Not being on benefits i can’t afford a 65″ smart tv.

Instead I make do with an old 40″ set on which I happily watch old shows from the 70s mostly.

The thing that pisses me off is REVISIONIST TV EDITING which in mho deserves a cunting.

When I’m watching an episode of The Sweeney for example I don’t want some of the best and funniest bits removed. For example when Regan refers to “aussie hoofs” (poofs) or when Carter sarcastically pretends to be “glad I’m gay”. All references to slags or sluts are taken out in fact anything demeaning to gays or women. This is the 70s for fecks sakes!!! Leave it how it was made. Nobody under 30 will be watching anyway they lack the nous to follow a real plot unlike the infantile Killing Eve.

Nominated by Lord Helpuss

Madonna
Just when I think that it’s impossible for that old skank Madonna to make herself look an even bigger cunt than she already has, she surprises us once more. Deja vu all over again.
I could wax lyrical on her capacity for self-obsessed pretentiousness, but her words on her latest ‘noir’ style Instagram ‘Quarantine Diaries’ save me the trouble. Here are some extracts for your delectation;

” I think it’s quite significant that the paper I’m typing on just caught fire”. (Wtf?).
” I am so confused in my own confusion, so bewildered in my incapacity to express my disappointment… because I know the futility of it, and yet I want the satisfaction of being known, of being understood”.
“I took a test and found that I had antibodies. I’m going for a long drive in the car, and breathe in the Covid-19 air. I hope the sun is shining”.

Blows out the candle next to the typewriter, and gets hot wax on her hand…

For fuck’s sake, how is possible to shove your head so far up your own arse without disappearing altogether into a parallel universe?. Just add this guff to her preening ‘candles in the bath’ effort and it’s undeniably clear. Madonna is a preposterous poseur of monumental cuntitude, who possesses the single saving grace of giving us all a horse laugh in trying times.

Nominated by Ron Knee

Care Homes

Yes this Coronavirus has got me thinking about them.
We had a fight within the family about putting my mother into one. She died at home but she would go to a care home for periods of ‘respite’ care. That was the compromise.
No matter how professional the staff are, how accessible the conveniences, how comfortable the rooms there is that ‘institutional’ feel about them. When I would visit I would always find her sat depressed. I’m not saying she was much happier at home (she had many medical issues) but at least she could be gloomy at home.
We chuck our elderly into ‘Homes’ don’t we? Let’s be honest, we want rid. I mean rid of them in our homes. They have internalised this and ‘don’t want to be a burden’ and ‘it would be better all round’ if they go along with it. And they do. But are they happy?
I mean forced community activies. Singing old songs. The television blaring. Bingo.
You know in China, Asia this attitude to the elderly is an absolute anathema. They esteem their elderly as cherished members of the family at the centre of the family home.
We revere Captain Tom (now Colonel Tom) but he is lucky to still live in his own home. Imagine wouid we have such a cheery character if they lived in An Old Peoples Home? I doubt it.
An Old People’s Home. The very sound of it is humungously depressing.
Lots of investigations its got to be said showing abuse in these Homes.
The staff have of course a ‘vocation’. Convenient word that to pay them very little.
So poorly paid staff, lack of PPE…and this virus ‘running wild’. They would have been safer in a family home.

Nominated by Miles Plastic

Pritti Patel is a cunt, isn’t she.

“Crackdown on illegal immigrants… blah blah…stronger measures…blah blah….tougher security…blah blah blah…”

They’re swarming in via boats and it’s not even Summer yet. Escorted in, processed, not checked for Chinky Flu, housed, fed, and given benefits, phones, ipads. What signal does this send out: “Make an attempt, you’ll be welcome.” We might as well put this up on a flashing neon sign in Calais.

Yes, yes, Pritti, cheeky smile, voluptuous, slaps on the lip-gloss… but is she doing her job? Over 500 assiduous immigrants just since the lockdown began. They’ll be distributed throughout the country so expect to see them walking down your road soon.

We are told every year this will be dealt with and sorted. Every successive Home Secretary churns out the lies disguised as tough talk. Either return them to France or use gunboats. Even if it wasn’t going to be the most economically precarious time, these potentially rampacious cunts shouldn’t be arriving to further bleed the system.

On a personal note, Patel has ballooned in the past couple of years and consequently would no longer receive a magnanimous blast of man-yoghurt. Nonetheless, what concerns me more than the increasingly Flabbot-like arse is the Flabbot-like lack of action. She’s wearing her trousers fat, but the public’s patience is wearing thin.

Nominated by Captain Magnanimous

Corona virus crafting.
To give you an idea what this is, this where you pick up your old shit and make something out of it, its that WWII spirit you keep hearing about.
Sister in law dropped off a very tasteful camouflage face mask for me, I didn’t want to break her heart and tell her I had a proper Bio hazard full face one.
Any way I have been crafting, doing all the little odd jobs round the house in the garden whit bits of shit from the shed, I made a bird feeding station from the old dog 3 bowl feeder, fitted locks to gates, re jigged various things with existing shit.
Mrs B has bigged me up with her sisters and sent glowing reports to them on my crafting abilities.
To the extent that I have received order for a bird house and a picture stand…..
No Idea what I am going to make these things from but if that is the way forward I will make a cold frame for the MRS, good bye dinning table and shower door but I am sure she will be happy.

Nominated by lord benny