Wardrobe malfunction,

Which cunt coined that phrase? For fucks sake, a wardrobe malfunction is when the door falls off or a handle comes away, or if your rich enough the light in your walk in wardrobe doesn’t come on, not when some young bint singer’s bra shows a nipple or her camel toe is visible,

Jesus wept, another stupid Americanism that blighty seems to have adopted, well you can take your Americanism phrases and fuck off back to Cindy Lou and Chester land, cunts,

Nominated by Sidthesexistsforeskin

Diarrhoea.
It’s not bad having an attack of it when at home.

But I was out walking. It taking me longer than usual to walk home because one of my legs is broken and has a plastic boot on it. I wrote a nomination about being run over.
I can’t run. I’m limping home with pain in my leg whilst my tummy feels as though tied in knots and making gurgling sounds.
It’s taking me forever to get home. The thought of just relaxing and letting it go in my pants enters my mind.
Then I realise I’m wearing white pants with little holes in. The kind that keep me warm in winter and cool in summer. It would be like sieving chocolate milkshake.
As I get closer to home my tummy grumbles and gurgles. I’m trying not to relax my arse but a little fart escapes then several one after the other. Oh god.
As I climb the curbs of pavements my muscles squeeze. More farts.
I finally see home.
I get my key out ready. Once inside I drop my shopping, pull off my coat, making my way to the toilet, undoing the belt of my jeans. Come on come on! I tell myself. Then undoing the buttons, I pull my jeans and pants down, go to sit on the loo. I can’t sit properly because the big boot. I’m tearing at the thick velcro. Please! Please!
I finally get the boot off, wiggle down my jeans and skidded pants and then finally release. Ahh! Such relief.
I go to wipe myself.
Where’s the loo roll? For fork sake!

Nominated by Spoonington

I’d like to nominate ‘Baby on board’ badges – available from London Transport, so that every up the duff bird can announce to the whole world that she’s expecting.

I don’t need to see this badge to know that someone is pregnant, or to prompt me to give up my seat to an obviously pregnant lady. Although maybe I won’t bother, as it might be seen as sexist and demeaning, in which case, fuck off and stand in the crush.

Nominated by Mystic Maven

(Former Bank Employees) Waseem Ahmed and Hodaif Nadeem

These weasels, as bank employees attempted to steal almost £150,000 from bank customers by illegally transferring thousands of pounds from those customers’ accounts into ‘mule’ accounts, for their own gain.

Apparently when asked why they attempted to steal £16,284.75p from one deceased lady, they said it was because “That’s all Jihad”!

Nominated by Cuntry Cunt

Rebecca Wrong-Daily
‘Good afternoon. This is IsAC’s political correspondent Ron Knee, speaking to you from outside the Labour Party headquarters in London. After suffering its worst electoral setback since 1935, the race to elect a new party leader could be said *snarf* to be gathering Momentum *snarf*. I’m joined today by Miz Rebecca Long-Bailey, widely seen by many as the front-runner in the leadership race’.

‘Aye oop, lad. Call meh Rebeccah’.
‘So Rebecca, is it time for Labour to elect its first woman leader?’.
‘Well, Rob. Ah feel that uz just need ah change uv uz image for this day an’ age, sumbody wi’ ah bit uv female get up an’ gaw yer knaw like. As th’ blesséd Meryl of Streep put it,”if yew want summat said, get a blawk; if yew want summat done, get a lass”. Or summat. Like’.

‘I see. Then you’d welcome a challenge from, say, Emily Thornberry or Diane Abbott, as well?’
‘Ha ha ha *whinny* well *ahem* yer knaw, Emily, ah mean, ah luv ‘er an’ that, but honest, she’s SUCH a snob like. Diane? Well, ah luv ‘er ta bits, but t’ dozy twat can’t put two an’ two together, an’ she’s got t’ fashion sense uv ah moose. Ah mean, that HAIR, and them shoes on pollin’ day. Ah mean, them’s borth Dear Comrades an’ Sisters, but ah wuddn’t trust either lard ass to run me bath’.

‘Right. Let’s talk a bit about policies. Labour took a kicking in the recent election, with its core vote widely rejecting its far, some would say loony, left programme. Would your leadership herald a change of direction to try and win back their trust?’.
‘Absoluteleh not Rod. Let me mek this absoluteleh clear. Ah’m t’ continuiteh candidateh. Mah people ‘ave come up wi’ this slawgun; “Corbyn in ah skirt”. Catcheh in’t it?’.
‘So you’ll be Corbyn Mk 2? Have you learned nothing from the election?’
‘Well, it tin’t uz wot needs ta learn from t’ voters Reg. It’s t’ voters wot need ta learn from uz. Dern’t quote me on this, but *whisper* they’re as thick as pigshit. Didn’t knaw wot wuz good fer ’em. But they’ve woken themselves up quick an’ all since t’ election, ah’ll tell ya. They now see Johnson for t’ racist, xenophobic, misogynistic pig that ‘e is, ‘im an’ ‘is capitalist running dog lackeys an’ all’.

‘Put some meat on the policy bone for us then, Rebecca’.
‘Well Ray, let me mek this absoluteleh clear. As ah long time supporter an’ close ally of Jeremeh, it’ll be mah job ta enshrine ‘is legaseh, an’ ta ensure continuiteh uv ‘is vision fut’ future. As Jeremeh said, we wun t’ policy argument, but t’ people didn’t get uz message. But ah’ll stand, an’ let me mek this absoluteleh clear, for nuthin’ less than full blooded sawshellism, red int’ tooth ant’ claw. Uz’ll overthraw t’capitalists in tawtal. Uz’ll re-nationalise everythin’ that moves, an’ make sure nuthin’ ever moves again. We’ll overthraw t’ system; shut down t’ Commons an’ Lawds, and elect ah Politburo. All ministries will be absorbed inta ah single Superministry of Truth, Enlightenment an’ Progress. Uz’ll spend trillions on bribes ta immigrants, ethnics, layabouts, spongers and t’ LGBT communiteh ta keep ’em on board, all ta be paired fer by eye-watering tax rises ont’ top 100% of tax payers int’ countreh’.

‘Oh come on! This is ludicrous pie in the sky. The voters will never stand for such nonsense!’.
‘Come t’ revolution, t’ voters’ll do as they’re bloody well tawld. T’ people’s flag is deepest red…’.

‘Yes thank you. This is Ron Knee, for IsAC,returning you to the studio’.

Nominated by Ron Knee