These are those people who always know what everyone should be eating and shouldn’t be eating. What’s bad for you and what isn’t. And go on about it all the time.

However it is mostly badly informed and constitutes fashionable eating. Case in point – saturated fats. For 30 years this was supposedly the worst thing you could eat, causing heart attacks and the like. But guess what, now this isn’t bad apparently, it’s now processed vegetable oils that can cause cancer and all sorts of things.

Fact is the human body is adaptable to most things that we eat, people manage to get on fine with eating whatever they grew up eating, loads of veg, bugger all veg. Fatty stuff, no fatty stuff. Coffee and fags. I’ve known people eat all of this stuff and none of them follow any kind of pattern in terms of health problems or benefits arising from their eating habits.

I have tried different diets, partly to combat a chronic illness, it almost always made fuck all difference. In fact, the only ever result I ever had was to stop eating fruit, veg and things with fibre in it. See if you can guess the illness (it is now in remission).

No – what these amateur dietitians are doing is trying to involve you in their lifestyle bollocks for some pathetic ego or self esteem reason. Well I don’t give a shit, I don’t care how much better you feel or how much weight you lost (and then regained). What I do care about is that you shut up and stop going on about it.

I once knew a guy who was healthy, slim, in his 50s, smoked a bit of weed every day (not much), and necked about 20 kinds of pills every morning that he got off the internet. If he had his way I would be putting all sorts of shit into my body with god only knows what effect, and he would have loved it.

They all would. They all love their advice. They all think food is some kind of medicine, which it fucking isn’t. And they all want control over your life for their own entertainment. Well they can get fucked, and keep their stupid advice to themselves. There is a first world problem here, but it’s not being able to pick and choose a globally inspired diet and the subsequent choice problems that come along with it, it’s having to listed to insufferable cunts going on and on about what you should and shouldn’t eat.

Nominated by Cunting Rank Wags

Spotify need cunting for the appalling way it is treating it’s minor artists.

I have 14 albums on Spotify and they pay me royalties every time a track is streamed. They don’t pay a fortune but it keeps me in beer money and it’s a nice little earner. That is when they actually pay me.

Seems that Spotify have been avoiding paying the big boys – people like Neil Young – who make a fortune from their music. Recently Spotify were ordered to pay out £83.5 million to songwriters who they weren’t paying properly. Music publisher Wixen has also issued a suit for $1.6 billion for what it describes as ‘willful infringement’ of copyright. Two other parties are also suing Spotify. Read all about it here.

So how does this effect me? Well, Spotify pay royalties around 2 months in arrears which, to be fair, is quicker than most of the other music streaming services. But then they get sued and incur fines, settlements and big legal bills. When this happens, they adjust their cash flow by not paying out on time. So I received fuck all last month. It’s happened before and I expect I will get paid. Eventually.

So because the little guys like me get screwed so that rich music stars can make even more money, I say Spotify is a cunt.

Nominated by ChasCMusic

I want to Cunt Family Tree seekers.

There I was, sat in the kitchen perusing the Death column in my local paper when my pleasure was rudely interrupted by a hammering on the door.  It was so loud and inistent that I assumed that either the Excise man had made good on his threats following the recent unpleasantness, or ISAC had published my name and address and I was under siege from the very occasional person who may have misconstrued one of my posts. 

However when the dogs and I flung the door open, ready to go down in the style of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, I was faced with an old gent wielding a walking-stick which he must have used to bray at the door.  I could see that the dogs had the beating of the pensioner if he cut up rough, so I demanded to know what the Fuck he wanted.  Obviously not in the least intimidated by 2 snarling dogs and one  snarling cunt, he set to explaining to me that he was researching his family tree and believed he was some kind of distant relative of mine.

I was taken aback by this unwelcome revelation, and before I could gather my wits he asked if he could see the old family bible and any other documents or photos I might have.  Fortunatey, by that point I’d composed myself sufficiently to demand of the coffin-dodging grave-peeker if he thought that I was some kind of Public Records Office.  I was in the middle of telling him I’d never heard of his family surname in connection with mine (I had) and that I had better things to do than stand on my doorstep bandying gossip with a complete stranger, when he said he had documents and old maps in the car which he’d like to show me. 

I let him wobble back down across the stackyard to his car, gather up his papers, and teeter right back to my door.  Just as he reached out to show me some bit of paper I shut the door on him.  These Family Tree searchers are mostly busybodies hoping that they’ll stumble on some misplaced inheritance, although by the look of the old goat that I chased, I was a sight more likely to collect from his will than he was from mine. 

I have no interest in my close family, never mind some grasping old fart who probably hadn’t bought one off those life-assurances policies and was hoping that I’d spare him the shame of a Beggar’s Funeral by contributing to the expense.  He was wrong.

Fuck them.

Nominated by: Dick Fiddler

Everything about this show is a cunt; the producers are cunts, the contestants are cunts and the cunts who watch it are also cunts. Cunts, cunts and more cunts. You must have no shame if you apply to be on the show and you must have no sense if you choose to watch it. Complete and utter, mind-numbing drivel.

A minute and a half I endured of this shite, I will never get back. However, those ninety seconds told me everything I needed to know about how thick, idiotic and vacuous these cunts really are. A bunch of tarted-up slappers and jack the lad fuckboy mincers engaging in meaningless conversations and unnecessary drama for a bit of attention and for the sake of being on telly.

The people that watch it and revel in the unfolding events need to get a life. Shit cunts all round. Also, the coverage it gets in the media and on various tv ads and competitions is absolutely ludicrous. What a load of shallow and superficial old cobblers.

Nominated by Jayniño

Has Love Island been cunted yet? If not then it really should be. Its vapid, heavily engineered tripe for the kinds of thick as pigshit cunts who can’t read anything more complicated and comprehensive than What’s On TV or Biff and Chip books.

Maybe I’m just so cynical by this point that I’m already, at the age of 20, out of touch with the rest of my generation but the mere fact that anyone intelligent can like this Big Brother knockoff tripe absolutely baffles me.

Nominated by Opinionated Cunt