I would like to nominate NPOWER for a massive cunting.

The bunch of utter heinous fucktards have mismanaged my father in law’s gas bill for god knows how long. Trying to speak with some cunt within that wankshitting abortion of an organisation to resolve their administrative fuck-ups is like trying to shit an adult woolly mammoth out of your arsehole.

As I type I have been placed in a make believe telephone ‘queue’ for 50 mins, waiting to speak with one of their scouse/Johnny Foreign/trained Chimp staff.

‘Thanks for your patience, we know you want to speak with us and we will help you as fast as we can’. Utter,insincere ballbaggery.

Cunts make my fucking blood boil!

Nomionated by Paul Maskinback.

Our intrepid reporter Hugh Chattering Islington Cunt hit the road to investigate the national crisis at KFC.

The shortage of the nation’s favourite finger lickin’ has left vast swathes of Britain in despair.

In the township of Tottenham the natives are restless. Large queues have formed at rival outlets. Dallas and Texas Fried chicken have recorded record sales of their finest halal poultry.

In south London, in Peckam and Brixton, the youth are wandering the streets aimlessly searching for their food of choice. Some  children are being treated for starvation at branches of McDonald’s and Burger King. Even there, supplies of chicken nuggets are in short supply and may have to be injected intravenously to those in most critical need.

Fried chicken addicts have been swamping A & E departments, suffering from withdrawal symptoms. The NHS has cancelled all non-urgent hospital appointments.

The Disaster Emergencies Commitee have launched an appeal, spearheaded by Oxfam and Save the Children. Four Hercules transport planes have been dispatched to Atlanta, Georgia where they will be loaded with fresh supplies of the Colonel’s finest from the south eastern US.

Waitrose reports sales of organic, free range chicken, have skyrocketed as the middle classes dust down their Jamie Oliver cookbooks to prepare home made nuggets for their youngsters.

Reaction from politicians has been swift.

David Lammy blasted the government for not doing enough for his Tottenham constituents. In nearby  Harringay, Dining About told me “This is a disgrace. Black people are suffering and the government stands by and does nothing”

Jeremy Corbyn has blamed the private sector for cost cutting. ” A Labour government would consider nationalisation as an option” he opined.

Police forces up and down the land are monitoring the situation. Cressida Dick of the Metropolitan Police reassured the public ” We will maintain law and order, riot police are on standby and all police leave has been cancelled”

Mavis May will be chairing a COBRA meeting at 11am today.

We will bring you updates as this developing crisis unfolds.

By Hugh Chattering Islington-Cunt.