It’s a lovely September day today. The sun is shining, the weather is warm but not hot, perfect for sitting out in the back garden with a drink and a couple of newspapers. But you know what, it isn’t a perfect day, because of one minor thing, and that is wasps. The little cunts are everywhere – wasps buzzing around my bins, wasps buzzing around the windows, wasps buzzing around the washing, everywhere there’s fucking wasps.

Wasps – what do they actually do? Apart from sting people and scare skittish folk they seem to serve no purpose or function whatsoever. “Oh, that’s not fair!” says some twat in a beard, “wasps kill all the garden pests and play an important role in our ecosystem! We should love wasps!” he squawks from inside his beekeeper suit, repellent in hand. “Well, twat in a beard, my garden consists of a couple of lawns and a few dead shrubs, so what use are wasps to me?”, I reply, to be greeted by silence and vague mutterings and curses.

So wasps are basically the delinquent hoodies of the insect world, doing sod all apart from hanging around where they’re not wanted and making people feel nervous – they even have bearded idiots of a left-leaning persuasion sticking up for them, just like your common chav.

So there’s no escaping the little cunts, and until the real cold weather comes along they’ll be there, getting on my wick and costing me a fortune in Raid.

Little cunts.

Nominated by: Colin Murray’s Brain

Was in me local hostelry (The Woolpack name origins unknown as this has never been sheep country) t’other night where the buxom barmaid slipped me me change. Sensation orf a used condom in me palm. Assured Yours Truly this sticky sweaty note was new and legal tender. Usual badinage orf “Where you been keeping your change now love. Up your fanny. In your cash drawers?” ect ect. Then one orf the old perverts at the bar who usually drinks at The Poofpack (no mystery there) took his teeth oit and starting sucking it. Simple country ways.

Larst time anything so slimy, boneless and mollusc like crorsed me palm like that it was a sincere handclasp from a Tory minister – Cecil Parkinson, Michael Howard and most recently the perspiring lardy pinkies orf David Cameron. I shudder at the recollection. Time was when our currency said all that was needed aboit the nation. In me day we had lovely large white fivers which said “I am two weeks wages to you, cunt. You’ll never own me.” Large heavy coppers with the heads orf the Monarch minted to last. A pocket full might have Victoria with a bun (the bun penny), old cow Vicky, Edwards, Georges, Elizabeth. Proper British currency pre EU. Her/His Brittanic Majesty orn the notes. Currency orf The Realm. Our pride and the envy orf johnnie foreigner.

We have just fucked orf oit orf the EU shower so why chose now to introduce notes that look like half price vouchers for Euro Disney?

Nominated by: Sir Limply Stoke

Was going to cunt the new plastic fivers meself, but realised that it’s not the notes that need cunting but the cunts who collect the cunts!

Seems that if you’ve got one of the first notes starting with AA01 serial numbers and have a few with consecutive numbers, some daft cunts will pay loads of dosh for them! Fuck me with a broomstick! Some daft bugger paid £460 on eBay last week for three £5 notes.

Nearly as fucking stupid as £800 for an iPhone7 or £300 for an Apple iWatch. Nearly.

But not quite.

Fucking hell – some silly bastard will vote for Jeremy Corbyn next! Oh, fuck! They did!

Clearly I’m missing something…

Nominated by: Dioclese

A cunting is required for the “viesgrad four” – basically the cunts from the Czech Republic, Hugary, Poland and Slovakia – who want to veto any right of the Brexit deal for people’s rights to work in the UK.

Well I say fuck off you cunts, the U.K. is not some haven you can use as some scheme to shift your unemployment numbers over to the UK. Create jobs in your own countries and stop relying on us to provide jobs, housing, schooling and social infrastructure to compensate for your inability to do provide these. We the UK have been a soft touch up to now for accepting your citizens and providing jobs, housing, schooling etc, Post Brexit it stops.

FOR FUCKS SAKE TREESA MAY INVOKE ARTICLE 50 NOW AND RID US OF THESE PARASITES. THE UK SHOULD NOT BE A FUCKING SAFETY NET FOR ALL OF THE PROBLEMS OF THE EU.

Nominated by: Lord Swinging Balls

I see the Krauts have moved on from the V1 and V2.

Now they’ve got the fucking V4…

Nominated by: Dioclese

Time to give the West Midlands Police force a cunting of epic proportions or is it more correct to use a collective term of a cuntery for all the fuckers there that are considering to allow the full Burka in order to increase their BME percentage. For fucks sake anything that’s running around in a full Burka is not going to be allowed out to work by it’s owner..

Nominated by: Dianne Abbott

West Midlands Police are due a weapons grade, nuclear bomb of a cunting. In a sign of how far up the arse of Islam the police have crawled, it’s been revealed today that West Mids Police are actually considering allowing female muslim officer to wear the burqa. Can you imagine the sight of a fucking blacked out tent, with a blue light stuck on its head, and utility belt, trying to arrest a drunk at 0430 on a Saturday morning?

Who the fuck at that police ‘service’ decided it would be a good idea to even suggest such a ridiculous thing? The police are already experiencing the lowest level of public trust and confidence since Sir Robert Peel first founded the police force. Now some overpaid tosser wants officers to have even LESS respect, by allowing a minority of its officers to dress like walking bin bags, when it isn’t even a religious requirement.

I’ve said more than once in the past that I can’t stand muslims. It comes from having been to many of their cuntries (no, that’s not a spelling mistake), and experiencing true muslim culture. Not to mention the bullets, bombs, mortars and fucking camel spiders. Anyway, I for one would NOT even consider obeying a thing dressed like a soot covered Pac Man ghost. I would not recognise the authority of such a ridiculously dressed moron.

And here’s another thing, the police are required by law to show their warrant cards and ID on request. What happens if a male member of the public does that? How do you confirm the identity of a thing that is wearing a garment specifically designed to hide the wearer’s identity? Will the soot covered Pac Man ghost refuse to show its ID? And will it remove its veil so that the face on the ID card can be matched to the face under the bag?

Personally, I can’t see it happening. But the fact that it’s even being considered shows that, senior police officers certainly, have completely lost the plot. There are tons of decent, honest plods out there. It’s time they started to up to their upper echelons and FORCING them to return to doing the job they are paid to do. Protect law abiding citzens, prevent crime where possible, bring criminals to justice when necessary. Those at the top of West Mids police have far more important things to do than think about allowing a very small minority to wear bedsheets rather than the proper police uniform.

Nominated by: Quick Draw McGraw

Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe is a giant cunt for saying it is not if but when there is a islamic terror attack in UK. It is on a par with the french prime minister saying the french must get used to terror attacks. What a load of defeatist bollocks. The idea that we cannot do anything about it and when it does happen we must just accept it as part of life, shrug and move on is wrong and if that is how Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe thinks he should resign immediately and go become an imam instead.

We know who is making the attacks and we know why. It is muslims and it is islam. Not radical islam, just islam. 60% of British muslims would not report a suspected terrorist, 100% think homosexuality is wrong and should be punished and 20% think suicide bombings are justified, This is not a looney radical fringe, it is mainstream islam.

And then the daft cunt unveils a string of anti terrorist measures ( A.T. as those in the know say. FFS! ) including stopping and search vans driven by white British with armed officer support, a super duper motorbike mounted armed officer fast response unit dressed in very gay looking Joe 90 “tactical” gear and a bunch of plod wasting fuel bombing up and down the Thames in an inflatable boat. All based in London, all extremely visible and all completely fucking pointless. I don’t care how much Call of Duty they have played, they are going to look a set of cunts when the next religion of peace nutter sets fire to an OAP home in Northallerton.

In other news, MPs are warning that they may not be able to re-settle the 20,000 rag head rape-ugees we plan to import in the next 4 years. Will this make them re-think the whole virtue signaling project? Will it fuck!

We will all just have to get used to being the victims of terrorism and the sight of gay-boy robocop wannabes riding round on motorbikes. It’s like fighting cancer with an aspirin.

Nominated by: Skidmark Eggfart