As humankind continues to take its first uncertain steps into the new millennium, it confronts the same huge questions which have perplexed it for thousands of years. Is there a God? What is time? Is there one universe or a multiverse, and are we alone in the vast cosmos? Why is there something, rather than nothing?

However the greatest riddle facing us today is unquestionably what has come to be known in scientific circles as ‘The Ant and Dec Problem’, to wit; how is it remotely possible that two gurning turnips with no discernible talent whatsoever can continue to make such huge amounts of money? Interest in this incredibly difficult philosophical conundrum has recently been fuelled by the news that ITV is ‘keen to keep their most prized assets’, amid rumours that the Gruesome Twosome were being wooed by Amazon Prime. ITV is reportedly prepared to offer the Gormless Gobshites an eye-watering £40m, three-year deal to beat off competition.

Now I’m willing to concede that it might be theoretically possible to detect at least some microscopic fragment of talent in Ant and Dec. If it were somehow possible to fire them along the Large Hadron Collider at 99.99999% of the speed of light, the elusive Antandec Talent Boson might finally be persuaded to reveal itself. As Professor Brian Cock puts it, *shit eating grin* ‘with my huge fuck-off LHC, I can show thingies that are very, very, very small… so tiny in fact that they can’t be seen with the naked eye, even with a magnifying glass’. Given however that such an option is beyond the current bounds of technological capability, the reality of the ATB remains purely speculative. To all intents and purposes therefore, for the forseeable future Ant and Dec will continue to trouser eye-watering amounts of wonga in return for demonstrating the thin end of the square root of fuck all in the way of talent.

I’ll allow the great chicklit authoress Jane Austen to have the final word on the subject, as she sums the matter up far more eloquently than I can: ‘it is a truth universally acknowledged that a couple of fuckwits in possession of no ability whatsoever must be in want of some talent’.

So far Ant and Dec themselves have been unavailable for comment, a spokesperson indicating that ‘they’re too busy pissing themselves laughing, all the way to the bank’.

Nominated by Ron Knee

Yes, king of the p***os is back on form.

His New Year’s message was his usual tripe, about all the poor migrants foiled in their attempts to get to safety and prosperity by those dreaded borders. So Popey doesn’t believe in borders? Bet he was glad of the the little border that kept an over enthusiastic fan from grabbing the papal plonker, and had to settle for his bony old arm. Christ’s top man on earth said ‘fuck’, turning the other cheek, and gave the mentalist a slap, feeble though it was. The plain-clothed, meathead security behind him looked ready to whack the whacko, but as Popey was off on a huff, he had to trot to catch up.

Later, he apologised for his violent outburst, then went on to lecture about violence against women being really bad, mentioning rape and murder, as if to put his little altercation into some earthly perspective. Ah bless….

Nominated by Gutstick Japseye

MARVEL STUDIO BOSS, KEVIN FEIGE AND THOR COMIC BOOK CHARACTER, ‘SERA’, THE SPECULATED TRANS CHARACTER. FUCK ME, IS THERE NO ESCAPE FROM THIS SHIT?

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/newsbeat-50970519

Not content with sticking every 80s kids comic strip on the big screen and raping the story, they must now ensure that our wonderful diversity is represented and therefore give us…

The first Transgender Superhero.

I’ve never watched a Marvel film in my life and never intend to, but as if to confirm they are now one of the worlds pre-eminent cuntpanies, they shove this shit on to us.

Fuck off, you tranny loving cuntbadgers.

Nominated by GeneralZod

Christopher Dean, no not the skater, the cunt below: –

‘The psychologist behind the UK’s main deradicalization programme for terror offenders says it can never be certain that attackers have been “cured”.

Christopher Dean told the BBC some terror offenders who take part in his Healthy Identity Intervention (HII) scheme appear to regress because of their uniquely complex identities.’

Well, he seems to be spot on with hindsight doesn’t he? After his shining example, Usman Khan (surely some relation to another cunt Khan) went on a murder spree. I wonder how much we pay this cunt for his HII scheme, which doesn’t work? I’m no psychologist, but for fucking free, I know what does work:-

Throwing away the key.
Tough US style detention.
No access to fucking Saudi funded Imams.
And, when all else has failed, a copper with a gun.

Nominated by Cuntstable Cuntbubble

Could I put post office counter staff in the frame for a cunting, please? They sum up everything that’s wrong with the British worker.

Today a typical example. I get to the post office and there’s a huge queue but five staff working. One of them must have been a UN observer, as she did fuck all but watch.

No worries, that leaves four of them. One promptly buggers off and closes her window, so we are down to three. They serve a customer and have a little chat, then we move on to the next customer who wants to post a parcel. This innocuous parcel requires the three remaining staff and the observer to process. Ten minutes later service resumes, but only two of them could carry on after the trauma of dealing with a parcel and the two remaining had to have a five minute discussion about it. I eventually got served after a long wait.

It gave me plenty of time to watch and think though. Is it the union which encourages these cunts to move at sloth at nap time speeds. Is it really necessary to have a chat with each other every time one of them completes a transaction? It’s not just inefficient, it’s a piss take.

Post office counter staff, they can’t all be retarded. It’s a deliberate war on customers.

P.S. they decommissioned the stamp machine to ensure even if all you want is a stamp you have to endure this painful process, but the cunts left the stamp machine in place to taunt you.

Nominated by Sixdog Vomit