Ever since moving to the Lake District a few months ago, one thing i have as of yet been unable to get the hang of is the accents round these parts!

I spent nearly all my life living in the Birmingham area even though I was born a Shropshire Lad. And fortunately – according to most locals and outsiders that I have met over the years – have not picked up a Birmingham or Black Country accent. In fact my accent is fairly neutral – not posh, but not Neanderthal either!

However, I would say the Black Country accent is pretty low down the food chain in terms of perceived intellect and verbosity. But now that I’m living in the Lake District I have a whole new accent to get used to, and to be honest I do wonder if its even remotely connected to English!

Of course some regional accents are easier on the ears, and thus easier to understand than others. The Geordie accent is quite a fun accent to listen to, as is the Cornish/Devon accents. But then on the flip side you have the Manc/Scouse/Brummie/Cockney accents, along with the awful Essex/Estuary accents – none of which my ears can tolerate for more than a few minutes at a time.

The Wiltshire and Home Counties accents aren’t too bad either, but then again you have the Yorkshire accent, and all of a sudden you’re heading towards a timewarp and going back 100 years and visions of working down’t’pit!

But right now I have to get used to interpreting things like “scran”, “lal”, “eh?”, “twine”, “gaan” and “push iron” to name but a few!

Subtitles please!!!

Nominated by Technocunt

I’d like to nominate the cliche ridden British TV crime drama. Stock characters :

1) Tough, no nonsense, female head of the squad.
2) Wimpy stay-at-home husband of above. Looks after the kids, as top cop is too busy furthering her career by brown-nosing the commander and shitting on everyone else.
3)Veteran detective, white, male, alcoholic, divorced. Disliked by female boss, who sees him as a dinosaur, misogynist etc…(even though he gets the job done).
4) Ex wife of veteran detective, now with a new husband (a smarmy, arrogant git). She plays no real part in the story, but is included for whatever reason the producer can think of.
5) Rebellious teenage daughter of veteran detective, possibly involved with an anarchist group, or an older man who is just using her for his own nefarious purposes.
6) Drug addict son of veteran detective, in hock to drug dealers or loan shark. Either that or he’s suffering from mental problems.
7) Two smart arse newly promoted young detectives, one male, one female. Probably both ethnic minority. One or both will have a white spouse or partner (most likely one will be a same-sex partnership, almost a certainty if BBC, although ITV aren’t too far behind).
8) Smart arse young WPC who does all the hard work on her own, in the background – the engine who keeps everything going.
9) Geeky IT expert who fancies number 8 above.
10) At least one gay character – could be anyone, has to be included somewhere in the storyline.

All of the above thrown into a tedious eight part series, encompassing a load of red herrings, tedious sub plots about relationships and family situations, of no relevance to the main story, which will usually be the disappearance of a teenage girl and its effect on a community, seen from a load of different viewpoints.

Take out all the shite and it could be pared down to two episodes at the most. But it would still be crap. Thank heavens for ITV4. I can watch Sweeney and The Professionals till the cows come home.

Nominated by Mystic Maven

It pisses me off to think ordinary law-abiding car drivers and bikers have to take out extra insurance to cover themselves against the utter cunts that are uninsured drivers.

Why the fuck should I have to cover myself against the idiocy and purely selfish uninsured, while they seemingly get away with a) paying insurance in the first place; and b) when the shit does hit the fan they can just walk away and not have to worry (unless there’s a serious RTA and the Old Bill are involved)

And even when they’re arrested for not having insurance, they will end up with a piss poor fine (probably less than what they would have paid for having insurance in the first place), points and a possible ban. But will that stop some cunts from carrying on driving? Of course not, so they’ll play the risk game and carry on: while at the same time your insurance premiums go up and up and up!

Next on my shit list of the uninsured, are cyclists. Ride around like fucking maniacs on the road or pavement, having no idea what the Highway Code means, and expecting people to give way to these cunts. But if one hits you there’s fuck you can do because they’re not insured. Whereas you hit them and your life is fucking over!

Next…. cunts who don’t insure their homes. Yes, it might be expensive, but I don’t see why anyone should give a shit if that person’s home goes up in smoke and they lose everything; and then expect some “Go Fund Me” bollocks to be set up so complete strangers can bail them out!

Other cunts include those that don’t take out travel insurance, or car breakdown insurance or phone insurance etc. And again, when the unexpected happens they go into a flap, bleat, cry and then go on to blame everyone but themselves about why they didn’t take out insurance. And then expect to be bailed out by fucking strangers yet again!

Well they can all fuck off! I am sick and tired of bailing out feckless cunts while being stung up the arse with higher premiums the following year!

Nominated by Technocunt

You’re sitting comfortably, enjoying a film. Perhaps it’s a thriller, and the tension is building. The hero and heroine are on the run through the forest, with the bad guys in hot pursuit. Then it happens. The heroine trips and slides, screaming ‘arrrgh, my ankle!’. Or perhaps they make it to a track, where a conveniently placed car is conveniently open, a key conveniently located behind the sun visor. Our hero desperately tries to start the engine. Cough goes the engine, whirr, whirr, whirr… He pounds the steering wheel, yelling ‘come on! come on!’. You groan ‘oh for fuck’s sake’, and reach for your beer.

Perhaps it’s a western. The piano in the saloon tinkles merrily, and there’s a buzz of noise. The doors swing open, and in swaggers a lean, mean hombre, Lee Van Cleef style. The noise dies and the piano jangles uncertainly to a halt. ‘Whisky’ growls the black hat. Whether he’s given a glass or a bottle, he reaches into his vest pocket and produces a single coin, which he declines to hand to the barkeep; instead he throws it down on the bar. You groan ‘oh for fuck’s sake’, and reach for your beer.

Perhaps it’s a cop drama. Maverick cop is chasing the killer down an alley. The bad lot promptly climbs up the nearest metal fire escape, discharging twenty rounds from a revolver in the process, in order to allow himself to be cornered on the roof of the building. He falls off the roof in the ensuing fight and crashes to his death on the sidewalk, as sirens wail in the distance. You groan ‘oh for fuck’s sake’, and reach for your beer.

Now clichéd scenarios are bad enough, but clichéd dialogue is even worse. Maverick cop; ‘just gimme fordy eight hours, black lootenant!’. Black lootenant; ‘ya got twenny four, now ged outta my office!’. Here are a few other of my ‘favourite’ bits of worn out dialogue;

– None of this makes any sense!
– Get outta town by sundown (could you be more specific? Say by half seven?)
– What is it you want from me?
– Try to get some sleep now
– Everything’s gonna be just fine! (to dying character)
– You set me up! You set me UP!
– We’re done here (spoken exclusively by sharp suited female lawyer)
– I don’t have time for this!

Welcome to the world of the film cliché. Yes folks, you’ve seen and heard these tired, lazy contrivances on many occasions. They’ve done their best to ruin many an otherwise decent film, and the next time you see a fight on a train, you can bet your boots that the protagonists will end up on the roof, leaping from carriage to carriage. They’re the default option for the unimaginative scriptwriter and the plodding director, and they are indeed a cunt. Let’s get outta here.

*Addendum to bad guys in California*
Never, under any circumstances, lock up The A Team in a cluttered garage, on the understanding that you’ll ‘deal with them later’.

Nominated by Ron Knee

I am nominating the automated till machines used by Poundland.

According to Wales Online, “Poundland shoppers left in hysterics as self-service checkout feature the voice of Elvis Presley.”

This is an instance of cunts creating cunt automatic till machines to cuntishly take the jobs of human cashiers, and save the cunts money. The staff then have to attend to the cunt machines constantly, since it does not have either the efficiency or self-awareness of a human being:

Then add a way to personalise the audio features of the tills for Christmas, Easter, Halloween et al, and even have dead music stars provide the commands:

https://youtu.be/B0BHfLVxnpY

I already felt like a cunt for going into Poundland to buy a Birthday present (what a cheapskate cunt) in the first place. Then I got to the till to be greeted by the voices of Halloween as I try to scan my goods (irony redacted) it’s worse and incessant. Not even proper Halloween noises, like chainsaw-on bone, kitchen knife in skull. Lightweight cunts. Of course the till fucks up, requiring its services of a shop-worker it no doubt replaced. She appears as embarrassed about the ridiculous till as I as about the searing rage visibly on my face.

I don’t want to be ‘entertained’ while at the till, I just wanna pay and go. But if it is to be entertaining, make the cunting thing fucking entertaining, you cunts.

Clearly, though, this gimmick is meant for a different demographic of shoppers (what a cunt), but I hardly expect anyone is daft enough to want to return to Poundland for the fucking till entertainment.

Anyway, make your own mind up:

https://www.walesonline.co.uk/whats-on/shopping/poundland-shoppers-left-hysterics-self-15134357

Nominated by Don’t you cunt me, young man