty people hostage in ‘the Queen Vic’ before blowing the place to smithereens. Soaps are nothing if not realistic.

https://www.thesun.co.uk/tv/16315118/coronation-street-worst-crime-rate-hollyoaks/

Nominated by: Ron Knee