Chinese tourists

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Chinese tourists are total cunts.

Over the last month or two I have been working in the west end and have been exposed to these irritating short arse twats.

I never really noticed them until a couple of run ins involving queues and queuing etiquette.

The first encounter came when I was topping up my Oyster card at the underground station. For those unfamiliar with the system, you put your card on the machine reader, decide how much you want to top up with, stick your bank card in, key the code and then put the Oyster card on the reader again and its job done.

On this occasion this is not the way it went down at all.

I rock up to the machine, put my card on the reader, select £20 worth of top up and go to stick my bank card in the slot.
No sooner than my back is turned from the main screen, some little slanty eyed fuckwit slips in behind me and starts pressing the buttons, cancelling my purchase, seemingly oblivious to the concept of other peoples personal space and bank card security.

I turn and face the cunt and start the process again, this time with a look of grim determination. Just as I am about to stick in my bank card the twat does the same thing again. Now I am getting pissed off, I body barge the rice bowl out of my personal space a couple of steps backwards, slap the Oyster card on the reader, select £20, turn to put my bank card in the slot and there is a mini chink fucking about with the buttons on the card payment machine. A swift shove with my hip sees it off out of the way and I complete my purchase……..totally forgetting to get a receipt. Thats me £20 down on my expenses. Cunts!!!

The second run in came in the Barbour shop on Regent street.
I only went in to get the wife a birthday present and nearly started a full scale riot.

Having found what I wanted in the shop, I went looking for a sales girl to get it in the right size, problem is an entire coach load of chinks had already cornered her and were busily buying up pretty much everything in the shop, while sending her back and forth to check on what colours were left in the store room via a translator.

On her way into the store room I asked if she had the wife’s present in a size 10. Two minutes later she emerges with the right size and I make my way to the till to pay.
Till staff fold the garment stick it in a bag and ring up the price. Just as I go to stick my credit card in the machine, some fucking rice bowl shoves my bag out of the way, dumps about 20 items on the counter and gets between me and the card machine.
This time it isn’t a gentle body check to back the cunt off, it’s a full scale shove which sends the ignorant cunt 6 feet backwards into the rest of his party. Much howling and gnashing of teeth follows from the chink contingent as I have just shoved their grand poobah accross the floor. Furthermore, it looks like he wants a row.
Luckily for the little cunt, the security guard steps in front of me as I was about to swing for it.
I am invited to pay for the wife’s present and then kindly leave the premises….or do we have to call the police?

If you want to come to my country, please observe our love of queuing, our cherished personal space and my particular abilty to go from 0 to raging fucking psycho in about two seconds flat.

You will live longer that way you ignorant chinky fuckface cunts!

Nominated by: Odin’s Balls

The chinks are infamous around the world for their lack of respect and manners. One of my American cousins experienced something similar to your Barbour experience, although we were in Harrods at the time. That one ended with the Chink being punched in the face. No decent person walks up to a counter, when they can clearly see that someone is already being served, and demands to be served first. I’m surprised my cousin wasn’t arrested to be honest, but the Harrods staff were surprisingly sympathetic.

If the arrogant, dog eating cunts can’t behave in a civilised manner, they should fucking well stay in China. Russian tourists aren’t much better. They seem to think they’re superior to everyone else. Anyone noticed how Russian men seem to be the ugliest fuckers on the face of the Earth?

Nominated by: Quick Draw McGraw

Celebrity Fragrances

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Did you get some for Christmas?

After all, ‘Is the season to senselessly spend loads of cash on cunts you can’t stand, so all these lemming-like mongs go out and buy celebrity fragrances….

Basically cheap and nasty bog water perfume that thick cunts pay well over the odds for, because it has some greedy want more money celebrity cunt’s name and ugly mug on it… They all do it: Beckham (both of the cunts!), Ladyboy Ga Ga, Katy Perry, Britney Spears (I thought she was dead!), Beyonce and probably that Kardashian slag too…

Even that fat obnoxious warthog, Jade Goody had a perfume (Christ knows what it smelled like!)….

Anyone who buys a celebrity perfume is a cunt, and any bloke who ever uses Beckham or One Direction aftershave is a poofter….

Nominated: Norman

Christmas stockings

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Yes tonight’s the night when that old cunt Santa comes down the chimney to fill the kiddies’ stockings!

I mean, what’s the fucking point of that. It’s the 21st century! Where’s the fucking chimney and how does he avoid fucking up the solar panels with his fucking reindeer? And those Christmas stockings; how are you supposed to get little Johnny’s new bike and X-box into one of those fuckers. They’re too bloody small for anything half decent.

Fuck Christmas stockings. Just tell Santa to leave the fucking sack.

And I ate the old cunt’s mince pies so he’s right put of luck!

Yes, Christmas stocking are useless cunts. Get real!!!

Nominated by: Santa Cunts

The McDonald’s Christmas Ad

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Speaking of Christmas adverts, that fucking McDonalds advert. Jesus Christ! What a family of irritating cunts.

“Dad, why are you so grumpy?!” squeals one of little shits in the back of the car. If that was me I would pull the car over, grip the wheel tighter than my Mrs’ arsehole and calmly explain ” I’m grumpy because I’ve created the worst domestic unit known to man. You shits and your mother are such a disappointment to me that I’ve been spending most of my evenings indulging in smack and having sex with the local street walkers. I hate every fiber of your beings”.

I would then systematically shoot each one of them in the face. Leaving that fucking little fuck pig-boy till last so I could see the despair that the child locks had put onto his chubby shitty face, then delicately kiss him on the forehead and whisper in his ear “Like Wizard do you, you camp cunt?”, then put the twats brains over the back window.

Well, that would be what I would do anyway. Merry Christmas.

Nominated by: Cunt O’MaCunto