Of Wives and Cats

Oh dear. What a pity. How sad. It is with great regret (not!) that I report to the IsAC community the sad demise of our moggie Gerald (or Fatfuck, as I referred to the twat when not within earshot of the wife).

For the life of me, I can’t see what attractions cats hold for we humans. Imagine a scruffy tabby lump with a chewed ear and a dodgy looking boss eye. For the last fifteen years, this cunt has loafed about the house as though he owned it, spending 90% of his time snoring, scratching, shitting in my flowerbeds or sniffing his pencil sharpener-like ring piece. (Sure you’re not talking about Fat Reg or some Dinghy Rider? – DA)

The rest of the time’s been spent eating me out of house and home while regarding me with profound contempt, not to mention running up a huge slate at the vet’s of late.

As far as I’m concerned it’s a case of fucking good riddance. Unfortunately, and inexplicably, the wife thinks that the sun shone out of his tea towel holder, and has been in pieces for the last three days.

All I hear is ‘look, there’s his little blanket’, or ‘he’d be *sob* having his tea now’. As an act of self-comfort and consolation, her thoughts have already turned to lining up the lardarse’s replacement, much to my extreme chagrin. ‘We could get another little tabby’, she pines. ‘What could we call him, do you think?’.

‘For fuck’s sake’, says I. ‘the fat bugger’s not cold in the skip yet, and you want to get another one in. Let’s get a goldfish in a bowl while we’re at it, so it’ll have something to watch and entertain itself with’.

Of course by now, regulars on here will know that I’m a hopeless case where my little minx is concerned; she can quite effortlessly wrap me around her little finger. ‘You… you heartless brute’, she whimpers, her luscious lower lip quivering as she sends a fat tear rolling down her cheek.

Basically it’s a hopeless cause. I’m licked before I start; I know it, she knows it. ‘Oh go on then’, I hear myself saying, ‘of course we can get a kitten’, and my reward is to see her face light up. ‘You’re nothing but a big softie really’ says she, and hugs me tightly.

So now she’s happily spending her time looking for a successor to the late (and as far as I’m concerned) unlamented Gerald.

Women. Couldn’t live without my little minx.

Pity I couldn’t say the same about cats.

Nominated by: Ron Knee 

Raj Patel, a food writer and ‘activist’ is a cunt.

He claims that apple pie is racist after claiming that it has colonial roots. He wrote this shite in an article about ‘food injustice’ in the Guardian, naturally.
Apparently, apple pie was born of American colonialism and slave labour etc…
The story is here :
Apple Pie is Racist

Nothing more to say, except, get a life you sad twat.

Nominated by: mystic maven

Nigeria has made the decision to ban Twitter, the quoted reason from President Muhammadu Buhari was “The government said its decision, announced on Twitter on June 4, was due to the “persistent use of the platform for activities that are capable of undermining Nigeria’s corporate existence.”

The ban came a few days after Twitter deleted tweets by President Muhammadu Buhari for violating the platform’s policies.

Twitter did not help its case after the social media site deleted a tweet by President Muhammadu Buhari that threatened secessionist groups in the southeast who had been responsible for attacks on government offices.

Twitter played a very active part in spreading propaganda, disinformation and deliberately rigging the US Election (allegedly – DA) and have been trying the same thing in other Countries – and I am VERY glad that the Nigerian Government have taken this action – more need to follow this example.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-57408179

Nominated by: Vernon Fox

Awarded for “services to racial equality” apparently. What did he do? End slavery? Get black people the vote? Have just seen the prick on the news talking about how he wants to educate people – fuck off you moron! This guy gets paid £300k a week ( A FUCKING WEEK!) to kick a bag of air about, no-one needs to be educated by an overpaid semi-literate halfwit trying to play at being oppressed.

These awards just get more and more ridiculous. Also, if he’s so woke what’s he doing accepting a title such as “Member of the British Empire”? Is that not kowtowing to colonialism? If they’re going to insist on giving cunts like Sterling and Rashford awards then I’m all for cancelling them!

If either of those cunts was awarded a knighthood, would they kneel in front of the Queen? Or do they just kneel for drugged-up criminals?

Nominated by: Seanie

Lazy Uppity Cunt Made MBE

A cunting for fuck monkeys with topnots, man buns you know what I mean,

I was on road test earlier, its a mile and a half, I saw 7 yes fucking 7 cockwombles sporting man buns, the finale was some stupid ginger prick with a man bun, shaved sides sunburned in a matching red convertible BMW, it made the old Miami vice or pikey mullet look good.

Then of course there is the Jesus type with a top not, usually skin and bone, so vegan, or the minging dirty fucker that looks like sheep dip wouldn’t be strong enough to get this cunt clean and smelling acceptable.

Don’t these cunts have mirrors, are they vaguely aware how fucking stupid they look, doesn’t anyone tell them, I don’t believe they don’t know, they take enough selfies I’m sure.

Cunts with manbuns, bring back serious bullying for these prats, they deserve it with Christmas’s lights on…..

Nominated by: Fuglyucker