I was walking through Canterbury with my lady today, enjoying the day out after a phenomenal 80 oz beef burger, when suddenly I heard a distant male voice shouting on the high street “DOWN WITH CAPITALISM…WE MUST END CAPITALISM TO SAVE THE PLANET!!!”

As I looked ahead it was a couple of those street canvassers who had set up a table to waffle on about impending doom etc. Leaflets on the table, I thought, oh look ere. Usually, it’s a crackpot Christian. But, this time it’s a couple of brainwashed useful idiot twats trying to push Socialism on us by pretending it’s the only way to save the planet. Middle-aged couple by the looks of them. My lady said, “They look like some of those weirdos from the Labour Party Conference video you showed me the other day”. I complimented her observation.

I said to my gf, “I better leave it, eh? I better not get involved”. She said “ok”. It’s unusual for me to engage morons because I feel sorry for them, in a way, and I wanted the nice day out to continue unabated.

But, as we walked past them, I heard it one more time “END CAPITALISM!!!”. So, unable to resist the urge, I took the bait. I turned and politely, I said: “Well actually, I quite like Capitalism”. I turned back in the direction I was walking. I was gonna leave it there. Then the man replied, “But, Capitalism is evil”. I paused, turned around.

I was in.

I said calmly, “Crony Capitalism is the problem. But, what are you going to replace Capitalism with? Socialism? Socialism is a catastrophe. When you’ve come up with a better plan then we can talk”. I half-turned again. But, now it was the woman’s turn to try me. “Give me an example of where Socialism is a catastrophe”. I took a deep breath. I was ready…

Then, as if on perfect cue, a middle-aged gentleman with an Eastern European accent walked past the scene and said “Try USSR. You fucking nutters”. It was so perfect. A man who had likely seen and lived the disastrous consequences of Communism casually giving this cretin a history lesson

Slightly laughing at the perfection I just witnessed, I continued “Yeah, the USSR. But, let’s try Venezuela”

She goes, “That’s not real Socialism”

I mean, this is almost an internet cliche of how a Socialism vs Capitalism debate goes. Capitalists say Socialism doesn’t work. Socialist moves goalposts by saying it’s never been tried properly. My lady is pulling at my arm at this point. But, I’m calm. Though slightly adrenalised with excitement.

I simply said, “Venezuela is the definition of Socialism”

She said, “But that’s not true. Real Socialism comes after revolution”

Realising this woman is an avowed, ideologically brainwashed Socialist, I said “Okay then. Tell me an example of true Socialism in the world”.

She paused, looked up in the air as the hamster in her brain desperately peddled for an answer. Silence. Continued silence, and one more slack-jawed search around that empty skull of hers. Nothing. So, I continued.

“Right, you can’t think of one, because apparently it’s never been tried. So, how do you know Socialism is the answer if it’s never been successfully implemented?…Exactly, see you later”. I turned and walked off. I could’ve stuck around but I’ve learned to keep things short and sweet and besides, when you argue with idiots, from a distance you both look the same, as they say.

I mean, these thick fuckers are roundly trounced by the simplest of logic. And by thick fuckers I mean Socialists. I’ve never seen one win a full debate. I understand hate for corporate monopolies. I hate price-fixing, inside trading, cronyism, and exploitation of Amazon employees as much as the next man, for example. But, tell me you really think Capitalism should be torn down and I will show you a world where Climate Change (if you believe in the man-made theory) is never solved or fixed. Worse still, a world where all of medical science was never invented if you believe Capitalism should never have occurred. The only thing that will get us out of it is the same thing that got us here: innovation, industry, and pioneering, free-market Capitalism.

Anyway, please feel free, if you’re in the Canterbury area, to go and have some fun by owning these retards in a mini-debate. Like shooting fish in a barrel, with a bazooka.

Nominated by: Cunty McCunterson