My god if those ads had been around when I was a boy I may well have stayed a cherry boy or gone over to the other side and trod the Cadbury Road.

60 reasons why your snatch drips, stinks, itches and drys up and women have the neck to say blokes are unhygenic the cunts as yet I’ve not seen an ad for 60 reasons why your danglers stink drip etc.

The vag is a dangerous place to go for fucks sake it takes the colour out of a gusset imagine the damage to your tongue.

Nominated by Civvydog

Ahead of tonight’s gala, Hugh is in LA getting the low down on what to expect.

Hollywood is abuzz with excitement. This year should prove to be spectacular.  The ladies and their attire are the cause of much speculation and the talk of the town. Will the gowns be a splash of vivid colour or the more sombre black?  Plunging necklines and thighs visible or the more puritan Pilgrim look?

The #metoo World Tour is coming back home to its roots. No hypocrisy or contradictions here in Tinseltown. Just good old down to earth people, with a social conscience doing their bit for the better of mankind. I am among so many like minded souls. It feels like being home in Islington among the intellegencia, creatives, media gurus and acting legends.

This year at the awards the Academy has decided to honour the profession by creating several new categories:

Best performing female actor for a leg over

Best performing female actor in achieving a leg up in the business

Most virtuous female actor  (this category has so many worthy nominees)

Most powerful female vocals  in the #metoo campaign.

A special ‘junior’ category has been created to recognise those who are mentoring aspiring young Actors.This category is strictly for those who enjoy working with the under 18’s.  The Academy felt that since Hollywood has so many working in this field, it was time to recognise their contributions. The nominees in this category are very modest and tend to shy away from publicity.

Best Producer with a hands-on approach to talent spotting starlets

Best Producer in a mentoring exchange programme                                      Developing talents, physical acting and career enhancement.

Best Actor with a keen gaydar for mentoring boys

Most comfortable casting couch in the props and scenery category.

Deepest female actor’s throat in the sound category.

Best female actor’s facial close-up shot in the cinematography category.

Best low budget video and stills published in the small studio category. Open to amateur and professional filmmakers.

And lastly:

Best film of all time with an all black cast.

The 90th annual Academy Awards certainly promises to be an exciting ceremony like no other before. It will be a long festive night here in Hollywood.

By Hugh Chattering Islington-Cunt.

I’m sure I’m not alone in this, I have ground my teeth down to fuckin stumps watching the endless procession of insulting PC adverts!! There are far too many to list so I will go on 3 that make me want to punch a hole thru my TV screen…….

1…. the Cadbury muzzie shop owner exchanging a bar of Britain’s favourite chocolate for some battered little girls toys!!, such is this Cunts generosity he even hands back her favourite one!! ??

2…. can’t think of the brand but the obviously Muslim family with their dog!! Seriously?? That’s utter bollocks ???

3….. the British army advert with the man taking off his helmet ( muzzie) and praying during manoeuvres!! ???

I’ve got an idea for these advertising Cunts , maybe they could do an advert for best of British pork, have a Muslim family all sitting around the dinner table troughing on pork whilst their dog sits licking his balls at the dinner table!!

Nominated by Quislings

Last week I organised a large beech tree dismantle and removal for a couple who have recently bought a house in the local area. It was a complicated job involving experienced climbers and a fair bit of machinery. It went well,as it should considering the price that the householders had agreed to pay.

Originally they had said that they wanted to keep the wood for firewood,but when they saw the sheer amount decided that they didn’t have room for it all and asked me if I could arrange for some of the larger bits of the stem to be led away. It was too gnarly for firewood so I rang a neighbour of mine and asked him if he would bring his Manitou loader and trailer down and take it back to my place where I was just going to dump in some quiet corner.

I told the householders that my neighbour wanted £150 to come down,load it and take it back to mine. They went fucking light accusing my neighbour of “trying to rip them off because they could afford to buy the house. Did all of us local-yokels think that they were made of money just because they’d moved from down south where he’d been a senior buyer for a large multi-national retailer?” etc.

I took great delight in explaining to them that my neighbour actually owns two farms and several cottages in the surrounding village and could undoubtedly buy and sell a “senior buyer for a large multi-national retailer” a dozen times over without bothering to go to the bank. That silenced them, I added the £150 to their bill and then told my neighbour not to bother going to remove the wood for a couple of months,that should get the Cunts frothing.

Nominated by Dick Fiddler