“Video Assistant Referee” is used in Premier League football games, and is used to judge on decisions the pitch officials missed or are uncertain about.

VAR has been around for a number of years in different sports around the world, but has been gradually introduced to the English game over the last year or two, to the point where every Premier League game from this season onward has this technology.

Given that it has been around for almost a decade one would think the experts would have ironed out all the little niggles that makes a complete fucking sham of this “virtual assistant!”

But the fact that it can take 3 or 4 minutes for EACH referral while the pitch referee waits for the VAR operator to go over and over and over the questionable incident via the pitch-side TV cameras, means that a game that kicks off at 8pm on a wet & cold Tuesday evening, may not actually finish until way past 10pm. Which is of no great comfort to away fans who have travelled 300 miles by train only to find the last train back left 10 minutes ago!

VAR is also inconsistent, and is currently proving intensely irritating to players, managers and fans. The sports media is also questioning how absolutely shite VAR is proving to be – not through the technology itself but by the slap-dash interpretation by the numb-nuts making the final decision.

They say faults in new technology will improve over time; but quite frankly although VAR technology is sound in principle, it is the human element that is, and probably always will be the weakest fucking link.

I don’t want to see the 90 minute game turned into a 3 hours fuckfest like American Football and its constant interruptions, ad-breaks and time-outs. By all means keep things like goal-line technology, but VAR needs to fuck off, and just stick to the judgement of the pitch officials, whether they’re right or fucking wrong.

Nominated by Technocunt

GEORGE THE POET (Allegedly)

A gold medal cunting for this cretinous looking arsehole who turned down an honour because of the “evil British Empire”. The little wanker was lucky to be offered one. His doggerel is a firm favourite with Wireless 4, the BBCs bastion of wank. One of those negro sing-songy voices spouting bollocks:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-50523462

He had originally agreed to accept it, (how gracious) but he changed his mind. I always thought that was a woman’s prerogative, bruv.

Nominated by W. C. Boggs

A massive cunting for George Mpanga, aka George the Poet.

This cunt turned down an MBE because of the “pure evil” of the British Empire. Apparently, bringing an end to the stone age, intertribal warfare and Slavery was evil. What has this cunt done since voluntarily coming to this land, apart from poncing off the BBC licence payer? His kind have turned a once great capital city into a gangland bloodbath.

Get to fuck, Mpanga. Cunt.

Nominated by Smug cunt

I hereby nominate Geoffrey Boycott (Minus Sir) for an illustrious and unavoidably
delayed cunting. Delayed, because this obnoxious, arrogant, bigoted Yorkshire tyke’s latest and unwelcome resurface into the public’s consciousness left me with stress induced angina and subsequent hospitalisation.

But now, thanks to wonderful care received courtesy of the British NHS plus my repeat prescription of Propranolol it’s time at last to express-pace a jaffa straight in the physog of a man that I’ve detested from the moment I saw his crooked yap utter a single sentence.

There is little we Brits have to thank the croaky Maybot for, but her unquestionable admiration and inclusion in her honours list for rent a gob ‘I say what I like and I like what I bloody well say’ woman beater and misogynist Boycunt has got me royally stumped and quite frankly makes my piss boil over into my y-fronts.

Now I don’t doubt this mans prowess as a top notch batsman so I’ll leave any forthcoming cuntification as regards his shortcomings on the crease to experts in cricket which I’m not, but not only has this mean spirited shitface been bestowed with the title of ‘Sir’ which unsurprisingly has been denied to him on a previous occasion, but he has the audacity to say he ‘doesn’t give a toss’ about his convictions for domestic violence when challenged about his worthiness for the honour. Well Geoff, after all those West Indian cricketers that you reckon were handed knighthoods like confetti you must be ahm ‘appy as a pig in mook as they say in Yorkshire.

So now you’ve got your medal, bugger off back into retirement and take your microphone with you, hopefully you now will be well and truly boycotted Boycunt. I’m in no doubt that many people including the women you’ve knocked around would rather see you as a pile of ashes rather than hear you commentating on them. Odious CUNT.

Nominated by Family Farter

Time out screens on mobile phones.

I should probably nominate myself for doing this, I am of an age where even with the large text I cant read the bastard, But occasionally I like to see what is what and who is in trouble here, So out with the phone!

screen swipe, silly pattern, select minuscule icon, screen load, select site, select topic, find interesting comment, squint at screen and fucking blank!

Screen times out!, press unresponsive button, swipe screen, do silly pattern, try and find article that has now minimised, expand article start to read, blank screen as it times out, give up.

Phone rings half an hour later repeat stupid process answer phone to discover battery is now at 14% due to apps left open in the background.

I fucking hate these things, ideally I should have a phone that does just that or the makers of phones should knock out a model designed by the early learning centre, big buttons big screen something a bit Dom Jolly for people like me.

Nominated by Lord Benny

Alastair Campbell: liar, cheat all round piece of shit. He deserves a nomination for his antics last night during the debate between Boris and Jeremy, the Jew Hater.

Campbell rebranded his twitter account to ‘Boris Johnson’ and proceeded to tweet a series of misogynistic tweets such as, “I wish this bird would stop asking me to shut up…why isn’t she in the kitchen”? And the always hilarious; “Off for a quick post-debate shag. Hope Carrie’s not back yet”. He then changed it back to it’s original Alastair Campbell and seemingly having forgotten, he tweeted, “I am a liar and a charlatan”. Well, at least he managed some accuracy at the end.

It’s not surprising that someone as childish as Campbell would do something so ridiculously childish as this. But considering he and his chum Blair are responsible for far more than Boris Johnson ever could be, that displays Herculean levels of arrogance.

It’s about time that this lying, devious, pile of elephant shit disappeared down into the deepest, darkest hole on the planet, and stayed there.

Alastair Campbell, you sir, are a cunt.

Nominated by Quick Draw McGraw