Plastic Fivers


Was in me local hostelry (The Woolpack name origins unknown as this has never been sheep country) t’other night where the buxom barmaid slipped me me change. Sensation orf a used condom in me palm. Assured Yours Truly this sticky sweaty note was new and legal tender. Usual badinage orf “Where you been keeping your change now love. Up your fanny. In your cash drawers?” ect ect. Then one orf the old perverts at the bar who usually drinks at The Poofpack (no mystery there) took his teeth oit and starting sucking it. Simple country ways.

Larst time anything so slimy, boneless and mollusc like crorsed me palm like that it was a sincere handclasp from a Tory minister – Cecil Parkinson, Michael Howard and most recently the perspiring lardy pinkies orf David Cameron. I shudder at the recollection. Time was when our currency said all that was needed aboit the nation. In me day we had lovely large white fivers which said “I am two weeks wages to you, cunt. You’ll never own me.” Large heavy coppers with the heads orf the Monarch minted to last. A pocket full might have Victoria with a bun (the bun penny), old cow Vicky, Edwards, Georges, Elizabeth. Proper British currency pre EU. Her/His Brittanic Majesty orn the notes. Currency orf The Realm. Our pride and the envy orf johnnie foreigner.

We have just fucked orf oit orf the EU shower so why chose now to introduce notes that look like half price vouchers for Euro Disney?

Nominated by: Sir Limply Stoke

Was going to cunt the new plastic fivers meself, but realised that it’s not the notes that need cunting but the cunts who collect the cunts!

Seems that if you’ve got one of the first notes starting with AA01 serial numbers and have a few with consecutive numbers, some daft cunts will pay loads of dosh for them! Fuck me with a broomstick! Some daft bugger paid £460 on eBay last week for three £5 notes.

Nearly as fucking stupid as £800 for an iPhone7 or £300 for an Apple iWatch. Nearly.

But not quite.

Fucking hell – some silly bastard will vote for Jeremy Corbyn next! Oh, fuck! They did!

Clearly I’m missing something…

Nominated by: Dioclese

32 thoughts on “Plastic Fivers

  1. Any sort of cash is preferable to the cashless society they desire. No cash and they have 99% of the population by the Goolies. You piss them off and your ability to buy and sell is over.

  2. Steven Seagal is a monumental cunt, but his dick must be fucking TINY because I can’t think of any other credible reason why he feels the need to dye his beard and dress up like this in order to visit post-Soviet leaders:

    • Sheriff Steven Segal,the last i heard of the cunt he had his own show following him and his local police force chasing down “bad guys”. He may or may not be a hard cunt , but you would piss yourself laughing if this fat cunt with a dyed comb over ,ponytail combo ever tried to arrest you…….. a comb over, ponytail combo offs…..

  3. I feel your pain so as a special unrepeatable offer, I will take any of these disgusting things off your hands for £3 each. No, don’t start sobbing with gratitude, I can’t handle tears. Just collect them as you go , send them to me and I will give a 2% discount for a hundred.
    Dirty tenners ,crumpled twenties and vile pretentious fifties also bought for rock bottom prices. Euros by arrangement telephone deals only whilst they last..

  4. I see they have made a remake of the magnificent 7. Why? What is wrong with the original? That of course was a remake of the sublime 7 Samuri, but was relevant because it was in English and transfered the action to the old west. Has the new remake made any such changes? Erm, no.

    Hollywood should stick to making bread, the beardy scouse money grabbing cunt!

  5. How about a cunting (perhaps again) for the fucking shit fest that is X Factor. Full of wannabe cunts warbling on in a totally tuneless pretend yank way and all in front of a high trousered cunt, an Oirish poof, a brain dead ex girl band singer and a red haired drug bitch.
    The audience seem to get excited by absolutely anything that comes on stage. A napalm attack is too good for the whole fucking bunch of them.
    It’s on my box now with Mrs J watching it. Think I will shoot her later. Couple of swift shots to the head should do the trick.

  6. My wife is also watching the monumental cuntfest that is the X Factor. I think I’m going to kick the telly in any second now.

  7. yeh it goes on for fucking weeks and whats the end result? another fuckin singer, aint we got enuff already for fucks sake. and simon cowell? he has the smug look of someone who knows he’s presiding over a shit fest but just doesnt give a toss ‘cos he’s fuckin rakin it in !

  8. I would like to cunt the Italia Conti (cunty) Stage School for churning out luvvie cunts. I remember Michael Parkinson slobbering over an actor type who had attended the said school and the look of reverence and awe he gave was bordering on orgasmic ecstasy. The alumni of the said school include: Leslie Ash (trout pout disaster), Russell Brand (most recently showing off Smashy and Nicey style), Kelly Brook (of baps and bum fame), Naomi Campbell (enough said), Noel Coward, Sadie Frost, Patsy Kensit, Bonnie Langford, Pixie Lott, Martine Mccutcheon, Anthony Newley, Leslie Phillips (dead pool nominee), Anton Rodgers (dead), Lena Zavaroni (dead), Louise Redknapp, Nadia Sawalha, Claire Sweeney, Richard Todd, David Van Day, Charles Hawtey and many other bit part soap actors. William Hartnell the original Dr Who was there, whether a cunt or not is for others to decide, but doubtless there are a few cunts in there to be going on with. Oh and Michael Parkinson’s a cunt too for trying to flog me a piss poor life insurance plan.

    • Billy Cuntelly is missing from that list as Parkinson continually slobbered over him every week when he was on the show.
      Cuntelly didn’t go to the Cunty School but was still covered in Parkinson’s saliva.

      • I fucking loathe Billy Connelly. He’s not funny.Him and Parky have been round each others bums so many times that Cuntelly has now got Parkinson’s Disease. Poetic.

    • Parkinson is a cunt and was a particular cunt on his chat show.
      Almost everyone on it was only there because they had just written a book or were starring in a new film play or tv thing and that oleaginous cunt would always say how they had always been his favourite star,writer,actress, fighter or sportsman.
      Sickening arse crawling wanker grade one.

  9. A fair list of cunts, Alan,but I’d shag my way through the whole fucking lot of them ,including the dead ones,if it meant that I got to back-scuttle Martine McCutcheon while she licked out Kelly Brook….. I might let Leslie Philips shout “Ding Dong” as I blew my load.

    • Fuck me Dick – that’s an exclamation by the way not a request – the picture you have conjured up is a stunner.

      • Are you sure? I might be able to squeeze you in between Charles Hawtree an Lena Zavaroni? I’ll be doing them early before the decomposition makes them too gassy. Nothing more offputting than someone breaking wind while you’re rooting them. Height of bad manners.

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