Author Archives: A Cunt Who Cunts Cunts

Social Media [2]

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Faecesbook… Look at me! Look at ME! A platform for narcissistic beef curtains, just like Insta-attention and Twatter! Invented by the so called creme de la creme Spam intellectuals, as a social network for their Harvard alumni. Devolved beyond recognition now into a platform for attention seeking, semi literate, white trash scratter rats. Once again a noble idea corrupted in practice.

It gets hammered home how insidious such social media networks are, especially when I go out with or have ‘friends’ round my lair. Rather than talk or interact, they sit glossy eyed and glued to their mobile phones, a stalking and a ‘liking’. Cunts. Would love to smash these devices into their mesmerised, vacuous faces (if said devices cost any less than a grand that is).

I shut down my Faecesbook and Insta-wank account recently and actually felt liberated. I read a lot more now and have realised just how much of a distraction it was. The negative backlash from the sheep and my ‘friends’ was laughable because they bleated on in the mistaken belief that I had unfriended and blocked them. Boo fucking hoo! Here’s a tissue for your issue!

Anti social media is the death knell of the real community and society as we know it.

Nominated by See You Next Tuesday

I’d like to nominate twats who enjoy social media for a cunting.
If it’s not sharing what they had for breakfast with the world on facefuckbook, it’s a “selfie” (what retarded crap is that anyway?) on wankchat of themselves grinning aimlessly at work.
I never in my whole life thought I’d get to see grown men in the workplace running around giggling posting pictures of their retarded practical jokes on the internet. Or housewives whiling the hours away on facefuck telling everyone how they do so much but “he” does fuck all.
It’s bad enough that these idiots are not working, but why behave like kids in a funfair? Is ‘having a harmless bit of fun’ a fucking human right now or what? Fucking aimless, tired, lazy cunts if you ask me.
“but there’s some great stuff on here, just look at these breakfast recipes”
Fuck off.
“but there’s hot women”
Mm. Hot women. That’s all right then. Fuck off.
“its the best way to keep in touch with my friends”
Then your friends are cunts. You are a cunt. Fuck off cunts.
This is unbelievable. The entire modern world being obsessed with naive childlike fun whilst being as aimless, uncreative, unproductive and quite frankly, fucking thick as possible.
But it gets worse.
Whole legions of fucktards rewriting science of the basis of group consensus.
Scientists and healthcare professionals are lying. Cancer can be cured. With a coffee enema. A coffee what? Its real. My god, it’s for real.
In a bid to stave off cancer, soshal medjans pour a litre of coffee up their arse and swear it does them the world of good. Actually videoing themselves blowing their bowels out on a coffee high. What the fuck?
Soshal medja has also enabled people to validate themselves by meeting others like them. They fail to realise that other people who like living like a puppy (yes, these are for real too) are also fucking mental, not that they are all just normal folks who like to sleep in a cage.
Social media is a highly contagious neurological disease that gets hold of the weak of mind and reams them forcibly with their own dignity.
Like a parasitic wasp it bores into their skulls replacing their intelligence with slack jawed obsession, leaving the victims as carbon copies of each other.
This lack of intelligence or dignity can be seen every time one of these pathetic pricks take a day off sick and goes ice skating, posting themselves all over facefuck before their shift is even over.
And let’s not forget those feeble cocksuckers who think sending something to ten people you know will make it happen…….
Cunts, the lot of them. Cunts who blatantly need a proper hobby and some self respect. Cunts who should be doing some work. Cunts.

Nominated by Cuntflap

Social media definitely needs an in-depth cunting.

My problem with it is what its turning young cunts into. And before people harp on about “uhhh all old people have a problem with the younger generation uh huh”, this isn’t the same as the traditional youth rebellion that you saw im the 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s etc.

Social media and other internet activities aside are a game changer. These fucking things are, for the first time, prioritising the self over the social for teenage fuckers and upward. Insidious shite like FaecesBook and Instawank are normalising behaviour such as unashamed vanity and whoring for instant validation.

Someone in the Mail – pinch o’ salt on standby of course – made a case for Britain’s falling productivity being due in part to increased smartphone usage and the neverending social media curse.

These bastard sites, like nothing else apart perhaps from the rise of the Peaceful religion, make me genuinely despair an so fucking wistful for the 90s amd earlier.

Nominated by The Empire Cunts Back

David Beckham [5]

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Nomination for fuckwitted thicko David Beckham. Unfortunately just switched channel to BBC1 and old dimbo is on the One (shite) Show sitting amongst a group of school kids. Now I judge, rightly or wrongly, a persons likely Intelligence Quotient by the number and locations of their ‘body art’. This thick cunt has em all up the back of his neck and all over his fucking hands. Sitting there in his sweatshirt he wouldn’t be out of place in a line of Death Row convicts. A more unnatural communicator would be hard to find with his limited and often childish awkward shyness and vocabulary. I think going for a pint with this boring muppet would have anyone reaching for the nearest corkscrew to jam up their rusty sheriffs badge to numb the fucking pain. Another case sadly of Awfully nice but shit thick.

Nominated by Kendo Nag

Thick cunt Beckham has become the face of a Chinese advert for “Cock Grease Pomade”

His image is being used to promote the brand of hair gel – whose slogan is ‘Xxtra hard’ – which is manufactured in Japan.

“Cock Grease” !!! I mean, you couldn’t make it up, could you..?

Nominated by Dioclese

Chimneysweeps

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Chimney sweeps…fucking chimney sweeps.

Now you wouldn’t think that such an innocuous occupation would earn a cunting,would you? Well you’ve never met the pair of shysters that I had to deal with today. Normally I sweep the chimneys myself,but this one is in a room that I hardly ever use and I knew that there had been a crows nest down it since spring,so I thought that I’d better get someone in to do it. I had a chimney fire once….scared the shit out of me.

Anyhow, father and what I took to be his wife,but turned out to be his son,turned up and set to to. Talk about making a fucking meal of it,you’d have thought they were doing a heart transplant,not just sticking a few rods up a chimney. Eventually I asked them what the fuck was taking them so long. They couldn’t string it out any longer and started to put their gear away. I immediately bolted for my workshop and fired up the big Husqi chainsaw,revved it like fuck for a few minutes while numb-nuts stood with his bill in his hand.

Eventually I put the saw down and took his bill off him. Just as I suspected,it was twice his original quote. “We had to put the camera up,that’s an extra 50,and removing and disposing of the nest is extra too” the eternal optimist announced. Told the Cunt to throw the nest on the woodchip heap and that it was hardly my fault if he couldn’t do his job without a fucking camera,the old sweeps always managed.

Between the idling chainsaw,the dogs and being a thoroughly unreasonable Cunt,I managed to negotiate a discount…a discount to what his original basic price had been.

Greedy bastards.

Nominated by Dick Fiddler

Kevin Bacon

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Royston vasey nosed, crypt keeper faced, Worzel Gummidge haired cunt. Shove your mobile phone up your fudge tunnel see what service you get then you gimp, fuck off back to the states, CUNT.

Nominated by Winston Whitedogshit

Christmas Drinkers

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Christmas Drinkers. You know the drinkers that are nowhere to be seen for 10 and a half months of the year then invade their local pubs and behave like they fucking own the place.

I have drawn up a list of rules for my local pub to try and make these supermarket plonk swilling cunts a bit of an idea how to behave in any of our fine drinking establishments.

RULE 1. – KNOW WHAT YOU ARE ORDERING BEFORE GOING TO THE BAR
We understand that you don’t know the entire list of items that a pub stocks, but for your convenience most pubs have little drinks menus on the tables and posters showing special offers. Other than that unless you are in a hipster haven, snowflake ridden gastropub the choices are reasonably simple. Lager, Cider, Bitter and Guinness with a range of standard spirits and mixers.
If the pub serves food which you have to order from the bar make a note of the table number that you are sat at. You only slow down service for other customers while you walk back to your table and find out. Also saying “I am sat over there” does not work in a busy establishment.
Guinness takes longer to serve as it has to settle so ordering it last will only annoy other customers and the bar staff. Same goes for coffee. If you want a fair trade double half caffeinated decaf latte made with soya milk. YOU SHOULD NOT BE IN A PUB!!!
Have your money ready. Don’t order a round of drinks and then start rummaging round in your bag, pockets or anything else. It just slows down service.

RULE 2 – MOVE AWAY FROM THE BAR AFTER BEING SERVED.
Once you have received and paid for your drinks move away from the bar. This allows other people to be served quicker and allows the pub to operate more efficiently.
There is nothing more infuriating than a group of middle class Christmas drinkers stood in a semi-circle blocking half the bar. This makes you a “BAR-SOLE” and just annoys the hell out of the staff and regular customers.
The bar is a fixed installation and will not be moving anywhere until the next major refurbishment, so you don’t need to be there all the time.

RULE 3 – YOU ARE NOT NEXT.
The bar staff do a pretty good job at remembering who arrived at the bar first and try to serve in that order, however mistakes are made.
Banging your change on the bar, Waving a note, clicking your fingers or whistling is not going to earn you any brownie points. If anything, it will put you further down the queue.
If you notice a bloke getting served before you without even apparently ordering a drink this is “Chris” He is in here 5 days a week, 51 weeks a year. (1 week away in Ingoldmells at his mate’s caravan) Chris is the type of customer who keep this place open. He pays the bills. There are lot’s of people like Chris who although at times annoy people, ensure that this business remains operational.
Pretty girls will get served quicker. Nothing we can do about that. It’s just the way of Western society.

RULE 4 – PHONES IN THE PUB
Pubs appreciate that the background music is not to everyone’s taste, but it has been selected by the guys at head office to cater to the majority of people and reflects the time of day and the ambience that the pub is trying to achieve. Playing your latest Spotify playlist through the crappy speakers on your IPhone is just going to wind up the whole pub. If you want to do that stay at home and continue to buy your beer in Tesco.
Walking backwards and forwards in the pub with your phone on hands-free is also likely to cause someone to want to drop your shiny new smart phone into the nearest pint. We get it. You have a phone. It’s not the 1980’s. Everyone has one. Keep your phone conversations private and preferably in the next town.
When at the bar ordering drinks. Put your phone away. The bar staff deserve your full attention and will move onto the next customer if you are chatting or texting away on your phone. Facebook is not going to crash if you are away for 5 minutes.
We do not charge phones behind the bar!!! – This is not a phone shop. If your phone runs out of charge, Tough crap.

RULE 5 – BUYING STAFF DRINKS
Pubs do not have any objections with customers purchasing drinks for staff members. After all it is the season of goodwill, but please remember that they cannot drink them until after their shift is over and that they may choose to save them up until they have a night out.
Do not think though that it will get you served any quicker and that you deserve special treatment just because you have bought a drink for the staff.
Asking the staff if they want a drink will not get you a date. “Would you like a cheeky shot Darlin” or “what time do you get off?” is not romantic. It is creepy. Same goes for passing numbers written on a napkin/beer mat.

RULE 6 – PACE YOURSELF
Christmas drinkers are not equipped to handle a decent session. If you come out from the office at 4.00 pm on your party and start on the shots you will not last the evening. It is a marathon, not a sprint. Mixing drinks does not get you drunk faster either. It is down to the amount of booze in your system vs the amount your body can metabolise.
Throwing up before 9.00 pm is not acceptable and quite frankly embarrassing. Trust us guys it is not a good look.
The pub accepts no responsibility for ruined clothing, unplanned pregnancies, shagging the boss or hangovers from hell.

RULE 7 – CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS
Pubs buy Christmas decorations designed to last for several years not from the local pound shop and therefore it is unacceptable to take down the garlands and tinsel to use for your own personal fun and to accessorise your outfit.
Tinsel does not look good in your little black dress. If anything it makes you look like a slapper. This is not TOWIE or Geordie shore.

RULE 8 – DJ’s AND ENTERTAINMENT
The DJ’s employed here are not your personal jukebox. We hire them to provide a balanced mix of popular music and to enhance the evening for the whole venue.
Do not shove a phone into the DJ’s face shouting play this. It is just rude. If the DJ is taking requests simply ask nicely.
The DJ does not have a jack socket for you to plug in your phone to play a clip from youtube that you find funny. The DJ also does not have access to the internet as the laptop processing power is needed to ensure smooth audio playback.
If you make a request do not expect it to be on next. It is bad form to expect the DJ to change the entire genre of music just because you want to hear “Despacito” Also do not try the old line “Can you play it next because I am leaving” The DJ’s job is to keep you in the venue.
The DJ’s decision is final. If they think the song is inappropriate for the night or time they have the right to tell you to “F**K OFF” Another classic line is “If you play this everyone will dance” The DJ won’t and neither will the bar staff, so that’s your theory blown out of the water.
“Play something good” is not a request.
No, you cannot have a go and unless it is a karaoke, you cannot use the microphone.
The DJ is also not a coat, bag or shopping storage facility. Keep your own shit with you.

Nominated by Lickety Clit