A talking shop for the professional, terminally self-obsessed fuckwit, trying to out professional all the other professional and semi-professional terminally self-obsessed fuckwits. It’s like a web based front-end for all the bollock chop wannabes without the stones to apply for ‘The Apprentice’ to gather and tout wares and alleged wisdom via the medium of badly shot, unscripted videos in portrait mode or, regurgitated modern parables about helping a homeless person become a CEO after saving a dog that’s fallen in the drink because it’s owner is a fucking moron. All of these fuckers are trying to become influencers … translate as `bossy know it all cunts who think they know what’s best for everyone else, regardless of individuality, culture, country, field of endeavour, or demographic…generalising, catch-all cunts.
It’s also become a place where lick-spittle sycophants get to rim the collective arse of corporations. Why the fuck would you post a missive on a post by Microsoft or Dell or any corporations auto-generating spam cannon? Do they think Satya Nadella is sitting there so bored to fucking tears he’s scrolling through LinkedIn looking for inspiration or future employees? These self-proclaimed influencers aren’t at their desk spewing out trite nonsense about being loyal to brand, work hard, play hard, don’t fuck your colleagues (and if you do make sure you have a bullet proof NDA, a retained hitman, or secret and unfulfilled fantasies about living in a box under a bridge penniless and stinking, or being bummed sideways in a prison shower). They have a band of professional terminally self-obsessed fuckwits in the media department sitting in a break-out area wanging on about their first world problems, while re-hashing the same old shite they’ve been remorselessly pumping out like a Muslim call to prayer five times a day since, Linkedin plopped out the arse of Facebook like very wet fart that follows a shit, after you pulled your undies up.
It is a desperate, virtue signalling portal for those hoping that some cocksucker with a god complex will eventually smile upon them, gift them wings, a directorship and a twenty six figure salary, all in exchange for their every waking or unwaking hour.
LinkedIn is also the only place on the web where swearing is poo-pooed (unless it’s something worthy being sworn about..like dogs falling in the drink and moronic owners). It’s the only place on the web where telling jokes is just `Soooooo unprofessional’. It’s the only place on the web where being patronising, condescending or belittling in the guise of `debate’ isn’t seen as trolling. It’s also the one place where if you’re a bloke and you are NOT pictured askance to a camera in a shirt and tie, you’re clearly a pleb. BUT, if you’re a half decent looking sort, it’s perfectly OK to push out those titties, trout that pout and do your best office bike impersonation while (and this fucking galls me), expecting to be seen as an ultra- professional, modern woman.
Guess what LinkedIn cunts, there’s more to life than work and your boss is almost guaranteed not to be at your funeral when he’s wrung you out and you turn toes up, leaving the once office slapper who’s gone to seed and a couple of half-witted entitled children in the hands of the tallyman.
Nominated by GGRF
A “You’re fired” cunting for former Apprentice wannabee, Joanna Jarjue. No, me neither. 
