Never thought a person could exist with a more punchable face than Owen Jones, but this cobwebbed old bint goes one further and claims the accolade of most brickable face in Britain.

This smug condescending cunt is the one that with a deviously maternal, smiling calmness, that only the truly evil can carry off, grabbed power from our democratically elected representatives and put it into the hands of unelected, elite, metropolitan judges, shafting the proles and doing her damnedest to prevent the UK leaving the New German Empire.

She’s now complaining about cuts to legal aid to family courts and all I can think is shut the fuck up and fuck off, before you get half a burnt clay in the face!

Nominated by The Return of Rev. Shagga

Little Miss Sparkle…

Once upon a time, not so long ago, in a land far away, lived a young girl called Meghan, who dreamed of becoming a princess and being fabulously rich and famous.

‘Boo hoo’ sobbed little Meghan one day, stamping her little foot. ‘I’ve been on teevee, but I’m not REALLY rich or famous. I want the world, or more. I want fame and fortune, with money, and houses, and jewels, and gowns, and servants and stuff. I want to be LITTLE MISS SPARKLE’. So Meghan hatched a plan, which did indeed lead her to Olde England and marriage to handsome, dashing Prince Harry de Halfwhitt in Windsor Castle, watched by an audience of billions. And there was rejoicing throughout the kingdom.

For a while all went well, but it was destined not to last. ‘Boo hoo’ sobbed Her Royal Highness the Little Miss Countess of Sparkle again one day, stamping her other foot. ‘I’ve got fame and fortune. I’ve got money, and houses, and jewels, and gowns, and servants and stuff. But those horrible Brits actually expect me to perform duties in return, such as shaking hands and cutting ribbons. Everybody hates me. It’s cos ah is black. I don’t even have my own horse drawn gold carriage either like every princess should. Things are going to change; what Meghan wants, Meghan gets. I want to be a “progressive” royal. This means I want to do as little as humanly possible commensurate with keeping my HRH title and the money and stuff. Then I can cash in, and be free to earn zillions fronting up for Disney and Givenchy, do book deals, go on “Oprah” and diss the royals and stuff. I can be Princess of Hearts as well, I know it’.

So broiling slowly in her sense of grievance and entitlement, Little Miss Sparkle headed to the magical island of Vancouver, dragging Prince Harry de Halfwhitt, their son Archie, and their dogs with her. There they sat in luxurious idleness and seclusion for six weeks, while a wise old man called Mr Barack gave them counsel as to how they should proceed. ‘I say to you’ said the wise old man, ‘trademark your socks and your mugs and your jewellery, but tell no one. Then go back to Olde England, drop the bombshell that you’re off, and demand a fabulous financial deal from that old bat the Queen in return for not making more trouble. It’s win-win, you’ll be absolutely minted’.

So the Halfwhitts returned to Olde England, leaving their son and their dogs in Vancouver, and proceeded to give the finger to HM the Queen, the royal family, and the bill-paying public. But the Queen pulled a face as though a truly malodorous guff had just been let off right under her nose, and pronounced that ‘One Is Not Amused’. So leaving poor Prince Harry de Halfwhitt to face the music, Little Miss Sparkle promptly flew back to Vancouver generating a massive carbon footprint, never to be seen in Olde England again.

Next episode; the ‘accident’ in the tunnel.

*with apologies to Roger Hargreaves

Nominated by Ron Knee

A “lets all follow the crowd because we’re sheeple” cunting for those incapable of deciding something for themselves and instead being unable to resist the temptation of seeing a “celeb” and try to copy them,

In this case its royal nipper Archie. Now the lad himself has done nothing wrong, but hes a leeching royal, so fuck him.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-50981194

More in general my point is, why are people so fucking shallow that they MUST copy someone rich and famous “ooh, look at this little bobble hat, I want it!”

Why can’t people just decide for themselves, what is this fucking thing where society has to try and be someone else?

Id rather stick a hot poker up my japs than copy the cuntebrities of today.

Nominated by General Zod

Show some originality you sheeple cunts.

TV Chat Shows

Last night I broke the habit of a lifetime and actually watched some terrestrial TV. But since it was New Year’s Eve and I was with the wife at her parents’ home, I really didn’t have much choice other than to piss off down the local boozer (nice idea but not good for family bonding)

First up was some entertainment show called Jane McDonald’s New Year’s Eve Show, or some such shite. Basically it’s about 40 minutes of her belting out cover versions while also having guest appearances from one-ht wonders and some old git called Tony Chrstie, who has spent his entire life ramping out some bollocks called “Is This the Way to Bognor Regis?” or summat.

And then after these cunts have finished singing she comes on stage and asks them some inane questions, but also the most telling “So what have you got lined up for the new year then?” And they come out with bollocks about their new book, single, album …. just a fucking plug basically, before they’re kicked off the stage for some other cunt to take a turn.

After that it was Graham Norton’s “chat” show. I say “chat” because it was about 45 minutes of the same old shit questions as before, but this time from guests like Tom Hanks, Anthony Joshua, Mel C and 4 other cunts I’ve never heard of. But again it was just another plug-fest for latest films and gigs etc. and the studio audience seemed to lap it up (probably on pain of death if they didn’t laugh!)

Chat shows have always been complete wank, even going back to the 70s and one of the grand-masters of folksy chat in Michael Parkinson. All these guests come on with one thing in mind – to plug their latest shite. And if they’re not plugging their shite they’re taking a pop at Brexit and Gammons and all the usual bullshit we’ve had to tolerate over the last 4 years.

If I had my way if I had a guest on my show that kept on plugging their latest album/film etc I’d press a button so their chair would disappear through the stage floor, dropping the cunt into a tank of sulfuric acid or a school of piranhas!

Nominated by Technocunt

Most people in this world go about their business without deliberately causing trouble and do their best to be respectful of others, their property, and the rules which underpin an orderly society. There are a minority of truly anti-social cunts who spoil things for everybody else and Mr Shakeel is one such cunt. He attacked a Picasso painting at the Tate museum and the thing I’m asking is, what’s the fucking point? You’re just a cunt pure and simple ruining other peoples enjoyment of art, a purely selfish pointless act of destruction upon something rare and refined from the creative efforts of another. It’s because of one cunt with a bomb in his pants we have to have security invading our crotches at an airport, one cunt in a white van that our once welcoming high streets and public spaces have to have crash barriers clogging up the pavements, one chippy cunt who despises culture that other people would simply like to have the right to enjoy that classic paintings will all have to be now kept behind perspex instead of being viewed in it’s natural state. Fuck Massey and every cunt who ruins it for everyone else.

Nominated by The Return of Rev. Shagga