They don’t tell you at school about the shit you suddenly find yourself putting up with once you hit middle age.

Plenty of stuff for wimminz and kids about what comes next for them. Pubes, the change and all that shite.

For us blokes? We can fuck off.

Well, I’m ok really as I don’t want a fuss being made, but here are some of the delights I’ve found in the last couple of years.

1. Raised blood pressure. Out of fucking nowhere that one. No reason for it really, just ‘middle age’.

2. Piles. I recall waking one morning to feel like a broken bottle had been heated up to 450 degrees and shoved up my ringpiece. What a fucking joy that was.

3. Itchy arsehole. Nobody warned me that I would need at least one visit a day to the bog to wipe my arse. Nothing happened. I don’t need a shit. I’m not a fat cunt. I didn’t follow through. I just really need to wipe my arse for no fucking reason it seems.

4. Pissing like a racehorse. Two cans of lager and I’m pissing like Red Rum on his stag (nag?) do. Mind you, I get pissed quicker so that saves me money.

5. Exercise. Running a mile now feels like I’m carrying Harvey Price on my back at 14,000 feet above sea level for 60 miles.

6. Sounding like my grandad. I now like watching things ‘about the olden days’. Can’t stand modern music and say things like ‘In my day…’

7. Groaning. It’s true what Billy Connolly said about bending over and going ‘Eaaarrgggh’ for no reason when you hit middle age. I do it all the fucking time.

8. Slipping standards. I’ve always had high standards when it comes to ladies. I’m married and she’s a good un. Still, I like to look. Nowadays, I can find Anne Widdecombe appealing on a dark winter’s afternoon when the Mrs is at the hairdressers. I can definitely feel a trouser tingle when she ends her EU Parliament rant with “We’re off!”

But fuck them all. I’m older and wiser and I can now have that smug, all knowing grin my grandad had when I would talk shite as a youngster.

Fuck off.

Nominated by: Cuntybollocks

The senior officers of REME, the Royal Electrical and Mechanical Engineers.

It seems that the junior rank of craftsman maybe somewhat problematic for these poor snowflakes, because it features the word “man”. Apparently, this is too gender specific and non-inclusive to females and, presumably, those who identify as female. These senior officers have started a consultation among members of the 7,500 strong Corps about possible alternatives. Already suggested have been, private, technician, engineering technician and artisan and technician.

First of all, you’re asking squaddies for suggestions as to what the rank should be renamed? Seriously? Have you ever actually met a squaddie? I want to see the suggestions that come back, they will be epic. Second, and this has been pointed out by other former military personnel, if it must be changed, why not follow the RAF’s example? They now aircraftmen and aircraftwomen. Simple. No fuss, no worries. Craftsman, craftswoman. Only the MOST woke would complain about that. And it works for other Corps and Regiments that also use a rank with the word “man” in it, such as rifleman or guardsman.

When the Corps was formed in 1942, Montgomery said that it would ‘keep the punch in the Army’s fist’. Their job is to ensure that the combat arms can do their job properly, not fucking fret over whether some lumpy jumper female will take offence at being called a craftsman. Senior officers seem to have forgotten that. Changes will coming to the Army over the next few years, some of them will be for the better. But a lot of them will leave those of us who served wondering why the fuck we bothered.

Nominated by: Quick Draw McGraw

https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/13824358/soldiers-reme-artisans-plans-for-non-gender-ranks/

We are a racist country struggling with the burden of guilt from Empire and slavery.
Our founding entrepreneurs were vile slave owners and supremacists, and any evidence or celebration of their existence should be trashed.
We are Islamophobic, homophobic, transphobic. And a few other phobics not yet invented.
The government is a fascist dictatorship controlling us by lying about over-subscribed hospitals. This same government is starving children.
We have left the EU, against the will of those that know better.
The weather is shit.

The paradox is:
Why do half the world’s savages risk life and limb to get here?
Why havent the assortment of freaks and misfits who make up the LBQTVFGGTH community fucked off to more tolerant pastures?
Why are we infested with peacefuls who suffer our bigotry?
Why hasnt Gina Miller fucked off back to Guyana or at least Paris?
Why is Blair given regular opportunities to air his wisdom?

A paradox indeed.

Nominated by: Cunstable Cuntbubble 

(Old Joe probably wishing it was a pair of girl’s knickers he was strapping on! – DA)

Sleepy Joe Biden is a weird, lefty, hypocritical cunt.

That was after signing an executive order mandate in face coverings worn on all federal property sleepy Joe is not wearing a mask at his inauguration party.

The White House”s/Bidens new press secretary and ex-character from the Muppet show stated when asked about the incident….

Jen Psaki replied that he was “celebrating an evening of a historic day” and that there are “bigger issues to worry about at this moment in time”.

Yep, once again another prime example of the hypocritical woke Left’s mantra, Do as I say, not as I do!

Fuck off!

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/world-us-canada-55761046

Nominated by: Coolforcunts 

…and speaking of the “Sniffer”, here’s one from Quick Draw McGraw

There’s a great anecdote from his inauguration. Presidents have, for a while, worn earpieces into which a member of staff will prompt them to do certain things regarding etiquette. At certain times, it’s customary for the President to salute the Marine guard, like when getting on or off Marine One, the Presidential helicopter.

While walking toward the White House’s Presidential quarters, Biden encountered a row of Marines stood to attention in their dress Blues. “Salute the marines”, the prompter said in his earpiece, which was an instruction to raise his right hand and salute them. That was too simple for sleepy Joe. Instead, he exclaimed: “SALUTE THE MARINES”.

The next couple of years are going to be a nightmare of wokery, but there will also be much hilarity to be had from this utter dipshit.

…and here’s one from Cunstable Cuntbubble 

Joe Biden, the wooden horse of the woke, the precursor of extreme liberalism.

He has signed an executive order giving free reign to misfits and weirdos to claim whatever sex takes their fancy. Executive order, as dictated to him by extremists in his party. No debate.
This denies both biological fact and women’s rights. A degenerate can now claim to be whatever sex it wants and join the forces, use women’s facilities and as Martina Natratllova has pointed out (subject to the usual abuse and death threats) compete in women’s sports.
Expect Eddy Izzard to be competing in the next US Open.

This nonsense goes way beyond anything Trump could be accused of. God help America. This is just the start.

https://thestreetjournal.org/2021/01/joe-biden-signs-transgender-executive-bill/

Apparently, being a social conservative (and a cunt), I suffer from this.

https://www.npr.org/2021/01/24/960060957/understanding-multiracial-whiteness-and-trump-supporters   (Professor Cristina Beltran, above)

Fuck off. (I have not used an exclamation mark so as to enhance the seriousness of my off-fucking).

As most of you well know, I am of a darker hue (I am a coloured). This phrase and its users fucking boil my piss, my blood, my lymph fluid and fucking any other fluid in my body.

Some feedback for the cunt that came up with it.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-9163347/NYU-professor-slammed-Wash-Po-op-ed-claiming-multiracial-whiteness.html

Unkle Terry, you’re going to ramp up your facilities.

I fahkin’ ‘ ate these cunts.

CUNTS!

Nominated by: Dark key cunt