Never far from the news, but catapulted to the top spot all day because evil overlord Trump has taken out, via drone strike, an Iranian militia cunt. Apparently this cunt is a right murdering cunt, and has the deaths of thousands on his hands, from the four corners of the sandpit, and further afield. Most of the US politicians are happy the cunt got smoked, but they are not happy Trump did it. I’m sure if Barry, or Hilary had done it, there would be tea and medals all round, but orange man bad, regardless. Don’t act, you’re weak, act, and you’re a cunt.

Is the world a safer place now General Qassem Soleimani has been killed? No, because there is an endless supply of sun baked maniacs to take his place, and even though they hate each other fervently, they always seem to get the band back together when there is any Western intervention. They may despise the cunt you take out, he may have killed two thirds of their family, but he’s their cunt, so buckle up, it’s Gee-Had time.

Now with the smoke from the burning US flags rivalling the Australian bush fires, tension is high, and that means, a trip to Greggs on the high street just got a lot more dangerous, as the many sympathisers in the West will take it upon themselves to avenge a cunt they never knew, would probably despise themselves, and might have ended up murdered by them. Also, the silly cunt chasing you down the road armed with Poundland cutlery, and a vest made of empty red bull cans is from Birmingham, and the furthest east he’s been is Peterborough. All because he believed in the same silly fantasy sky dad. Cradle of civilisation? My sweaty arse.

Oh, and worst of all, it’s a great excuse to put the price of fuel up, the cunts.

Nominated by Gutstick Japseye

A first class, bloody typical of the lying cheating sand dwellers, cunting for Iran and its stinking Islamic regime.

This bunch of absolute bastards must have known from the minute the passenger aircraft hit the ground in a ball of flame that it was their fucking missile that had killed all the passengers and crew. For days they kept quiet. Why? It was a mistake so just apologise, take it on the chin and say they will do everything to ensure it never happens again. It’s the fucking culture, they cannot be wrong, they cannot do anything wrong, they are perfect, trustworthy, good people.

All this shows they cannot be trusted. For all of Trump’s faults he was right to say the Iran nuclear deal was shite and he was right to wipe out the warmongering general.

Fuck off Iran, not because you shot the plane down, but because you wouldn’t admit it until you had no choice, you sand dwelling CUNTS!

Nominated by Sick of it

As humankind continues to take its first uncertain steps into the new millennium, it confronts the same huge questions which have perplexed it for thousands of years. Is there a God? What is time? Is there one universe or a multiverse, and are we alone in the vast cosmos? Why is there something, rather than nothing?

However the greatest riddle facing us today is unquestionably what has come to be known in scientific circles as ‘The Ant and Dec Problem’, to wit; how is it remotely possible that two gurning turnips with no discernible talent whatsoever can continue to make such huge amounts of money? Interest in this incredibly difficult philosophical conundrum has recently been fuelled by the news that ITV is ‘keen to keep their most prized assets’, amid rumours that the Gruesome Twosome were being wooed by Amazon Prime. ITV is reportedly prepared to offer the Gormless Gobshites an eye-watering £40m, three-year deal to beat off competition.

Now I’m willing to concede that it might be theoretically possible to detect at least some microscopic fragment of talent in Ant and Dec. If it were somehow possible to fire them along the Large Hadron Collider at 99.99999% of the speed of light, the elusive Antandec Talent Boson might finally be persuaded to reveal itself. As Professor Brian Cock puts it, *shit eating grin* ‘with my huge fuck-off LHC, I can show thingies that are very, very, very small… so tiny in fact that they can’t be seen with the naked eye, even with a magnifying glass’. Given however that such an option is beyond the current bounds of technological capability, the reality of the ATB remains purely speculative. To all intents and purposes therefore, for the forseeable future Ant and Dec will continue to trouser eye-watering amounts of wonga in return for demonstrating the thin end of the square root of fuck all in the way of talent.

I’ll allow the great chicklit authoress Jane Austen to have the final word on the subject, as she sums the matter up far more eloquently than I can: ‘it is a truth universally acknowledged that a couple of fuckwits in possession of no ability whatsoever must be in want of some talent’.

So far Ant and Dec themselves have been unavailable for comment, a spokesperson indicating that ‘they’re too busy pissing themselves laughing, all the way to the bank’.

Nominated by Ron Knee

Yes, king of the p***os is back on form.

His New Year’s message was his usual tripe, about all the poor migrants foiled in their attempts to get to safety and prosperity by those dreaded borders. So Popey doesn’t believe in borders? Bet he was glad of the the little border that kept an over enthusiastic fan from grabbing the papal plonker, and had to settle for his bony old arm. Christ’s top man on earth said ‘fuck’, turning the other cheek, and gave the mentalist a slap, feeble though it was. The plain-clothed, meathead security behind him looked ready to whack the whacko, but as Popey was off on a huff, he had to trot to catch up.

Later, he apologised for his violent outburst, then went on to lecture about violence against women being really bad, mentioning rape and murder, as if to put his little altercation into some earthly perspective. Ah bless….

Nominated by Gutstick Japseye

A short and quick “shove your Superheroes up your arse” cunting, for those virtue signalling wankers at Marvel:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/newsbeat-50970519

Not content with sticking every 80s kids comic strip on the big screen and raping the story, they must now ensure that our wonderful diversity is represented and therefore give us…

The first Transgender Superhero.

I’ve never watched a Marvel film in my life and never intend to, but as if to confirm they are now one of the worlds pre-eminent cuntpanies, they shove this shit on to us.

Fuck off, you tranny loving cuntbadgers.

Nominated by GeneralZod