I wish to nominate “white fragility” for a cunting on the award-winning website ISAC.

The internet is absolutely awash was made up terms by fuckwits to make other fuckwits feel bad. Dislike a medievalist religion that treats women and unbelievers like shit? You have Islamophobia. Don’t think cutting off your knackers and wearing a dress makes you a woman? Transphobia! Are you a well-known Australian feminist with fairly ordinary opinions about transgender ‘women’? Misogynist!

I thought ‘intersectionality’ was the maddest piece of shit on the internet. (For those of you who don’t know, that’s the idea that having different forms of butt hurt makes you top of the pile in Victimhood Top Trumps). But bugger me butler, I was wrong. Apparently, if a white person says they are not a racist that is evidence that they are a racist! This insane idea is called “white fragility.” Fuck me up the fucking ass with a fucking rusty fucking fish fork.

I’m off to buy an island and I am going to put up a sign saying “No cunts allowed.”

Nominated by Cunt’s Mate Cunt

As the nom pool is overflowing, I’ll keep this brief – Tesco delivery drivers are cunts par excellence.

I’ve just had a real narky cunt arrive, flustered because the dumb cunt can’t find the easy-to-find location, and try to tell me – the fucking resident – that my address is wrong. My address, is wrong. I asked the cunt on what possible fucking dimension he thought he was on, and that started a more heated discussion diffused by the brother-in-law.

I’ve had all kinds of Tesco simpleton cunts turn up here and lose shopping, give me the wrong shopping, substitute tinned tuna for fucking cat food, give me a week’s shop which has stuff all expiring the day after delivery… but to tell me I don’t know my own fucking house number is a glorious example of utter fucking incompetence that will take some beating.

It’s the fucking complaints email avenue for you, you cunt!

Nominated by The Empire Cunts Back.

I would like to nominate NPOWER for a massive cunting.

The bunch of utter heinous fucktards have mismanaged my father in law’s gas bill for god knows how long. Trying to speak with some cunt within that wankshitting abortion of an organisation to resolve their administrative fuck-ups is like trying to shit an adult woolly mammoth out of your arsehole.

As I type I have been placed in a make believe telephone ‘queue’ for 50 mins, waiting to speak with one of their scouse/Johnny Foreign/trained Chimp staff.

‘Thanks for your patience, we know you want to speak with us and we will help you as fast as we can’. Utter,insincere ballbaggery.

Cunts make my fucking blood boil!

Nomionated by Paul Maskinback.

Our intrepid reporter Hugh Chattering Islington Cunt hit the road to investigate the national crisis at KFC.

The shortage of the nation’s favourite finger lickin’ has left vast swathes of Britain in despair.

In the township of Tottenham the natives are restless. Large queues have formed at rival outlets. Dallas and Texas Fried chicken have recorded record sales of their finest halal poultry.

In south London, in Peckam and Brixton, the youth are wandering the streets aimlessly searching for their food of choice. Some  children are being treated for starvation at branches of McDonald’s and Burger King. Even there, supplies of chicken nuggets are in short supply and may have to be injected intravenously to those in most critical need.

Fried chicken addicts have been swamping A & E departments, suffering from withdrawal symptoms. The NHS has cancelled all non-urgent hospital appointments.

The Disaster Emergencies Commitee have launched an appeal, spearheaded by Oxfam and Save the Children. Four Hercules transport planes have been dispatched to Atlanta, Georgia where they will be loaded with fresh supplies of the Colonel’s finest from the south eastern US.

Waitrose reports sales of organic, free range chicken, have skyrocketed as the middle classes dust down their Jamie Oliver cookbooks to prepare home made nuggets for their youngsters.

Reaction from politicians has been swift.

David Lammy blasted the government for not doing enough for his Tottenham constituents. In nearby  Harringay, Dining About told me “This is a disgrace. Black people are suffering and the government stands by and does nothing”

Jeremy Corbyn has blamed the private sector for cost cutting. ” A Labour government would consider nationalisation as an option” he opined.

Police forces up and down the land are monitoring the situation. Cressida Dick of the Metropolitan Police reassured the public ” We will maintain law and order, riot police are on standby and all police leave has been cancelled”

Mavis May will be chairing a COBRA meeting at 11am today.

We will bring you updates as this developing crisis unfolds.

By Hugh Chattering Islington-Cunt.

I offer up to you what is in my eyes the Cunt Colossus of last week Shani Davis.

This heavily suntanned Americunt speed skater lost a coin toss to a White Americunt athlete to decide which cunt carried the Americunt flag at the Winter Olympic games opening ceremony.

So what you say? This piece of outdated farm equipment then went on twatter to play the usual race card, didn’t turn up for the ceremony and anyone who criticises him is racist. That’ll be me then.

Oh, and his name is Shani. Should be Shami. The names Leather, Shami Leather…coming to an empty cinema near you. Black Panther will be a cunt. A violent cunt I predict…

Nominated by Findus C Pancake