Having done a fair bit of travelling on motorways in recent weeks, I feel compelled to nominate motorway driving as a complete and utter cunt.

In recent years (and still ongoing in some areas) we’ve had to endure miles and miles of 50mph average speed cameras so that large chunks of motorway could be widened to four lanes. Why? In these areas, lane 1 is now almost completely unused, whilst any number of spatially unaware bellends poodle along at 50 mph in lane 3, leaving the inside lanes completely empty and forcing everyone else into lane 4 to overtake, since if we do the sensible thing and undertake, you can be sure that plod is there with his little camera and notebook to nick us. Since the main offenders appear to be Dark Keys and peacefuls, may I suggest that plod relinquishes his speed gun in place of a more traditional high velocity gun and picks off any offenders accordingly. It may cause a bit of carnage for a while, but I reckon the penny will soon drop.

As an aside, since we’re still in the steaming shitheap of the EU, how come the Germans can drive as fast as they like but we’re limited to 70moh? I thought it was all about unity and harmony. Cunts.

I was going to add ‘baby on board’ signs, but I think that’s worthy of a cunting all of its own.

Carry on Cunting

Nominated by Kunte Kunty

‘An ex-mayor hired to help a troubled council has been sacked after being named as a Brexit Party candidate.
Kate Allsop, who served as independent mayor of Mansfield, Nottinghamshire, spent less than a week advising Merthyr Tydfil council’

This council, in the heart of nervous sheep territory, has been slated in an audit report for finance, leadership and governance issues. It is, in a word, incompetent and needs all the help it can get.. but no, they cant be doing with someone who, like the local electorate and the whole of Wales, voted Leave.

She is obviously ‘far right’ and not of the standard of incompetent, mealy mouthed, time-serving cunt the council requires.

Nominated by Cuntstable Cuntbubble

Cunts who ride deafeningly loud motorcycles in residential areas are cunts in extremis.

Each time one passes my wankshack at unsociable hours, I find myself fervently wishing each time that the inconsiderate, attention-seeking turkeyfucker is mere moments away from being propelled into a solid concrete flyover abutment, contorting head-first into their fucking crankshaft, amid a pile of broken bones, blood and shit.

Utterly fucking insufferable scumcunts.

Nominated by The UMPIRE Cunts Back

A cunting for that perennial type of misfit, the Goth Edgelord.

On the whole, I’ve found the goth/emo types alright and get on with them to some degree, but it’s that certain bloke you may have encountered that make me cringe when I see/hear what they get up to.

He is usually a he, although there are some female versions:

He has long black hair, a goatee or Van Dyke beard.
He listens to Linkin Park/Angsty teen shit, the Matrix soundtrack or ‘Epic Genre music’ while walking to the garage to buy bread and milk for his Mum, or taking the bus into town where he will smite his ‘foes’ in Magic; the Gathering tournaments.
He photoshops his social media photos to give his eyes a tinge of ‘Sith lord’ yellow.
He bullies ten-year olds in online gaming chats.
He tells his online foes they will know the meaning of pain, and that he IS a trained assassin. He sends people death threats if they beat him at a game.
He is a big fan of Neil Gaiman and Alan Moore and will mock you for not knowing their work.
He is a nihilist and anti-theist and is eager to tell you about it and how he usually wins arguments.
He may be 15 or 45, but always has the same jaded, superior manner, wears all- black and Dr Martens. There is usually a skull/chain motif in clothing, jewellery.
He likes vampires, anti-heroes, or any character that could be described as brooding, often to a ridiculous degree.
Attends steampunk conventions.
He is always a ‘dark elf rogue’ in any tabletop or role play game.
He drinks heavily sweetened black coffee in coffee shops, nips next door to stalk the sci-fi fantasy sections of Waterstones, and never goes into the pub for a pint.
If invited to a BBQ will not bring any food or drink, but sit in a chair, play on his phone all evening then scoff down burgers while declaring he is part wolf and all the meat is a bit ‘too cooked’ (rather than overcooked) for him but ‘will suffice’. Leaves without a thankyou.

The funniest part is he takes himself incredibly seriously and is at heart, a complete snowflake cunt.

Nominated by Cuntamus Prime