Foremen and Women
An extra special cunting is due for the wife. Not only her, but all the other cunts over the years who act like they think I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing – in this case Decorating the Front Room. Shades of harry Enfield’s character who was an EXPERT in every fucking thing.
While perched perilously up a ladder trying to reach some corner of a very high ceiling, and this corner in between fucking false beams, she says ‘er, you know you’ve missed a bit?’. You think ‘for fucks sake go and do one’, but being a good boy, only reply ‘yes, I know, I’m trying to get to it’.
Or, because you are doing a very high ceiling, with false beams on it, paint ocassionally drips to a floor – which IS covered with all sorts of sheets. ‘You do know you’re dripping paint?’ she says. (Of course I fucking do you stupid bint – can’t you see I’m covered in the Magmolia Vinyl? – well, that’s what I want to say!) I do say, ‘really my sweet, I’ll try to make sure it gets cleaned up’.
Then there is the black paint around doors and stuff. Having done EVERY fucking door, window frame, patio door, bookshelves, she’ll venture in and say ‘Couldn’t we have another colour?’
When this has happened at least a dozen times AND your efforts have all been mentioned to friends and family and presumably total strangers as well on Whats-Up, Face-Ache or some other cunting app, you might suggest; ‘tell you what love-of-my-life, why don’t you make a list of things that you’ve noticed and I’ll attend to them (when I’ve finished performing trapeze acts!) when I’ve finished doing this – let’s call it a snagging list’. (I really wanted to say a fucking ‘nagging’ list!) She says, ‘Oh its OK, it isn’t important, I’m sure you’ll remember!’.
Thank fuck this is THE last time I’m doing this! Father Time is catching up inexorably, and I’m afraid if I do this for much longer I’ll end up killing myself by toppling off something – knowing my luck, it won’t be from 8ft up a wobbly ladder either, it’ll probably be a foot-stool, attending to one of those fucking SNAGS!

Nominated by Mickey C

Bette Middler is a cunt, isn’t she.

After Trump tweeted, “Fake news is the enemy of the people.” Middler, who promised she’d leave America if Trump was elected, replied, “Shut the fuck up. YOU are the enemy of the people. The news didn’t kill 153,000 people. YOU did.”

Is the botox sleeping into the ghastly old prune’s brain or is she not getting enough ‘Wind Beneath her chicken Wings’? This loudmouth orangutan thinks the deaths are caused not by a virus, but by Trump himself. Alas, Professor Muddler failed to further explain why there are deaths outside of America.

I have a vague memory of having to sit through a film starring Butt Middler on the promise of a girlfriend’s blowjob in the early 90s. Both film and subsequent noshing were horribly disappointing, the slurping certainly not worth sitting though a woeful melodrama starring this hysterical, ginger hippo.

Nominated by: Captain Magnanimous

(Coming to a town near you – if the Apologists have their way – Admin)

Now, this a difficult nomination, as it’s not one particular person, but I think all these Bleeding Heart Migrant Apologisers are Cunts, for their non-stop whining about how awful the death of a 16 yr old migrant is who apparently drowned in the Channel.

Now I don’t wish people dead ( with a few obvious exceptions ) and appreciate this is a waste of a young life & unknown potential – but – let’s look at a few facts here. . . . . .

1. ” It’s the UK’s racist & un-necessary harsh anti-immigration policy that caused this young boys death ” … er No !
a. We didn’t ask him to try to paddle to the UK
b. If he wanted to come to the UK, there are legal & legitimate ways to apply to migrate to the UK
c. At the age of 16, he was legally an adult
d. If you try to cross a treacherous & unpredictable channel of sea, 21 miles wide in a rubber dinghy, it’s not surprising that it doesn’t end well.

2. ” This tragic young boy’s death just highlights how cruel and absurd the UK governments draconian immigration policy is, and should be abandoned before more innocent lives are lost ”
a. Immigration policy is hardly absurd, when designed to limit the financial, institutional & administrative burdon that un-limited number of low or unskilled migrants & their sizeable families would have upon tax payer funded services like Health, Police, Housing, Employment.
b. There is a massive shortfall in affordable housing, over-crowded & under-funded schools, over-stretched Police & a Health service struggling – what effect do you think unlimited Immigration will have ?
c. As we know very little about this ‘boy’ or any migrant crossing the channel, we have no idea how ‘innocent’ he was. He could have been a Choirboy or a Murderer. Are the lives of people already living here any less ‘innocent’ or worthwhile ?
d. Allowing un-limited, un-controlled immigration during a Global health Pandemic is a monumentally Stupid idea.

3. ” These poor people are fleeing war torn countries for their lives. By denying them entry, the UK government are putting families, women & childrens lives at risk ”
a. We never said ‘come here, everyone’s welcome’
b. They aren’t crossing the Channel from Syria or Iran or Afghanistan – they are crossing from France. Are their lives at risk in France ?
c. Aren’t they ‘safe’ in Greece, Italy, Germany, Spain, France or any other European country they have passed through ? or is it because those countries won’t givem housing, healthcare, education & money for free ?
d. See ‘b’ and ‘d’ from point ‘2’
e. Are you a fucking Moron ?

Cunts . . . Cunts who make my blood boil.

Nominated by: Lord of the Rings

As the wife would say, it’s a sair fecht. I’ve put my back out good and proper, and it’s a bastard misery and no mistake.

I’ve seized up tighter than a rusty lock, my lower back reduced to a throbbing mass of inflammation and pain. Sitting or lying, there’s no position that offers any real or lasting relief. Manage to drag myself upright, and I can only mince about like Elton John’s houseboy with a bad case of the Chalfonts.

To add insult to injury, I’ve got to admit that this situation has only come about due to my own inclination to excess; to wit, over-exuberance where the wife’s charms are concerned. Ironically she blames herself, and is now waiting on me hand and foot. It’s a small consolation, I suppose.

The quack says that I might be like this for another twelve to fourteen days, and has prescribed strong painkillers. I can only sit and lie this one out with whatever patience I can muster, but I’m not a good patient. What a cunt.

Er, any chance of a cup of tea, dear?

(What you want is a naked Flabbott & Swanson giving you a body-sandwich massage – Admin)

Nominated by: Ron Knee

Citizen Kane
Down the years, Orson Welles’ 1941 drama “Citizen Kane” has consistently been voted “the greatest film of all time” in polls conducted on the subject. In particular, film-makers, critics and academics deem it “numero uno”. I believe they feel obliged to do so, in order to demonstrate an appreciation of “film as art” on their part which exceeds the capacity of your regular cinema-going punter. It’s a “masterpiece”, they gush; “hugely influential blah…”.
Personally I’ve always considered this saga about the rise of a newspaper tycoon (supposedly based on W.R. Hearst) to be the most overrated film of all time. Okay, I’ll grant that there’s some technical flair and innovation on display, and I’ve honestly tried to appreciate it if I couldn’t enjoy it, but I’ve never been able to watch it through at one go. It simply leaves me cold, and utterly uninvolved emotionally. For the most part, it’s an exercise in nut-numbing tediousness. So it’s right at the top of my “most overrated” list, propped up by the likes of “2001”, “Gone With The Wind” (wonderful Max Steiner score notwithstanding), “Top Gun”, the gruesome “Titanic”, the ludicrously pretentious “Black Swan”, and anything to do with bastard “Star Wars”.
Anyway, a couple of days ago my little treasure was raking through a box of old VHS cassettes. “Oh look”, she says, “here’s ‘Citizen Kane’. I’ve always meant to watch it. We could do that after tea”. “No way Pedro” says I, “it’s a couple of hours I’ll never get back”. “Oh don’t be a grumpie old meanie” says she, “I’ll make a big pot of tea and open a packet of McVitie’s dark chocolate digestives I’ve been hiding from you. Then afterwards *knowing little smile* we could…”.
Well of course she had me at “then afterwards”. No to be honest, she had me at “McVitie’s dark chocolate digestives”, but I think you get the point. So we sat down and watched (or in my case, endured) it, and of course it wasn’t too long before the fidgeting began. By the time that the enigmatic “Rosebud” came to be uttered, it was very clear that she was bored stupid, but bless her little cotton socks, she was never going to admit it.
Nevertheless I’m extremely pleased to record that my patience and fortitude were duly rewarded in full measure by my little minx, and I slept very well that night. Good things do indeed come to those who wait…

…and “Citizen Kane” remains the most overrated film of all time; unless of course, YOU know differently.

Nominated by Ron Knee

Personally Ron I would give that award to the Godfather trilogy – tried to watch it (well, the first two at least) multiple times only to be bored shitless by its tediously slow pace on each occasion.