What can you about these bastard things. Doesn’t matter what you do to keep your garden tidy these fuckers will find a way of getting in and turning it into a right old shit-heap (am trying hard not to resort to the Travellers analogy!)

You can try various weed killers, some of which do work for a time. But there is a certain inevitability that these very same weeds will find a way of coming back, this time far more resistant to ordinary domestic weed killers and only industrial-strength one will have any hope of finishing them off.

Weeds can even find their way through cracks between driveway flagstones, steps and slabs if given the opportunity. They have the ability of sprouting in a variety of unlikely places in one’s garden and its sometimes a losing battle trying to keep them at bay.

On the other hand with some flowers and plants you need to carefully look after them, nurture them, place them in a certain part of the garden, feed them the right kind of fertiliser. And if you’re lucky they might just bloom.

But with weeds, they’re like the chavs of the gardening world, always managing to survive with little or no attention. They just appear out of nowhere, messing up and devaluing the place and turning it into a no-go area , like a boatful of dinghy-riders on the Kent coast.

What’s needed is a good flame-thrower and toast the bastards once and for all!

Nominated by: Technocunt

44 thoughts on “Weeds

    • …can a cobbled back-yard with a shit-house at the bottom be considered “beautiful”?….although I’m sure the artisan-made,Country Cream gate stands out as a monument to your good taste…..do you also have garden gnomes and plastic-grass ?

      • Morning Dick,
        Christ no!!

        I despise fake grass, awful stuff.
        And not fond of gnomes either.
        No, in summer I have to hire st John’s ambulance because when visitors enter through the country cream gate and crunch along the slate chipping path under the arch often they can’t get their breathe!
        The scent of lavender and sheer beauty,
        They faint.

        Should make them sign a disclaimer before entering really?

  1. I just let them be and then spray the whole lot off in the back-end….I can’t see much harm in most of them and ,apart from the fact that I’m too idle to go around weeding, prefer the look to those ultra-tidy twee gardens that the incomers seem to enjoy…I even saw one Cunt using an old-style 12 inch ruler while setting his border out with bedding-plants.

    Nah…just let the weeds be ta gannin’ and then commercial-grade Round-up them when it gets too overgrown.

    • My gardens are,of course,vast….Barratt Homes could fit 250 of their houses on the croquet-lawn alone.

  2. The times of property pride seem to have disappeared with weeds sprouting up along the pathways and roads in front of houses.
    I’m pretty much I’m on my own when it comes to plucking a few weeds every year whilst most others just leave them.
    Council job is it? Well good luck with that, because depending on your postcode it’s a lottery. (see what I did there)
    As for their adaptability, they are fucking good though, when I was working we had a tree growing out of a drainpipe some 40′ up.

    • People don’t think or plan a garden properly.

      If I had to start again I’d do it differently.

      I certainly wouldn’t have any ivy!
      It’s worse than weeds,
      Nay on impossible to completely get rid of.

      I’d concentrate on planting more fruit trees more useful than flowerbeds.

    • Got to agree, Infidel.
      I weed and spray my path and the front of the house. The weeds might be poking onto the public path, but they started off on my property.
      Unfortunately the estate where I live is a mixture of private and rented property, and the renters don’t give a fuck. Also, there’s quite a few older people, myself included, who struggle with heavy gardening. I have a young lad comes once a fortnight to do the heavy stuff, but not everyone can afford it.
      Whatever happened to the Bob-a-Job scheme?

      • My neighbour paid for Bob a job and had her car washed by a youngster, great job too.
        She paid him and he walked away carrying his bucket.
        On closer inspection she noticed the far side hadn’t been washed.
        Hey! she shouts, you haven’t washed the other side.
        Kid replies, sorry I’m not allowed on the road.

      • My Sis reckons a kettle of boiling water is all that’s needed.
        Mind you, she’s going senilly.
        I do agree with her slug solution. Buy a cheap spatula from Lidl, and flick the ugly little twats into next doors weed infested garden.

  3. Weeds are like illegal immigrants. Once they land in your backyard, no matter what you do, you can’t get rid of the cunts.

  4. Unless you’ve got an established garden and loads of spare time, it’s a fucking nightmare.
    To relieve the tension, I give stubborn weeds pet names of characters that also refuse to go away.
    For example, there’s an annoying dandelion that grows on my drive called Gary Linekunt, a cluster under my kids trampoline called the Conservative party, James Corden the invasive creeper, and a plethora of others.
    Then periodically, I can shred the fuckers with a strimmer, growling “have that you cunts!”, as the neighbours tell their kids they’d better come indoors.

    • Now you mention the big, fat cunts name, I notice he was very quiet after the death of Her Majesty! I think MI5 should haul his lardy ass in for a good kicking, I mean of course some intense questioning, unless he’s got a cast iron alibi!!

  5. I have a flame thrower and an electric weed killer. Gets rid for about a week. I also have a spike gripper contraption which pulls up dandelions by the root.
    Losing battle.

    • I’ve one of those electric weed killer wand thingies.
      Never used it.
      Should I put it on ebay?

  6. I’m waiting for Vlad to drop a nuke on us, that’ll get rid of the bastards. For a couple of weeks.

  7. Beware of Japanese knotweed, its a bastard. It’ll be like “Camp on Blood Island” all over again.

    • On second thoughts, you’d better bale out. They’ll be coming to get you. There’s no messing about with these Nips.

  8. ‘..What’s needed is a good flame-thrower and toast the bastards once and for all!’

    I’ve got both a Sheen x300 flame gun and one of those generic gas bottle powered flame wand things, they work up to a point but the fscking weeds do come back as the deeper roots remain mostly undamaged. I’ve been told that the electric heatgun-onna-stick things are more effective as the concentrated jet of hot air at 350-650°C they generate penetrates the soil more deeply than the heat/flame output of the flame guns, roasting/killing more of these deep root systems, no idea if this is true as I’ve not been keen on the build quality of any of the ones I’ve looked at yet so haven’t bought one.

    Of course, a proper flamethrower spewing forth napalmy goodness might do a better job (and would be a handy thing to have right now to deal with my jungle of a back garden), unfortunately there exists S5.Firearms Act 1968….and I’ve never been that confident in the functionality of any flashback arrestors on homebrew beasties…

    • Bloody hell, maybe some old fashioned ‘Orange Crush’, I am sure you will have a drum stashed away somewhere 😂

      • I wish…

        Back in the 70’s we used to have quite the stash of ‘interesting’ herbicides and related fun substances, and, as was the mandatory requirement back then when it came to the proper storage of all dangerous substances, they were all kept in various lemonade bottles and jars in the cupboard under the sink.

        Funnily enough though, we did have a quantity of one of the components of ‘Orange Crush’ – 2,4-D. From what I remember, we got it from a neighbour who got it from one of his farming relatives (I think he was also the source of the gallon of lindane we had).

        Incidentally, this neighbour’s standard method of dealing with the really troublesome weeds he couldn’t use this stuff on was the liberal application of concentrated sulphuric acid to the base of the things and the surrounding soil. Of course, this was back in the days when conc. sulphuric acid was readily available, but I’ve heard that people nowadays use glacial acetic acid as a substitute for this task.

      • Hehe, your ‘shed’ must be a real Aladdin’s cave, I hope there isn’t any ‘old’ Picric Acid bottles kicking around 😂

      • Well, it’s a garden shed, with garden shite in it.
        Not a bike shed, somewhere in Worcestershire, waiting for someone to come, whilst shadow boxing to the tune of
        “Eye of a Tiger”
        Or “Eye of a Tigger”, as I prefer.
        Not a muppet, a puppet.

      • And I’m quite serious, Sick.
        I’ve got loads of, shall we say old fashioned, weed killers.
        I’m just wondering if they may still work.
        Or should I call in some kind of disposal squad?

  9. Those Fuzzy-Wuzzy weeds can be a bit of a sod to get rid of. Avoid letting them near too much water, or they’ll be in their little boats soon as look at you.

  10. Although I now spend very little time in the UK, I do enjoy a good snowfall as it makes my garden look like every fucker else’s!

  11. I remember as a kid back in the 60’s The council would send a bloke round to inspect peoples gardens and to make sure they were well kept.
    If you were the sort of cunt that left old mattress’s and tyres in your front garden and was a repeat offender the council would threaten you with eviction unless you tidied up.

    • Can still get the garden police today.
      Just call the Street Wardens number.
      We’ve two cunts on our road, clear up as soon as they are warned, and one twat round the corner, who cuts the overhanging stuff, but leaves the cuttings on the footpath.

  12. Industrial Roundup. Works wonders against Neighbour’s prized Ivy and brambles which try to wrap themselves around my new fence.

    Also eradicates laurels and sapling oaks that are carelessly planted against my fence.


  13. In Fir Vale, Sheffield, there are a lot of weeds plus dog shit, human shit, mattresses, drug needles, piss, litter, gypo’s and dooshka’s. The weeds are the only nice thing in that fucking shit hole.

  14. My dad used to swear by sodium chlorate as a weed killer. Mixed it up himself until the fucking EU banned it. Sodium chlorate was simple and effective. Didn’t harm pets. Kept paths clear for a year.

    Roundup, Weedol and other glyphosphate based weed killers are shite. 2 weeks later the weeds are back.

    • I used to buy this stuff called Verve from B&Q which was reasonably cheap and it did the trick, but my weeds now seem to have become immune to it. I’ll try some bleach if I can be bothered or I’ll just leave it and wait for winter to kill them off.

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