I would like to cunt that load of turd that is ‘Fairytale Of New York’…

Every fucking year this pile of shite plagues radio and TV stations. Not to mention shops, pubs and the rest of it. Two frankly awful voices in Kirsty MacColl and that toothless, spud-fucking pisspot, Shane MacGowan, whining their heads off to stereotypically bad ‘Diddly Diddly’ music.

Of course, the thick, chav masses love it. The same fuckers that love Ed Sheercunt’s crap and think that Leonard Cohen’s ‘Hallelujah’ is a hymn, or a Christmas record. Of course, anyone with a bit of savvy does not want to hear a song about bog-trotting smackheads celebrating Christmas in the Plastic Paddy capital that is ‘Noo Yoik’.

“But..But, it’s a Christmas classic!”…..

Fuck off!

Nominated by Norman

And anyway, Dio and Chas’ version was much better!

Food of the cunts! How the fuck anyone can eat these fucking abominations is completely beyond me!

They only ever seem to make an appearance during Christmas time, and when I was a kid my parents used to hide the fucking things underneath slices of turkey or chicken, as if I wouldn’t notice!

They smell like Flabbott’s arsehole after 30 minutes on the exercise bike, and they probably taste like Flabbott’s sweaty g-string after she’s finished with the bike!

Yes, this is a wank nomination, but quite frankly anyone who loves/eats these fucking things are masochistic cunts who deserve to spend 24 hours in a locked cell watching Owen Jones being gang-banged by 20 Turkish wrestlers!

Nominated by Technocunt

The lesson today is taken from the New Testament, 2019 p.c. edition…

1. And it came to pass that Mary, wife of Joseph, a lower-income benefit claimant from a disadvantaged family, was with child. And Joseph was sorely displeased and giveth unto his wife a backhander
2. And he sayeth unto her “How art thou with child, bitch, when thou hast not parted thy legs for me since we was espoused, init?”
3. And Mary did quiver, and replieth “An angel came unto me in a vision and sayeth that I was to be impregnated with God’s child and that he would come forth in the world to end all our sins and his birth would be foretold by a great star and gifts from three kings”
4. And Joseph did take another swig from his Stella and giveth unto her another backhander, saying “That’s the biggest bullshit I hast ever heard! This is the only fucking Stella event you are likely to see, you lying bitch”
5. But Mary wast not afraid, having the strength of the Lawed upon her. And she sayeth unto Joseph “I will take myself unto social services and wilst have thou arrested, thou heinous pig”
6. And so it came to pass that Mary was rehoused in temporary accomodation in the East End and Joseph was servethed a restraining order.
7. And so it was that on December 24th, Mary didst recieve a threatening letter from the landlord saying “I have re-rented thy flat so begone from here tonight, whore, or I shall breaketh thine legs”
8. And so Mary went forth into the night. And it came to pass that she stumbleth upon a homeless person and he taketh pity upon her, saying “Come unto mine squat in a nearby old stables where thou mighst findeth comfort in thine hour of need”
9. And at this moment, a great star burst didst appear over her head. “Taketh no notice,” sayeth her benefactor. “‘Tis only the bloody locals celebrating diwali” 
10. And Mary went with him and as she entereth the stable her waters didst break and she goeth into labour.
11. And in the early hours Mary didst give birth unto a boy child, amongst great cries of pain and loss of much blood. And the child was laid in a manger for a bed
12. And three men didst appear in the doorway, fresh home from a party, and each weareth a paper crown on his head. And Mary did behold them and sayeth “I see three kings!”
13. And the first sayeth “Shit, girl, you been through it, ain’tcha? Have a swig of this..” and didst give unto her his bottle of Castlemaine Gold.
14. And the second sayeth unto her “I have nothing to give you but a few foreign coins” and handed her a Franc and some Cents
15. And the third sayeth unto her “Ah eh! I’ve nought for you, gerly, for I am only a poor scouser and am in a right state. Look. Even me hurr falleth out”
16. And so it came to pass that the prophecy was fulfilled. A child with no father was born in a manger, under a star burst, and 3 kings from the East End had brought gifts of Gold, Francs and Cents, and Hurr.
17. And the donkey in the corner brayeth “Eee Ore! It’s a fuckin’ miracle…”

Here endeth the lesson.

We shall now sing hymn 123 “We three kings from Orient are; One on a scooter, two in a car.” All rise…

Nominated by Dioclese

Phillip Schofield – this bland cunt nominates himself. Aka cunt’s cunt. Famous for being a cunt for a loong time. Has a face that needs landscape gardening with a baseball bat.

He merits this nomination purely by virtue of his oh-so-annoying voice.

Nominated by Jeff

I happily second Jeff’s nomination: he is a poofy, effected wanker who enjoys being one of the girls…

Obsessed with fashion (no doubt handbags and frilly knickers as well), girly chit-chat, soaps, you name it – camp, limp-wristed and suggestive and no doubt one of the biggest arsehole crawlers on ITV – he seems to brown-nose his way into every ITV “project” that gets commissioned.

He started out in childrens TV and in his second childhood he is back there, patronising in his fey voice with a shit-eating grin on his face, or a queenly pout.

Nominated by W. C. Boggs

Perfume adverts…we are inundated with the fuckers.

But: they all look and sound the same. They all think they are showing us wonderful glamour to aspire to. And the truth is, not a single of them differentiates. Which makes the whole point of the huge expenditure wasted entirely. Spoofed up the wall by some pretentious, artistic cunts. Paid for by other pretentious artistic cunts.

It might just be me, but I cant recall a single product. Not one. And when I am reluctantly pushed into buying this overpriced shit, I get what I am told to get, which Mrs C has worn for years. So she isn’t influenced either.

What a load of wank, put out by poncy cunts and not having any effect whatsoever.

Nominated by Cuntstable Cuntbubble