Unexplained Emails

I’m certainly not adding a pic of Lisa Riley to this nomination.

I have recently been getting 2-3 messages every day from “Lisa Riley”…I’m assuming it’s the Fat Sow out of Emmerdale ( Mrs. Boggs will doubtless know who I mean)…telling me about the benefits of some fat-busting pills that she swears by….what I don’t understand is why tell me about them.

I’m not fat and have never in my life looked up weight-loss programmes…and even if I was some lard-arsed gut-bucket, I doubt that Lisa ” Land-Whale” Riley could convince me that she has the answer to my porkiness.

I can understand the e-mails from advertisers telling me about the 15 horny housewives who are itching to fuck me and live within a 2 mile radius of my house ( although I only know of Old Widow Charlton and at her age,mid 80s, I rather suspect her days of horniness are behind her)..my ” browsing” of Pornhub in order to be outraged would explain these e-mails.

I can understand the e-mails from Crown Prince Chetewayo Umbongo asking me to help him transfer billions of dollars out of SootyLand…my reputation as a vast Landowner and Man of Substance attracts that type.

I can understand the e-mails inviting me to buy Bitcoins…my reputation as a vast Landowner,Man of Substance and complete Fuckwit make such approaches inevitable….but I really can’t understand why Lisa Riley would consider me a Bloater ripe for plucking.

PS…Vanessa Feltz is a fat Cunt.

Nominated by – Dick Foxchaser-Fiddler

28 thoughts on “Unexplained Emails

  1. Unless, by accident of course, you happened to search for BBW anal sluts. It’s happened to me before. And Vanessa Feltz is indeed a revolting, minging fat cunt.

    • The words “talent, Feltz and Vanessa” don’t go together. Maybe you mean she’s the in the top 10 fattest bbc “stars”.

  2. I keep getting them from someone mistaking me for a person called `Sooty`; but that`s OK, because I`m actually a chimney sweep.
    I also concur that Vanessa Feltz is indeed an oblate spheroid.

  3. I get a lot of e-mails from ‘Tesco’ advising me I’ve been hand picked to receive “blah, blah,etc”.
    Very official looking with the company logo & what not… and then the lazy fuckers give the game away, because even a guillible twat like me knows ‘Tescos’ e-mail address isn’t xZ8e5Y?gQ37Ks7b@nigereanshithole.com

  4. Mmm, Im betting your search history would ring the alarm bells of the top brass in the constabulary and heads of psychiatric departments across the North, Dick.
    I hazard theres some truly depraved shite on there,
    As the hounds whine in terror and you with your britches round your ankles gurn in a lustful leer .
    Your a disgrace..
    The only email Lisa Riley (upstanding chubby of the community and acting talent)
    Has sent you is a ‘cease and desist’ warning.
    Stop slandering fine actresses!!

  5. “I’m assuming it’s the Fat Sow out of Emmerdale ( Mrs. Boggs will doubtless know who I mean)”

    Dick – the spouse has told me that LIza Riley is “Mandy Dingle” who recently lost her partner, a gambling addict, in a tragic accident on their wedding day, In the serial I suppose, not in real life. She even showed me a photo – plainly she is not taking her own tablets – she does seem morbidly obese. I’ll call her “Chivers” – it must be jelly ‘cos jam don’t shake like that,

  6. Are you sure these emails were not meant for Fanny, Dick? I know you have mentioned before how “she is as wide as she is tall” so a few slimming pills endorsed by a B-list porker might not be enough before she debutantes before the eligible bachelors of Northumbrian high society.

    • LL@ – Lady Fiddler has stopped responding to my emails after I inadvertently stated I wanted to get my hands on her “ample Estates” as opposed to her “ample assets” (The plan was rumbled!) – my invite to the Northumbrian Ladies cage fighting championship was immediately cancelled and a “Sir Fiddler” made some disconcerting threats with regard to “shoving that BMX up your arse if I ever catch you round here again”! 😱
      At this rate I’ll have to start spending my own money!
      Hovering over the email address shows who it has really come from – if it doesn’t end with dot.com or .co.uk or has mysterious symbols etc inserted in the body of a legitimate email address be very suspicious – any doubts just block and delete.

      • A great shame Vern, the Foxchaser-Fiddler-Fox dynasty would have made Game of Thrones look like a Lib Dem manifesto launch.

  7. Some years ago and this is true, the credits were scrolling on Haemorrhoid Farm as 2 girls went into a bedroom shutting the door.
    Apparently the first lesbian story was about to start and the TV guy said “They’ll be a lot of tongue wagging in Emmerdale tonight.”

    • 😁 Excellent. Of course for the average viewer of Emmerdale that would have gone right over their heads…..so no harm done.

  8. @DF. Don’t underestimate Old Widow Charlton.
    A former customer of mine, now dead, was in an old folks home. Even though she was well into her nineties, she still had base urges.
    One evening, whilst being visited by her eighty odd year old ‘ gentleman friend ‘ she came over all amorous, she asked him if he wanted a stroke, nodding in the affirmative, he flopped out his member and she got to work.
    All was going well, until a female member of staff walked in unannounced, the old dear let go of the aged todger, whilst simultaneously letting out a scream. The member of staff mistakenly thought that the old chap was a flashing prowler and shouted for a colleague.
    The rozzers were called and it took quite a while to get things sorted. When it became clear that the monkey business was consensual, normality was resumed.
    It was the old boy who told me the tale, laughing like Fuck, as was I.
    Beware the Charlton !
    Evening, Dick.

      • Apparently she’d been a right raver in her day. Never married, but loved married men.
        Evening Komodo.

  9. The typical e-mails of this ilk and their true nature are as follows:

    Prince Umboto Gorge lets you know you have won the Chukkamungageria Lottery. Mills and Boons on the scrounge and on the scam.

    ‘Neighbour’ Milfs want to meet up and share their saucy photos. Said ‘neighbour’ doesn’t exist, of course. Wouldn’t mind a few saucy pics of one or two of my real neighbours, mind…😉

    Iron Curtain Dooshka ‘Slav’ tarts want to get married. Use some Russian pornstar’s pic as bait, it’s another migrant scam, obviously.

    Our miracle tips will cure any illness or give you a massive knob, just give us one payment to get the ‘secret’. Pay ridiculous amount for pointless book or crappy pills that are only legal in Korea or Chinkland.

    There will be more though…

  10. Bin men and Doctors receptionists? Yeah… Them cunts. The deepest circle of hell is reserved for both of these fucks.😒

  11. Another e-mail that often pops up is one from a bunch of cunts called Find My Past.
    This lot apparently help you trace your family tree.

    I wouldn’t have the slightest interest in that crap. I think most of my living relatives are cunts. So, I don’t want to know about the fucking dead ones.

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