Paralympic Rules

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The rules of the Paralympic Summer Games.

There are a number of little-known rules that are very rarely known by paralympic athletes:

*In the finale of the men’s 100m, the lane on which a competitor runs legally becomes the territory of his nation.

*In the Javelin, the use of actual javelins is not required. For example, during the 1974 Games, a Canadian paralympic athlete with no arms used a bow and arrow.

*It is legal and encouraged to use leg or arm attached spring pogo blades.

*Any disabled baby born inside the main stadium during the course of the Games gains diplomatic immunity.

*In case of a death during an event, the late paralympic athlete’s nation gets double points.

*If, during a contest (such as weight-lifting) a competitor dislocates a major joint, “no attempt shall be made to mask or in any way hinder the audience’s viewing of the injury”.

*Anyone under 16 is allowed to take part in the Paralympic Games if he/she is Russian.

*The UK is not allowed to win the overall medals tally, as nothing but complete failure will please the rest of the world. (This rule was abolished in 2012 for the London Paralympics).

*The Paralympic Sports can only be televised on the BBC if the British are good at it.

Nominated by: Entopy

Jenny Eclair (2)

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I walked out of a Jenny Eclair gig some years ago. (Wife bought the tickets) Lasted 35 minutes. Fuck knows how I stood it for that long.

Same old wimmins humour. Tampons, menstrual cycles, husband can’t piss in straight line, men leaving the toilet seat up…Nothing, but nothing new. Bet she does the same material now, 15 years later. She’s an unfunny, slack-skinned hag… Like an Iceland chicken when all the pumped in fatty water has been drained off. Very funny to look at, not even mildly amusing to listen to.

Fucking cunt.

Nominated by: Fleaboy

Mo Farrah [2]

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Speaking of Cunts sponging from Africa, I re-nominate the lying cunt Mo Farrah. As well as every cunt that allowed the apparant missed drugs test to conveniently allow him to win double gold for team GB.

Every cunt involved in this should be exposed, only for the fact we had to put up with with him on every single TV show, News Story and any paid event he could extort ever since.

This cunt belongs in the Lance Armstrong and Sepp Blatter Hall of Fame.

(alledgedly, of course!)

Nominated by: King Cunt

Warm weather decriers

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People who moan about the warm weather are cunts…. All I have seen on the telly and in the papers is whinging about 30 degree heat and the ‘chaos’ it causes… What a load of knackers..

I remember 1976 and it was fucking fantastic… There was no moaning then and it was much hotter… In those days people just got on with it… Now there’s soft bastards all over the place… Just goes to show how mardy Britain has become… But when it goes back to shitty weather we usually get in Blighty these same cunts will complain that we don’t get enough warm weather…

And remember: in this hot weather, never leave a dog in a car… Unless it is Katie Price….

Nominated by: Norman

The Ministry of Defence

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In honour of Cpl Stewart McLaughlin, and the 1,000 Para’s who marched in London yesterday, I’m nominating the Ministry of Defence, and the Government, for an intergalactic cunting.

For those who don’t know, Cpl McLaughlin was an NCO with B Company 3 Para. He was killed in the Battle of Mount Longdon, during the Falklands war, but not before carrying out several acts of spectacular bravery whilst leading several assaults on the Argentine position, one of which involved him shouting the immortal line, “follow me lads, I’m bulletproof”. His actions provided a much needed morale boost to the men in his company, and they pressed on with their attack. Unfortunately, he was killed later in the battle by artillery fire whilst being helped to an aid station, having been seriously wounded in a mortar attack.

The mortar inflicted wound that Cpl McLaughlin suffered, was received whilst taking part in an attack on Argentine position, that was lead by Sgt Ian McKay of 3 Para. During the attack, Sgt McKay and a private were killed. Sgt McKay was later awarded a posthumous VC.

After the battle, his CO wrote a citation, but due to the fact there was only one typewriter available, and a time imposed for typing up citations, Cpl McLaughlin’s was never typed out and therefore not accepted. In September of 2013, General Sir Hew Pike, who was the commander of 3 Para in the Falklands wrote a new citation that placed Cpl McLaughlin’s actions “firmly in the vicinity of a VC”. That’s right, his actions on that night were so instrumental to his Company that they were considered worthy of our nation’s highest award for valour.

The MOD and the Government, however, disagree. For 33 years successive pen pushing arseholes have continuously refused to even consider ending this injustice, and awarding the medal he not only deserves, but has more than earned. A recent ‘investigation’ has allegedly found that there was no evidence that a citation was even written. The problem is, a number of men who served and fought with Cpl McLaughlin, and witnessed his actions that nigh, have said that nobody from the Army or the MOD has ever spoken to them. That includes his former CO. Basically, the MOD carried out a bullshit investigation that only ever intended to justify their decision to refuse an award, because they didn’t want to admit that they were wrong.

On the 3rd of July 2015, around 1,000 Paras, their families, and supporters marched through London to Downing St, where Cpl McLaughlin’s son delivered a petition to Cameron. I have no doubt that the second Cpl McLaughlin’s son was out the door, posh twat threw the petition in the shredder. He’s spent the past five years destroying our military, why would he give a single fuck about a far better man than Cameron could dream of being, who died whilst serving his country? Likewise, those fat fuckers at the top of the MOD. All THEY care about is themselves. Their main preoccupation is ensuring that they have as big a pension as possible, whilst working out how much expenses money they can get away with fiddling.

None of them have ever done anything remotely deserving of an award, yet the MOD is filled with Sirs, Dames, OBE’s, MBE’s and CBE’s. Not one of those fuckers is fit to lick dog shit from the soles of Cpl McLaughlin’s boots. Yet they have the audacity to refuse to recognise a man who DOES deserve an award. They are cowards. They are scum. They and their ilk are the reason that this country has turned into a shithole. Because they’re the cunts who made it a shithole.

Nominated by: Quick Draw McGraw